Starting Over
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
coming out of lurker mode
So a little background, First you all seem to be amazing....reading this post has helped put alot of
things in perspective for me.
So heres the story, I got the guy, dogs, the white picket fence and the house....and a year into our marriage I've
realized this is not what I want in life. We've been together for 3 1/2 years married for one. I feel like I married
the man that thought I was going to be his mommy and not his wife. I feel like the past 3 1/2 years have been spent
trying to be someone that Im not or that I thought I could pretend to be but it got to the point of I cant do it anymore
I am 27 he will be 30 in March but its like being married to a kid that didnt want to grow up.
When we first met he lived at home with his parents never had his own apartment or anything. I had moved out on my own
when I was 18 and understood living life in the real world. Basically our marriage has falling apart since Aug, I
dont have that connect or that I love you wanna be with you forever feeling anymore. I feel more of a pity towards him
like I tried to make this fairytale real and ultimately its not there. He just doesnt do anything for himself. Needs
someone to hold his hand to register to go back to college or make his lunch for work.
Ive tried bringing this up and he just says its all my fault. I know its not my fault, but at the same time it still
sucks. He has suggested counseling but I dont think it will change how I feel I have checked out of this game. I just
dont know where to go from here. I try and stay with a real close friend who has supported me through this since Aug usually
three days a week, shes been really helpful and understanding. We havent been intimate in over 3 months and he just cont
continues to tell me its all my fault.
things in perspective for me.
So heres the story, I got the guy, dogs, the white picket fence and the house....and a year into our marriage I've
realized this is not what I want in life. We've been together for 3 1/2 years married for one. I feel like I married
the man that thought I was going to be his mommy and not his wife. I feel like the past 3 1/2 years have been spent
trying to be someone that Im not or that I thought I could pretend to be but it got to the point of I cant do it anymore
I am 27 he will be 30 in March but its like being married to a kid that didnt want to grow up.
When we first met he lived at home with his parents never had his own apartment or anything. I had moved out on my own
when I was 18 and understood living life in the real world. Basically our marriage has falling apart since Aug, I
dont have that connect or that I love you wanna be with you forever feeling anymore. I feel more of a pity towards him
like I tried to make this fairytale real and ultimately its not there. He just doesnt do anything for himself. Needs
someone to hold his hand to register to go back to college or make his lunch for work.
Ive tried bringing this up and he just says its all my fault. I know its not my fault, but at the same time it still
sucks. He has suggested counseling but I dont think it will change how I feel I have checked out of this game. I just
dont know where to go from here. I try and stay with a real close friend who has supported me through this since Aug usually
three days a week, shes been really helpful and understanding. We havent been intimate in over 3 months and he just cont
continues to tell me its all my fault.
Re: coming out of lurker mode
Sounds familiar.
Although, if HE has suggested counseling, that gives me some hope. Why don't you want to go? You're already that far checked out?
he waited 3 weeks to get it looked at and called me on a sunday telling me how it wouldnt start....Fast forward to
monday..Nissan calls 9,400.00 to get it fixed and he owes 9000.00 on it........can we say that I got blamed for this
because no one held his hand and took him to Nissan 3 weeks prior. That is the story of my life with this man.
Mine as well. Your Nissan story could have conceivably been something that happened with us.
And I soooo get the frustration. I do. But often these situations are partly our fault, too. Somewhere along the line, something we did or didn't do told them that we thought it was okay if they act like this.
I guess you have 2 options:
1. Go to counseling and try to reteach him that no, he CANNOT act like this, and you are going to treat him like an adult, and he has to act like one or GTFO.
or 2. You can just GTFO out now because it's only been a year, and you don't have much interest in working on this.
(I took route #2, personally, but there were LOTS of other factors in my divorce decision other than the man-child aspect.)
He's telling you "it's all your fault" because he's trying to guilt you into staying. He knows he needs you to mother him and he's scared of what would happen if you were gone.
I can't believe he's 30 years old and has never lived anywhere other than his parents house. I mean, I believe it, but it just dumbfounds me.
Maybe HE needs to go to counseling to get a grip on why he relys on the female in his life to do everything for him. Am I correct in saying his mother used to coddle him when he was at home?
He was 26 when he moved out and then was when we got an apartment. His dad basically coddled him when he was at home, did his wash, made him dinner things like that.
I just cant see spending the rest of my life taking care of a child who is a grown man who plays video games, cant make himself dinner and complains about everything. Its just like I dread even looking at him because I gotta spell everything out to him in baby words for him to understand, I dont see how going to counseling together is going to help when he is a basket case.
I recently started going to the gym about 3 weeks ago, his response was oh you wanna get into shape so you can leave me? I was dumbfounded, yes thats my ultimate plan!! NO you idiot I dont like the way I look and Im not happy with myself so Im doing this for ME!!!
I think you should leave. You sound super-duper done.
I also did not hold out much (okay, any) hope for counseling in my case, but again, there were additional issues. So I certainly wouldn't blame you.
Although I will also say that it's probably a good idea to, at some point, take a look at your choices that led up to marrying this guy (so you don't make this mistake again).
Did you just overlook these things that bug you so much now? Did you think he would change?
Taking a peek into that will help you in future relationships.
Thanks Only!!
I mean I feel bad breaking someones heart, but I look at my life before him and at this point right now I say to myself "My nana did this for 60 years and I don't want to be that person" Im a very independent survive on my own type of person. I'm in nursing school and I look at DH and I'm like your idea future is me taking care of you while you sit at home playing the next call of duty that's just not ok.
What an _ass.
May I ask though what made you accept this behavior for so long? Why are you just now unwilling to play mommy to him? I mean I'm assuming that he has been this way from the beginning.
Just curious.
I know deep inside I basically settled for something that I had hoped I could mold and change into what I wanted. I wanted the big fancy wedding, diamond ring, a family and when I finally got it I just wanted to run for the hills. I know that if I would have taken more time back then and allowed myself to understand just because susie and janey are getting married doesnt mean you have to, then I problably wouldnt be in this situation Im in now.
I know I need to start seeing a counselor because I want to learn from this experience to allow myself to know who I really am on the inside.
You can and you will!
If you're really ready to do this, get the ball rolling on splitting up with your H. Get into counseling first if you think that would help (I did).
Taking the first steps are really hard, but the end product is so worth it. Take it from someone who's a year out and loves her new life. So glad I'm not stuck in that quagmire of a marriage anymore!
Honestly, I think that taking responsibility and admitting to your own mistakes is a really big step. It sounds like you know what you want. I also agree that you should see a counselor to help you avoid repeating these patterns in the future. Good luck!
I agree with the other ladies here. If you have at least tried and you are still very uncommitted to making it work (meaning, talking to him, telling him in very specific terms what needs to change, counseling), then I say hit the door. There's no use playing tug of war with him forever.
Men. Don't. Change.
Period.