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To bring mom or not? WWYD?
I'm sorry this is long, but I want to give as much backstory as possible.
A bunch of DH's family members are going to a local Walk Through the Park Christmas light thing. It's outdoors and is a lot of walking. There will be around 20 adults and kids. We don't spend as much time with DH's family as we do mine, because his family lives further away. But, a few of my family members are going as well. All the family members on both sides kinda know each other and everyone gets along fine.
My issue is that I'm wanting to invite my mom but wonder if I shouldn't. My mom is in the beginning stages of dementia and she often says something weird and occasionally says something inappropriate. DH's family is aware of this but they don't judge and it doesn't bother them, so that's not an issue. (his family is Awesome!) I mentioned the dementia because my mom lives alone and loves it when she gets out and does something social or family related. It's really the only thing she does besides go to doctors and watch TV. She would love going with all of us. DH and I do take her places on occasion and I help her with a lot of stuff, so I see her all the time.
The question: I hesitate on inviting mom because of her physical issues. Well, supposed issues because the doctors can't find any reason that she would neet to sit so often, it may be mental, but either way, it's an issue with walking. She says she can't walk long distances and will want/need to sit and rest for at least 5 minutes after 5-10 minutes of walking. This whole event is about walking. We will be walking paths for at least 1 hour. The kids will be running all over and going crazy having fun. There's no way we can ask a group to slow down for one person. Well, we can ask, but it won't happen. And, there's not really any places for her to stop and sit unless we bring along a walker with seat (which she has) or a wheelchair (which she doesn't have). Even then, it will affect the group's ability to do anything together, and that's the point of going. DH is very good about my mom but he doesn't want to invite her because he's finally getting some fun time in with his family and he doesn't want to worry about taking care of my mom. And I'll admit, while I'd love to bring my mom because I know how much she'd enjoy it, I'd also love to not invite her so DH and I can get in some good family time with my ILs.
So, invite my mom or leave her out of this one? (When we occasionally do something without her, we don't tell her. We don't want to hurt her feelings or cause her to feel left out.) I know you may think I'm making a huge issue out of nothing, but I'm my mom's primary caretaker/helper and I do my best to keep her active and engaged. When I leave her out of something, I feel guilty, especially if she later finds out and is hurt. She doesn't live with us, if that helps.
Love to scrapbook!
Re: To bring mom or not? WWYD?
I would not take your mom this time. It just doesn't seem like an activity that is "right for her."
During the holidays, there certainly MUST be a number of activities that work for your mom - - tree lightings, live nativities, concerts, craft shows, etc. Schedule something that you know your mom would enjoy and that you would enjoy sharing with her.
Don't feel guilty for not taking her. Yes, she will be "left home," but if she can't walk, there is no point in taking her! If she finds out (not sure how that would happen unless you told her!), point out that she can't walk for long periods of time, and that it was an activity that really was too strenuous for her. Be firm, and tell her you would not imagine taking her to an event that was too physically demanding of her.
Don't take her. This isn't the right kind of event for her.
I really feel like you're placing guilt on yourself that is really unnecessary. Yes, she likes to get out, and yes, you're her primary caregiver. But you can still take care of her, get her outside, etc, w/o inviting her to this.
Even your guilt of "leaving her out" - healthy or not, I'm not sure why you feel you have to include her in "everything" anyhow. Most people don't include their parents in everything they do!
So.... go and enjoy yourself. You are allowed to have a life outside of your mom!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Why would you take her to an event that she doesn't have the physical stamina for? Are you just trying to ignore her limitations? You took some effort to say that the doctors don't have a "cause" for her need for sitting, so you kinda give the impression that she shouldn't really need the accomodations you describe - so it's strikes me as "well, she needs to sit down and slow down a lot - buuuuttttt, she really doesn't".
Either she's physically capable or she isn't.
Just because you have confusion and guilt on the issue, doesn't make it magically disappear.
Let's be honest, you're not "leaving her out of this one" - it simply doesn't suite her stamina and abilities. Unless you can arrange accomodations (borrow or rent a mobile chair/wheel chair) that easly meets the need of the walking course then don't force a situation that isn't a good fit.
Livinitup, you're right on the can she do it or not issue. We've been to doctors, they've run tests on her legs, all kinds of stuff and they can't find a thing. Her doctor even put her into physical therapy to build up her stamina and muscles so she'd feel more confident walking but she still says she can't do it, even though she does fine at PT. So, who knows.
Thanks everyone for your input. While I want to bring my mom because she'd love it and it would be good for her to get out, you're right that it's just not the best activity for her. I did take her to some local church craft shows last week and even though they were small, they had chairs for her to sit down. She really enjoyed those.
Thanks. The difference is that my mom honestly doesn't see things that way.
Don't let your mom's guilt trip ruin your holiday fun with the rest of your family. You obviously are doing your best to make her happy, but no matter what you do it seems she will have something else to guilt trip you on. If you feel that strongly about including her in an activity with the rest of the family, then plan another event catering directly to her abilities and interests and have the rest of the family join you. She might or might not appreciate the gesture, but at least you will have given her the family experience you feel she is longing for.
Parental guilt sucks, and I have definitely experienced it to the extreme. After years of counseling, I was finally able to separate from the guilt my parents heaped on me. It's not an easy thing to separate yourself from, but it is possible to do it, and in a way that is respectful to both you and your mom. I would suggest that you try to talk to a counselor to help you through the process, as the guilt and all that comes with it definitely gets more complicated as your parents age and are less able to care for themselves.
My mom isn't guilting me at all. I spend the most time with her and know that she's lonely and would love more family and social interaction, but just doesn't have the initiative to do it on her own. It puts a smile on her face for days, and with everything she's dealinig with right now, she needs that. I want to do my best to make sure she's happy. We do bring her along to our Christmas Eve church service and then to DH's family's yearly Christmas Eve celebration and she loves that. We've also brought her to a few of DH's family events, like baptisms and house warming parties. (Remember how awesome I said DH's family is? They really are, and my mom is family so she's always welcome with them.)
Thanks again everyone.
If you really want her to go, would it work to look for a wheel chair?
We could possibly rent one but her doctor doesn't want her using one because she needs to walk and be healthier. So I'm very hesitant to open up that can of worms. He sent her to PT to get her moving and did all kinds of tests on her legs to make sure they're ok.
When you say other family members of your own are going to the event - are they going as part of your ILs outing? Or are they just happening to attend the same event? If they are just happening to be in the same place at the same time, I suppose I'd ask if they'd take your mother...and I would totally rent a wheel chair for the event since it will keep things smooth for everyone involved (more so than her seat-walker).
I wouldn't hide the fact that you are going from her, because as you said if she finds out that you went it may sting a little. I'd much rather tell her in conversation that you were invited to go with DHs folks while they are visiting to this event. That way it doesn't sound as if you are hosting anything and leaving her out. What I would do, however, would take her to an outing of her own...maybe to drive her around to see Christmas Lights or to do a little something special with or without other family members. She doesn't have to g to every thing...but I do appreciate your wanting her to not feel purposely left out. I do also appreciate that your husband would like to have family time wit just his family and wife, as he's probably spent time with just you and your family.
Other family members (sis, her DH, kid) are going with us and DH's family as part of the group. They all know each other and we all discussed this as a group on facebook. They won't just happen to be there at the same time, they were invited by DH's family.
It's tough. I want to do the best for my mom but I have to remember that I need my own family time and DH time as well. And, all things aren't best for her.