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coping with parent guilt
long story short.. my mom passed away when i was a kid and my dad sacrificed to raise his kids. it is something we have heard over and over. we are now grown and he is getting olderl ready to make some changes with is possessions. however he is too "controlling" to want to let it go at the same time. despite that, he is very difficult to live with as he is very overbearing. my DH and i live with him and have basically decided that we need to move out to be on our own. he is overbearing, has too many wish-washy rules.. turn of the lights (yet we pay for the bills), you cant do this, you should do this etc.. with this being said, he will end up by himself in a house. my sibling moved out when we moved in.
how do i deal with the guilt of leaving him alone, but knowing that it is so difficult to live with him. it is impacting alot. any tips? TIA.
Re: coping with parent guilt
Sometimes being older and crotchety goes together with the property.
Living with a relative is not a good idea, even if the relative is the most easy going person in the world.
Move out ASAP. The 3 of you will only clash; no matter what his age, you and he and your H are all on a different page.
If he is able and capable and can manage on his own, there is zero to be guilty about. You and your H are moving out; this should be no big deal to him -- if he gives you the guilt trip, ignore him.
Find a place and do not tell him you're moving until it's literally time to go. GL..
I'm not sure what "ready to make some changes with his possessions" means, but that seems beside the point.
Adult children moving out to launch their own lives is a normal phase of development. It's expected. It sounds like your dad is good with a guilt trip, but it's up to him to figure out how to navigate the "empty nest". There's a reason that phrase has become a cliche - it's an adjustment for many parents as they close a chapter of their lives. Make your move, live happily ever after, and expect that even if it takes a bit of time your dad will figure out the next phase of his life.
A parents job is to raise their children to become independent, responsible adults. He wasn't making sacrifices, he was doing his job. And until you move out and become and independent, responsible adult, he apparently has failed at his job.
The guilt only works if *you* let it. You have nothing to feel guilty about, except not living your own adult life.
He has options beyond you living there. Just becuase he chooses not to take any of those options doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong.
At some point, his self-lessness in raising you has changed to self-ishness in keeping you.
You are going to have to break this cycle of selfishness without his permission.
you are a thousand percent right.. i am getting to the point of " i surrender" since ive tried every single option. i think of how hard it was growing raising us alone, but then again it wasnt easy on me then or now.
thank you sooo much!!!!
Read this to yourself in the mirror until you start to understand it. Believe it. live it.
He treats you like a child because you chose to live like a child. Move out and become the adult you are supposed to be.