Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Advice please?
Hi all,
I've never posted here, but am in desperate need of advice.
My husband and I have been married one month tomorrow, but have been together for about 4 years, living together for 3. We have always had a good relationship. We argue like every couple, but I would never have said it was a serious problem in the past. When we do argue, however, H has a very very explosive temper. He has never hurt me, or our dog, or anything for that matter, but he can go from zero to screaming in 10 seconds flat before really stopping to think through his reaction. Sometimes things he says can be hurtful, but he always realizes right after saying it that he has messed up.
We both quit smoking on March 1st of this year. I have been able to stick to it, never slipping. He has been continuously slipping and hiding it from me. He will be smoking again for a couple of weeks, I will know something is up because his temper gets worse and worse, and then it comes out that he is indeed smoking again.
This weekend things really came to a head. We were driving from the drug store to my parents house, when he decided to try to squeeze around another car because he was in a rush. In doing so he scratched the car along the curb. I reacted and said "why wouldn't you just wait", and he started screaming at me. I told him to pull the car over because I didn't want him driving when he was having a fit. He started to slow down, so I took my seatbelt off, and all of a sudden he slamed on the breaks. I ended up getting tossed around quite a bit, and hit my head on the dash.I genuinely believe that he didn't mean to hit the breaks that hard. He started apologizing the second it happened, and ended up in tears. It came out that he had been smoking again, and was again just in the beginning stages of quitting. I am in no way letting him use this as an excuse, I have just noticed that when he is struggling with quitting, he tends to react to things a lot less favourably than usual. I honestly feel like we both played a part in the arguement getting escalated to that point, however, I can't let that type of reaction out of anger slide.
Add in to the mix that I am 28 weeks pregnant with our first, and I really think it's time we get all our issues settled.
We had a long talk last night about what we want and need from each other. I realize I need to stop nagging him constantly, and he realizes that he needs to get his temper under control. We discussed redistributing responsibilities, and really working on being 100% honest with each other (him not hiding that he is struggling). I feel like if we can follow through on the promises we made to each other, and can really commit to working on our relationship, things will be ok.
I was wondering if anybody else on this board has ever dealt with similar issues, with his temper and with him hiding his struggles from me. I should note, it isn't just smoking he hides from me, he is the type to stay silent when something is bugging him, and let it build up and build up until he explodes. I want to know how best to help him overcome his constant need to feel in control. I really feel like he is having a rough time with smoking, his anger, and just coping with every day stress, and it is hurting our relationship.
Re: Advice please?
With the smoking, he needs to decide when he's ready to quit. This can't be something he does for you or anyone else. So, my advice on that front is to take it out of the equation. It's fine to say he can't smoke in the house or (clearly) around you, but if he needs to smoke - smoke.
For the anger - he needs counseling. It's great that you all are talking through this, but he needs more than just that. The slamming the brakes on... you say you don't "think" he meant to hit them that hard, but do you REALLY know? Abuse can start small.....
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
So it sounds like smoking is not really the issue, or at least it's only one small component among a host of problems. From what you wrote, I'm guessing he doesn't pull his weight around the house and when you get tired of being treated like a servant, he says you're "nagging". Is this correct?
Regarding his temper, I would be extremely careful, if I were you. What specifically does he plan to do to get his anger under control? Is he going to counseling? Please don't be fooled if he shows improvement initially- be on the lookout for him to revert to his old ways once he thinks he's reeled you back in. I'm curious to know if he lashes out at other people the way he does at you. If not, that's an indication that he doesn't actually have an anger management problem, but that he's actually fully in control of his anger and strategically chooses when to deploy it as a way to manipulate you.
Alright- this makes me nervous. He looses his temper and looses all control over himself? He sounds like a two year old throwing a fit- the only difference is the two year can't physically harm you the way a grown man can.
Please step back and look at your relationship. Has he ever shown any other signs of abuse? How often does he loose his temper like this? Does he take responsibility? Or is it 'I'm grumpy because I quit smoking.' next thing you know it could be 'yea, I shouldn't have hit you- but you pisses me off.'
I have to say - you both have control issues and you both handle them ineffectively. The nagging you detailed out? Good grief, honey. Back off.
And while he shouldn't bottle things up, him becoming a nag isn't going to help either.
Crap like not hanging up a towel, or how he folds his t-shirts, or what lane he is in.... seriously? You BOTH need to learn to just live and let live. When you live w/ another person, there are going to be some annoyances, but you have to let some of it go. He isn't you, you aren't him. You aren't going to do things 100% exactly alike every moment of your lives.
Some of this stuff is so fricking petty and the fact that you get on him for all of it, and that he "bottles up" the petty crap.... How about realizing neither of you are perfect and you aren't going to do things 100% to each others likings? How about learning to LET IT GO instead of trying to control every last detail of how you each operate.
I think you BOTH could benefit from some counseling.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I definitely agree that he needs to address important issues as they happen, but my concern is that his "role model" for your marriage is you - and you nag him. You get on him about the tiny, inconsequential stuff. So when you tell him to talk to you- I'm concerned he's going to do the same thing back - get on you for the small stuff.
You both do this? That's not good for your marriage either.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
To clarify what I was saying - this goes past just him "emulating" you. You clearly see the nagging is a problem. That's fine. That's one issue.
But the other issue is that is he really "bottling up" that he gets annoyed that you don't hang your towel up? Whether it turns to nagging or not- my point here is that HE needs to learn to let stuff go (as do you). He needs to be able to sort through lifes annoyances and determine what is important and what isn't - and then talk to you about the important stuff. And he needs to learn to let the UNIMPORTANT stuff go. Not sit on it and let it fester - but just let it go.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thanks for the additional info. I really think that you could benefit from marriage counseling, and he needs individual counseling for his temper. Also, while quitting smoking might have been fairly easy for you, maybe your husband needs to work with his doctor to quit (assuming he genuinely wants to quit). Tension and irritability are normal while trying to break an addiction, but his behavior through this process really is unacceptable. Some people can quit on their own, but others need more guidance, and there's nothing wrong with that.
You mentioned above that being at the point of needing counseling so soon after getting married feels like a failure to you, but lacking the common sense to get help when you need it, or being too proud to get help, is the real failure. The longer you put off counseling, the more things will deteriorate, possibly beyond repair. Honestly, these were problems that should have been addressed before the wedding- you're not saving any face by continuing to avoid fully addressing them. It's great that you had a somewhat productive talk, but part of the problem is that neither of you has the tools to follow through with your agreed-upon solutions. That's why counseling is so important. If you want your marriage to work, especially since you have a baby on the way, it's time to put aside your pride and do everything you can to work through all of this.
Ok, the horse is out of the barn on this but I still have to say: NEVER TAKE YOUR SEATBELT OFF IN A MOVING VEHICLE!. Crikey! What on earth were you thinking?
If he is thinking that he is failing you with the inability to quit smoking cold turkey, you must relieve him of that burden. He is quitting smoking for him. Only he can achieve it.
The anger/temper thing though does need to be addressed. He needs some tools to help him deal with the outbursts/inability to deal with normal, daily, adult stressors. Having a kid is going to up the ante in a very real and measureable way.
Bring in a third party.
He needs anger management NOW. Which ever of your employers covers your insurance, contact EAP and get some names and get him an appointment.
He absolutely meant to hit the brakes that hard beacuse he wanted to get back at you. And of course he apologized right away--that's what all men with anger/control/abuse issues do. If thet were asses all the time, they'd never get a woman. Feeling sorry for his actions does not automatically mean that he is free of all of the previously mentioned problems.
And if he is throwing literal tantrums, i am wondering if he hasn't got another kind of problem.
Nagging has jack to do with it: he has a problematic temper and he needs to get it under control.
I'd demand it and I'd make the continuation of the marriage contingent upon his getting anger management counseling.
Keep in mind that things do not have to get worse, or awful to go to counseling.
My sister and BIL went to couples counseling and it transformed thier marriage. Their marriage wasn't bad to begin with, they just fought ugly. He would never apologize, they both brought up old stuff, argued about the same things over and over and over. The counselor taught them both some communication skills that led to them argueing more effectively.
He sounds like he does not know how to communicate his emotions, until the boiling point where he loses control. You also don't know how to handle your feelings, you want to not nag, but just telling yourself to stop won't stop it.
I hope things get better for you two.
About the part that I underlined:
Counseling is neither an admit of failure or defeat. It is not even a slip up in marriage. Counseling is a tool to make your marriage better, just like communication is a tool that is used to make marriages better.
Please take the pp advice and try counseling, separate and together if possible.
GL!
There is absolutely no shame in having marriage counseling, no matter how long you have been married.
He absolutely needs anger management. Immediately. Before the baby comes.