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I'm not quite sure how to go about leaving
I originally posted on TIP the day I moved out of my H's house (here's the link if you want the story: http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/59965535.aspx).
So, it's been a week and I feel really good. So good that I dread the idea of going back to H after two months. I have no interest in doing Thanksgiving with his family, and actually made plans to cook TDay dinner for my family instead. I am finally feeling more like my old self. I got a part-time retail job for the holidays, I've been writing more, and I've been feeling more connected and involved in my job (the real one), spending more time with friends. I know it hasn't been that long, and I could go through a huge range of emotions during this process, but for now, I'm feeling great.
The thing is, I'm afraid to tell him I want a divorce. And I know I don't have to tell him right away. In fact, I think I should wait at least until the end of the month to bring it up, but for my own peace of mind, I need to start thinking about it now. I guess the point of this post is to just have some support in ending it.
I'm feeling really lost in terms of if I should get a lawyer (we don't share any finances, but H makes about 10x more per hour than I do. I don't want to take his money, but I also don't want to get hosed in this process since I'm pretty sure he'll lawyer up). Anyway, I'm not sure if I have a real question, just putting my story out there hoping for encouragement and advice.
Re: I'm not quite sure how to go about leaving
I think it speaks volumes that you're happier without your H around.
I also think it's a good idea to start preparing now for divorce if that's what you think you want.
Telling the other person is never easy, no matter if he's expecting it or not. But knowing it's the right thing for you to do really helps -- because it can be easy to back out when you actually get to the point of saying the words (trust me, I know).
I don't have a lot of advice re: a lawyer because we didn't use one. Most of the ladies here will suggest you get one, though, especially if you have any inkling that he won't fight fair on some things.
I agree with Only. If you feel like your self with out him and it's only been a week, I think you are making the right decision to get a divorce.
If you are unsure about getting a lawyer or not try to get a "free" session with one first. I'm not sure about lawyers in your area but here they give you a free session for advice, so you can try out different lawyers before you get into the divorce process. That way you can get some legal counsel and it won't cost you to much money.
No advice - my situation is way messier than that with all our finances being combined for 9 years, plus 2 children, plus a house we refinanced literally the EFFING DAY BEFORE he left me.
BUT, I read your original post and I can totally relate. I was married to a very cold and closed off man. He'd be really sweet every now and then - just enough to keep me going - and then he'd pull the rug out from under me again. He couldn't handle emotions, so when I had postpartum depression, he cheated and tried to leave me. Then, after our reconciliation, when we had to be apart for 4 months (he was working somewhere else while I was back home so our son could start school), I fell into another depression due to the fact that I was WRECKED about missing him so much, and he cheated and dumped me again - this time for good. I can totally relate to the relief you are feeling from being out from under that situation. It is killing me that H is leaving our kids in favor of another woman (he's chosen to stay across the country with her rather than come home to be near his kids), but I haven't felt this good about myself in years. I never realized how unimportant and useless he made me feel. I thought I had low self esteem after leaving my job to stay at home with our kids, but as soon as he was gone I felt like a million pounds of self-doubt had been lifted off my shoulders. It's not fair what he's doing to us, but it is also not fair for anyone to have to live like that!!
Thank you for your posts, and sorry to post and run. I have been seeing a therapist weekly for about 4 months now, so I'll ask her about a lawyer at my next session.
Part of me just wants to run away and not deal with it, but I know that's not mature. Thank you for your support and advice. I'm sure I'll be posting more on here :-)
You don't have to tell him. You can just have him served with divorce papers. I know, it's cold and might not be the thing you want to do, but it's not as if you are blind-siding him - - you've moved out of the house for two months!!!
He is a douche, by the way!
I know that I felt a huge weight off my shoulders the minute I had him walk out that door. & that's how I knew.
It's never easy telling someone something like this. Sit down & think about what you want to say. Write it down if you have to so you can look over it while you tell him. We actually had the conversation over the phone. I know some don't agree with that, but do it how you feel comfortable.
If you have assets &/or children, I'd talk to an attorney first. At the very least, find out what your county/state requires to file for divorce.
Claire Dunphy, your sig pic made my day!
And incase anyone's curious, we don't have any kids. I saw his dad last night who pretty much told me that he gets why I feel like I can't live with his son! He called him "rigid and intolerant." I was like -blink.blink- awkward.