Starting Over
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Working it out with XH
Has anyone ever worked it out with their XH?
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Re: Working it out with XH
How so? You mean get back together? Have a normal friendship/co-parenting arrangement?
To me, "working it out with XH" means him abiding by the terms of our separation agreement, not harassing me, and living my life without contact from him...
Yes, I mean start dating again and get back together eventually. We already have a great friendship and are great co-parents (even though he doesnt get to see DS much bc of his work schedule and living situation) but, we do take DS to do things together and seperate.
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
Yeah, in that case, nope.
A lot of women like to write down the reasons they and their XH didn't work for times like these, when you think about getting back together. It's generally not a good idea.
Why did you and your XH divorce in the first place?
I know people that have, so it is possible. One of my favorite older couple were married for years, got divorced, and got back together and remarried and I probably haven't met a happier couple. So, it happens.
My parents tried to, but it didn't work out.
H and I seperated or several months and are currently trying to work it out. We never divorced though or even filed because we both had doubts.
I would think that if you got to the point that you filed and went through with the dirvorce there was probably a reason. Think long and hard about it before you go that route.
I know two couples who divorced, then later re-married (and are still together). Neither had children - - I'm not sure if that made a difference or not. One couple I am close to. They never had counseling or anything, but IMO their reasons for divorcing were nothing big ("lost that spark," vs. bigger problems like cheating, etc.). The other couple I know from work, so I don't know anything about their personal lives.
I have two different friends who had parents who separated, then got back together. One is still married, the other was together for around 15 years after the separation, but eventually divorced.
I've heard of people who have done this and it's worked out for them. I think it depends entirely on the reasons why you didn't work out the first time and whether or not they still exist.
In my case it would never work out to try it again and I also have no desire to even try.
I think this is us... I mean, we are in no way getting back together, but we get along really, really well -- more so than we ever did being married. It's like we tried to hard to force something that wasn't supposed to be that it squelched what we did have as friends.
Our divorce will be final on Thursday and we have a ski trip booked for February. The only difference with everything is that we aren't living together and do our own thing now. No more pressure to be some happily married couple.
So many people who are around us don't understand and it's like it makes them uncomfortable because there is no one to blame and the fact that they just don't "get it."
I personally don't think I could ever do that, I have been with him or been involved with him for long enough to know that he says one thing and does another - not to meniton - the majority of his family hates me and they rule his life.. so be it. I'm happy and they can't take that away from me.
I'm happy for you that you are happy... even if nobody understands it - all that matters is you and your child.
Thank you! I am very happy. My family is not happy which sucks because I feel like I have no support there. My closest friends are happy for me though. We are taking it very slowly, starting off with dating. We still live seperately and will for a long time. At least until we make sure this is the right thing for all of us.
what was the "big" reason? and what did he do to "remedy" said issue?
need more information so i can give you better advice/answer to this question.
Um... Why didn't he do this when you were together? That's a huge red flag to me... He all of a sudden has been doing what he should have done in the first place?
He had knee surgery and became addicted to vicodin. He did try to get sober but, addiction is a disease. It takes over your whole life and nothing in the world matter except the pills. Like I said he tried but relapsed. I just couldnt stay and see him like that. When I left he quit his job and checked himself into rehab. He has been clean and sober ever since. I know its a loooonnnnggggg road to recovery and like I said we are taking it VERY slow!
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
Its been about 7 months. I know that he could relapse. Thats why we are taking it slow but, I have faith in him that he will stay clean. And he has taken the necessary steps (according to AA and my counselor)
I guess its just all about faith at this point and me seeing the change in him. And him proving everyday that he has and wants to stay clean.
I would think long and hard about the reasons why your relationship didn't work out in the first place. If one of the major issues was an addiction, and he didn't make moves to get sober until after your split, then he made the choice to choose divorce over rehab. What will he choose over the relationship next? I know that sounds a bit dramatic, but really.
You need to think about your child, also. He already went through a divorce once, do you really want to potentially set him up for that, again. The idea of reconciliation seems like a bad idea to me given the little bit I know of your history. Good luck with whichever decision you make though!!!
Trust me I understand all about addiction. How long was he using before he went to rehab? Just a thought... Maybe he went because he lost everything, just be aware he may relapse if he thinks he is going to get everything back...
He used for about a year. He tried to go while we were still married but, he relapsed. At the time we could only afford for him to go for detox. Our neighbors mom own a facility and offered him to go there for free (hence the quitting his job and going) She has also set us up with substance abuse counselors that we talk to individually and together. He has continued to show improvement. He really did want to get clean and still wants to stay that way. He knows he lost everything and it will take a long time to get it all back. I dont feel in my heart that he will relapse. He has taken all the necessary steps to live a clean sober life (according to our counselors and the neighbors mom) I do appreciate all your feedback though! Its nice to get an outside perspective!
You are absolutely right. It could. I guess its just that I know the person he is on the inside and I know that him showing me how he has changed is a step for him. I never said we WERE working it out. I just asked if anyone ever has.