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BFP - And I feel like I should be happier?
My husband and I decided in October to try for a baby. We've been married for a little over a year, and everything is hunky-dory in that respect. We were thinking it would take awhile anyway, and would happen when it happened so no pressure.
We hit the bullseye on the first dang try. No charting, no tracking, no pee sticks, nothing. My yearly ob-gyn appointment was conveniently this week, where she confirmed the suspicion, did my bloodwork, gave me my due date (I'm a little over 5 weeks along) and sent me on my merry way with my pack of information about what not to eat, etc.
My husband is over the moon about it but I'm...ambivalent? At my ob-gyn they actually tested the wrong urine sample and initially told me it was negative, and I was relieved, but curious about where the eff my period was, then. Then when I had my hand on the door knob to leave my ob-gyn came flying around the corner and told me to take my pants off again because the lab ran the wrong sample and I'm definitely pregnant.
I knew there was always the chance this would happen right away and I'm happy to be pregnant (and lord knows anything could happen from here on out) but I secretly was hoping I could get through my busy season at work and the holidays before we had a winner. Now all I can think about is hiding my nausea from my co-workers, avoiding the happy hours and somehow flying under the radar at the holiday drinking opportunities with my family, because generally speaking I'm a bit of a booze-bag and they will notice. I'm even a little irrationally resentful that my husband doesn't have to deal with any of this, which makes me feel like a total yahoo. It's just all happened so freaking fast.
I'm hoping as time goes on I'll get more into this and be happier but I'm scared that I won't.
Re: BFP - And I feel like I should be happier?
I have to ask, though, if the reasons you've stated are the REAL reasons you're not quite thrilled or if there is something deeper going on.
As far as the busy season/holidays? Well, its not like someone dropped a baby on your doorstep. This part is relatively low-maintenance. And the bonus is you can blame your missing happy ours and drinking with family on "this time of year" what with needing to get holiday shopping done and of course its not a brilliant idea to drink when you feel like you're coming down with *insert random cold/flu thing going around at work*.
Regarding how you feel about your H not having to go through this... Um, what did you expect regardless of when you got pregnant? Which is why I think there might be some underlying issues and that things really aren't "hunky dory".
I have two answers to this. Choose the one that's most helpful.
1. It is normal to feel this way. Acknowledge your feelings, write them in your journal, tell your best girlfriend, your husband, whoever and think them through. The great thing about pregnancy is that it lasts a really long azz time, allowing you to get used to the idea of caring for a little person. And yes, pregnancy can suck and you're not a bad person for thinking that.
Or
2. Damn you woman. Give me that baby. I want to be pregnant SO BAD right now. Greedy whore! Oh poor you, you can't drink booze. Cry me a friggen river.
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This sounds completely normal.
TIP will tell you my ass has wanted another kid for more than two years but shiit if I don't think WTF was my ass thinking on the regular. I have two elementary aged kids who are pretty well self sufficient and now I'm adding a baby to the mix? GAH!
You'll be fine.
Click me, click me!
Everyone else has pretty much covered the serious angles... so here's my suggestion if you can't bow out of the partying.
What does this look like to you? Orange juice on ice... or screwdriver on ice? No one knows.
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general
Completely normal!!!
DH and I tried for over a year before we finally had our winner. And God knows, I was throwing negative pregnancy tests across the room by that point (just kidding, that would be gross).
And still I felt very very scared when it happened. I was happy, but I was also really scared and kind of felt like I needed more time. Almost like I wanted to procrastinate on dealing with it.
Plus, you're in the totally un-fun stage of pregnancy. You're not showing, you can't really talk about it, buy baby stuff, feel the baby move, etc. Your kid looks like a tadpole lizard if you google it, and you can't drink during the holiday season. You'll get happier when you're farther along and it gets more exciting.
As for hiding the drinking. I went to a holiday party at work (where the booze is flowing) and I had a virgin something or another. No one knows it doesn't have alcohol if it has an umbrella in it. You can also get something that looks like wine and put it in a wineglass for Thanksgiving or whatever, if you're that keen to hide it. So, I wouldn't really worry about that stuff yet.
Congrats!!!
truthsnark- I'm not even (nor have ever been) pregnant, but I can guarantee you that I will feel this exact same way if/when that BFP shows up on my doorstep. I don't think it means anything negative... it's just that it's a HUGE life change and it's daunting. Especially if you're happy with your life currently, it makes it tougher to throw a wrench into the works and just hope that it doesn't change for the worse.
But intellectually, I know that it will be the best move I've ever made. And it will be for your too. Don't feel badly for being scared (or even ambivialent). You have a lot to process right now... and as the news sinks in, you'll find that you start to get excited and then, eventually, you'll think back to this time and be shocked that you felt anything other than over-the-moon.
We're here if you need to talk!
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
your reaction is totally normal. you're about to go through a big (and wonderful) life change.
take some time to digest... try not to freak out but even if you do freak, thats ok too.
and if people ask you why you aren't drinking just tell them you are the DD! voila. magic.
I totally agree about the mixed feelings. Having a baby that's wanted is a wonderful thing, but damn if being PG isn't a huuuuuuge PITA.
Time to start practicing how to be kind, forgiving, and understanding to yourself. Practice it during your pregnancy so you'll be an expert by the time you get to motherhood, when you'll REALLY need those skills.
Congratulations.
Congratulations!
What you are feeling is absolutely normal. I know that its hard not to freak out initially, but I do have to echo what Fuss said. Take these next months to learn to be kind to yourself. I'm in the gauntlet of the first month of taking care of a newborn and it is overwhelming, but 100% awesome. I have to say even though I am sleep deprived and wondering what I got myself into-- I really do love the experience. We are planning to start TTC again around Abby's first birthday.
Pregnancy does suck sometimes so (as another poster said) its ok to complain and feel cruddy.
The No Booze part is easy to fake. You can have sparkling cider (looks like champagne) and orange juice in a glass (no one knows the difference). Shoot, even root beer (IBC) out of the bottle looks like a beer (peel the label off if you care). No one believed I was pregnant until my 7th month anyway, so it should be easy to hide.
My husband doesn't drink (he is allergic to alcohol) so I didn't feel envious of his position whilst pregnant. However, I did envy him the ability to walk normally, breathe normally, and sleep lol.
Good luck. You'll make it. It may not feel like it sometimes, but you'll make it.
good luck and btw congrats!
Thank you all for the kind words (and also the not-so-kind ones, which are the same as the thoughts that keep me awake at 3AM get out of my head). I'm glad that others have felt this way and that I'm probably not a mutant who won't love her baby. I think donnycornelius hit the nail on the head where I almost feel like I want to procrastinate on this. Like, four weeks ago I was normal. Now, my burps taste like fish oil from the prenatal vitamins and I'm rocking out the first of probably many pregnancy UTI's, among other issues. And my baby looks like a mega-encephalic tadpole.
I talked to my husband about it last night and he completely understood and reassured me that I'm still going to be a good mom, and said he would do anything he could to help me through this. I also told my partner at work that I'm pregnant, because she's a good friend and I know she can keep a secret, which helped me emotionally more than I thought it would.
I think you are all right, that once we make it though the first trimester and can spill the beans, I'll start to feel better about this. I'm a terrifically unsuave liar (in the grand "turn bright red, blurt out something, flee the room" tradition) so having to conceal this is wigging me out. That and the thought that I'm really going to be somebody's mother for the rest of my liiiiiiiiife.
I felt the same way when I first found out I was pregnant. We werent trying (even tho we were together for 8 yrs), we were getting married, and I wanted to wait a year after the wedding to get everything ready. Well I found a month and a half before the wedding I was going to be having a baby. I freaked out, I was scared, and didn't know if I was ready. After about a month of being a pregnant I totally fell in love with the idea and was super happy.
Well fast forward a week before the wedding.....I lost the baby, I was 3 months (thankfully we only told parents and siblings) we were telling everyone at the wedding. It was then that I REALLY felt bad, and realized how much I was ready and wanted to be pregnant. That was about a month and a half ago, and I still havent gotten over it.
What your feeling is totally normal, be thankful for a happy and healthy pregnancy and good luck