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Are we crazy? re: In Laws moving in
So DH's parents are in their late 60s and his dad was just diagnosed with cancer. They live about 8 hours away now, DD is their only grandchild and they are wanting to move closer. We are thinking of selling our place and were tossing around the idea of possibly having them move in with us. We saw some homes in the area that have separate basement apartments w/ separate entrances, kitchen, bathroom, living room, bedroom, etc.
Is this a crazy thought? I get along with them both and don't think it would be a problem but what am I not thinking about here. I was thinking...is it going to be annoying to not have our own space/to feel they are always there, will they be critical of how we parent, will every night be family night, will we all just come and go, will it be awkward? Clearly some boundaries will need to be set but I need my nestie besties to talk me through this.
Anyone have any experience or thoughts? Thanks!
Re: Are we crazy? re: In Laws moving in
You have listed all the important questions I would bring up. I think your husband will have the best answers (since he grew up with them), and it's also okay to ask them those questions straight up. You can say "Hey mom and dad, we're thinking it would be a great fit for everyone if you stayed with us. We would have a separate apartment for you so we can all have our own family times. Are you interested?"
I think if you get along with them and are even considering it, you'll be fine. I would NEVER in a million years consider letting my inlaws live within many miles of us.
ditto on the boundaries. there are a lot of questions to ask yourselves and then ground rules if you decided to go ahead with that plan.
i would move to siberia rather than live near my ILs or my own family. i love them in small doses only
Is it going to be annoying? Probably. But so is traveling to see the grandparents. There's two sides to everything. Pluses and minuses everywhere.
Will every night be family night? I'd try to get a read on what they want. You can have all the agreements in the world, but if someone actually wants something different than the agreement, it won't be a good situation. (I mean, like if they wish they saw you every night, they might agree not to because that's what you want. But they may subtly push against it.) Ya never know, they may want more privacy than even you do. If they have their own lives, they may begrudge you for assuming they'll always watch the kid. (Not saying you would, just an example.) You can talk about it all you want, but you already probably already have a sense of how they'll actually behave.
I'll throw in the obligatory "you do for family" idea, as well. If they need to live with you, then they need to live with you.
Do you think they would even want to live in the DC area? If they're 8 hours away, I'm just imagining that they live somewhere a little . . . calmer. Not many people retire to this area, I don't think.
Also, unless they're super social or from this area, you would basically be their only friends and family here. So, they may end up relying on you for all their social interaction and that alone could be stressful and annoying.
I'll speak from the child's perspective, my grandmother lived with us growing up (from the time I was a few months old), and when she was hale and healthy, it was great. She gave us a lot of attention, loved us unconditionally, and played a large role in our lives. Later when she developed dementia (I was in High School) it was really tough. I learned a lot about what it means to love a person then. My parents kept her with us, even though they had every reason on earth to find alternative living arrangements for her, and I think this shaped my character more than any other event in my childhood. It was hard on my mom who was a SAHM. My grandma went to a seniors group for part of the day so my mom had some away time, but my grandma was not the most positive person in the world and was sometimes hard on my mom's parenting. My mother was able to brush most of it off, and they generally got along well.
I think about this a lot. DHs mom has severe MS and I expect my FIL will outlive her. If he does, I know my DH would be thrilled to have him live with us. It's still far off, so I haven't planned for it, but I expect one day it will occur. I think it would be a great thing for my kids, and with proper boundaries, a great thing for me as well.
Since my dad died a few weeks ago, this question has been on my mind a lot! Of course, i have not had the convo with DH yet (whole other story).
Some things to think about - if you are going to do it, I would ensure there were no stairs, etc. They might be able to do them now, but in a few years, maybe not so.
I think with the proper boundaries, it would be a great experience.
I have often told my MIL I wish she moved to our neighborhood (she lives an hour away and visits at least every couple of weeks, and usually spends the night). We get along great, I love having her here so for me, yes, I'd love to! Not sure I'd want to live w/ my parents again though
She has an eye disease which make force her to stop driving in a few years at which point I would suggest she move in with us. I think it'd be great for her and for us and especially the kids. Her other son does not have kids and probably never will. I never had a grandma and my kids are lucky to have 3 (my Mom, MIL, and StepMIL) and I would love for them to have grandparents super involved in their lives, which they are now, their whole childhood.
But my MIL is not the intrusive sort, I won the MIL lottery, she's helpful when we need her but never oversteps her boundaries.
Good luck with whatever you decide. Will you have them pay rent/utilities/contribute to the household expenses? They may want to so they don't feel they are a burden on you.
Kudos to you for even being willing
MIL has lived with us for periods of time... as long as 3 months at a stretch. It certainly has its ups and downs. She used to be somewhat helpful but in the past year or two, her health has declined significantly (though she is in denial about it) and she is not only not helpful, but really adds to the stress. She is dead set on moving in for an undisclosed amount of time after DD arrives, but the idea makes my skin crawl. I love her, but she is an impossible woman. I love my dad too, but I cannot take him for more than a few days at a time (these are the only 2 parents DH and I have between us).
Good luck to you!!
Sorry for the post and run yesterday! I think you all bring up wonderful points and thank you for that :-)
They live in Columbus, OH. Definitely not the urban setting it is here. I highly doubt FIL will retire though. He is a CPA and is not interested in slowing down unless his health dictates. Other than his health (which btw is Stage 2 prostate so, thankfully, from what I've read the prognosis is relatively a good one). My MIL is a healthy as can be. I see her going for a while which brings some hesitation.
I grew up with my g-ma next door and have so many wonderful memories of her being around, helping with homework, going to my many school/after school functions and the connection we still share to this day. We have zero family in the area and it is a little hard, esp. when they expect us to be everywhere for holidays. I am stressed out about holidays the minute one year ends and I have to think about the next one.
DH's sister is in no condition to financially (again, not worried about this since my FIL's background is in Finance) support them or even emotionally. So no matter if the move in with us or not, DH expects his mom or dad to be with us at some point in our lives if one of them dies.
They are very interested in moving in with us and have expressed that they would like to see what is out there. DD is it for them so I know they want to be closer. The best option for housing would be a place with land hat we could build a guest house with but that's $$ and well, I like living close to work and I don't think Arlington has many options when it comes to land :-)
Discussing expectations before hand is a great idea so thank you to whoever brought that up. I know they would be paying a rent-like stipend to us for living. I really think what I would be interested in is a 3 br/2ba place and build out the back. That way, steps are minimal and they can design to their needs.
So many things to think about...but I truly appreciate the input!