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How do I deal with this?
My sister and I don't get along. Why? Because she crucifies me for every little thing I do and then when I stand up for myself and ask her to please stop she turns the table on me and then suddenly everything becomes my fault. So I'm supposed to just let her step me on me? I tried to express my feelings to her but she didn't want to hear it. She told me I have nothing else better to do but confront people all day. Then I snipped back at her and I just hung up because I couldn't take it anymore.
That was back in April. I tried calling her the other day and of course she wouldn't answer my calls. So I sent her a text message and told her I was sorry for what happened a few months ago. I kept calling and finally she called me back. She said:
I know you want to talk to me...but I'm not really interested. So
please stop trying.
Of course I am angry and hurt because she doesn't treat the rest of the family like this. We both have kids and I was actually calling to see if she could bring her daughter over to our dad's house so that my son and her daughter could see each other. But I know it's not going to happen and I'm not even sure if I want to go at all anymore to see my family. My husband is in the military and we only get to see family once a year. I know I may have said some things that hurt her but it doesn't compare to the years of abuse I took from her. Most importantly, I acknowledged my faults and apologized. There's nothing else I can do.
I feel that my sister treats me like *** because she gets her kicks out of it. It's like she'll do anything to make me feel like dirt. All I wanted was for her to understand that I have feelings too and that I don't like being thrown under the bus. How can she be so sweet in front of other people and be so cruel to her own sister? I've done nothing wrong. Our mother left us after I was born and she's never gotten over it. Our dad was absent from our lives for 5 years and she never got over that either. But it's me who she releases all her anger and directs all her hatred towards
I feel that my parents actions caused all this. They left each when she was 4, was abandoned by our mother, and then when we came to live with our dad 5 years later she had to restart her life. We had to readjust our lives with our new step-mother and half siblings. As much as I feel sorry for her, I also feel bad for myself. Though I never met my mother and have absolutely no memory of her, I've been deeply scarred too. I've had to witness my sisters depression and unfortunately I was used as her punching bag. If I had to describe my sister I would say she is narcissistic. It's like the world has to revolve around her and the attention has to be on her only. After she had her daughter it got even worst. It's almost like I can't bring my son around the family because she gets jealous.She lacks empathy towards others (especially me) and sometimes I think maybe she has no conscience. When I come around she isn't happy to see me. She just looks at me like "Oh it's you again, I don't care to see you but I'm here so I don't like like an ass." That's the message I've gotten from her before.
I think I know the answer to my own question and I suspect I'll be told stop trying to get in contact with her. I have been balling my eyes out for the last 2 days because I feel like I've had to bury my entire family while I'm still alive. It feels like God played a cruel joke on me and that my childhood was just a dream. I have my husband and my son but it still hurts to be excluded out of my family's life. My childhood was a significant part of my life so it's not like I can just forget about them like they have me. They don't call me although my step mom does call on my birthday.Other than that it's always me who calls. I think I am a prime example of what happens to those kids who were accidentally conceived and never wanted in the first place.
My parents had no plan for my future, didn't care for me like parents should. For the longest time my life was all about them and what made them happy. They both moved on and remarried. I can't even begin telling anyone how incredibly difficult life has been on me because of their actions. It's like I am the one carrying all the shame, guilt, turmoil, sadness, etc. in my heart. These are emotions that our parents should have been struck with. Why me? How can our mother roam around this earth and not give a second thought about abandoning her kids some 30 years ago? How can our father not realize how emotionally scarred my sister and I are. I want to move on and put everything behind me but I can't because my sister not talking to me will remind me of my past everyday from now on. My 6 year old son wanted to see his cousin but I told him no we won't be able to. He's going to end up getting hurt from all of this as well. If she calls me a few years down the road, I'm not sure if I'll want to let her in my life. What would you do?
Re: How do I deal with this?
Wow, your story is eerily similar to dh's childhood (his mom passed away, though). Right down the the horrible relationships that the siblings have.
Unfortunately, I think, being "mean" to you gives your sister a sense of power and control. She obviously holds the power in this relationship, and that works for her, even if it doesn't work for you!!
I know this is not what you want to hear, but you REALLY need to look elsewhere for friendship. Yes, it would be great if your sister, "your only family," were your closest friend, but wishing this isn't going to make it happen. Surround yourself with people who love you and care about you and your children! Even if you are not blood related, you can still be close! Maybe ask on the military board how to make friends.
Also, your six year old son is only going to be hurt b/c you put ideas in his head and aren't managing this relationship properly. We see my sister (who I love) and her kids maybe 4x per year. NOT b/c we don't like each other, but because of busy schedules (she works and travells for work, my kids have activities on the weekends, etc.). DH stopped speaking to a sibling, and our kids never missed seeing the cousins - - we just told them they lived too far away. YOU are responsible for creating reasonable expectations for your son. If you need to invite every d*mn kid in school over for a playdate so that he makes more friends, do it!
From my experience looking at dh's family - - I really think therapy would be a good thing for you. The ones who had it in dh's family are living "normal" lives (still hurt by the past, but admit it) and the ones who didn't are very messed up emotionally. You can deal with the anger of being abandoned AND your relationship with your sister (setting boundries, etc).
I would also recommend you read the book "Motherless Daughters." It was written with mothers who passed away in mind, but many of the emotions hold true if your mom left the family as well.
Please get yourself into some counseling ASAP!
What would I do?
Well, I would have stopped kissing her a$$ and trying to psychoanalyze her years ago. It doesn't matter anymore WHY she acts like this toward you. She does, and you keep going back for me.
Your situation with your parents is the same thing...you need to let it go. So, they didnt have a plan for you, your are a grown woman now make your own plan.
Stop having a pity party for yourself and get into intense therapy.
Sometimes it is just time to let go. Easier said then done, but why continue a relationship with a toxic individual?
I have a friend who plays the martyr card all of the time - I cannot say anything right as she'll twist a lot of what I say in to something else, to which she'll take personal offense. I'll apologize and try to make it right (because I genuinely care) and get all stressed out. Last time I saw her (and the same stuff happened) something clicked - she's not my friend anymore. So she is probably "mad" at me right now based on our last visit and usually I would call to see what's up. But it is not happening anymore. I think this friendship has run it's course. If sometime in the future she has a change of heart, great, I'll consider getting back in touch. But I'm done playing punching bag. We'll see how long it goes before she contacts me and if she dos not, well, so be it.
Dealing with a toxic family member is harder because family is supposed to love you unconditionally and treat you well. But that is not always the case and it's hard to deal with that paradigm. Your son will likely be ok. Talk to a child therapist (or a counselor at his school) about how best to tell him. But he does not need to know the messy reasons why he is not seeing his cousin anymore.
Like the other posters I would recommend meeting with a counselor. It's hard to deal with family issues and an objective outsider can help you work through the feelings to come to peace with the situation.
Ditto Mags. This person doesn't respect you. I understand it's your sister, but you need to find a way to start being real with yourself about who she is versus who you wished she was in your life. You keep subjecting yourself to her and setting yourself up for constant disappointment. Please seek out some individual counseling for yourself.
I feel that my sister treats me like *** because she gets her kicks out of it. It's like she'll do anything to make me feel like dirt.
Then it's time for you to realize that she's always going to treat you like this, she's never going to change, and there's nothing forcing you to put up with her bullshiit. Stop trying to force a friendship with her, because it's clearly not going to happen.
Whatever her reason for treating you like dirt is, the fact remains that she treats you like dirt. So you can either keep trying to be her friend and keep getting verbally and emotionally abused, or you can part ways with her ... yes, I'm sure it'll still be sad to lose a sister, but it doesn't really sound like there's much there to lose in the first place. Ask yourself - what exactly are you still holding on to? A blood relation? If she was a stranger in the street and treated you this way, you wouldn't be associating with her after that, right? So why is this a different story just because you happen to share a bloodline?
I'm sorry that you're upset. It really sucks when people, especially people that are supposed to be our loved ones, are shiitty for no reason. But just because you're sisters doesn't mean that you have to be friends, and there are PLENTY of people out there who don't associate with toxic family members. Bloodlines all happen by chance ... being a real family, and winning someone's respect and love, has to be EARNED. She isn't automatically entitled to your respect, love or friendship just because she's a blood relation. Blood doesn't give her carte blanche to treat you like shiit.
Cut your losses and stop contacting her, and stay away from her. Go to counseling if need be. If, someday, she can prove to you that she's sorry and she wants to make amends, then you can (slowly) try to build a relationship with her. But unless she comes to you and wants to make this happen, don't hold your breath.
My sister hates my guts, so I don't speak to her. Easy as that.
For the rest, you need therapy. Nobody is going to be able to make sense of it here, you need to speak with a professional if you want to figure it out.
I don't know your sister so it's hard to speak about her motivations or her needs, but if you don't need or want to feel rejected and hurt and offended, stop putting yourself in situations in which that will inevitably happen. And get yourself into therapy, and make one of your goals your self-esteem and -worth.
HTH.
Ditto PP. Get therapy STAT. You have a ton of family issues that you really need to sort through and get a handle on.
Stop flogging this relationship. Your sister doesn't want to talk to you. You claim that she is abusive to you when you do interact. There is no answer here other than to WALK AWAY from the relationship. There is nothing here that is healthy for you.
Honestly, you need to accept that your childhood was crap, that your family is never going to be perfect and that warm, cookie-scented reunions only happen in Hallmark Movies. Please, for your sake and for the sake of your child, get some therapy and accept what *is* rather than what you want. You are hurting yourself and this will eventually spill over on to your child. Stop the madness now. You have that power.
I would find a good therapist to help me with my issues of abandonment. Having a cruel person in your life will not solve your pain. Somehow you think that a relationship with your sister, even one you admit will be hurtful for you, will keep you from the pain of your past. YOU and only YOU can control your destiny going forward. A good therapist will help you. Your sister will not.
I'll agree that therapy is a good idea.
I've found that if people don't get over their childhoods by the time they are 25, they're not going to.
Make the choice to not let this ruin your adulthood, the childhood part is over and was awful. Do you want to make this everyday of your life when you have the power to do things differently? Get help, if not for yourself then your child. Something tells me you are going to pass on this mess to him! Let him enjoy his childhood and you enjoy it, too.
I agree make friends who are better than family. Your sister is not your problem, leave her alone. You cannot fix her or the relationship. Fix your heart and head.
Stop the insanity before YOU end up hurting your son! Why would you keep someone around who is abusive to you? It is NOT healthy for you to expose your son to someone who treats you so poorly. What a terrible example.
Have a little pride, and cut this woman out of your life. Just b/c you had the same (messed up) parents doesn't mean you have to be besties or even friends.
Get into therapy so that you will have tools to deal with her barbs so that you can enjoy holidays and the few times your family does get together.
And stop apologizing to her! She is mean, and she WILL NOT CHANGE.
It feels like God played a cruel joke on me and that my childhood was just a dream.
I could have written this myself years ago.
Therapy has really helped me sort through my feelings about my toxic and horribly abusive family members - which I'm sorry to say, sound precisely what you are dealing with. I waited a long time to deal with my issues though - don't wait. Talking about things really helps - believe me, I speak from experience. Like the PPs have advised, getting into counseling is a really good idea.
My mother and stepfather were both horribly abusive - I won't go into details. For years I tried to understand why my mom didn't love me and tried to make her love me through my achievements, by giving her pricey gifts, etc. Nothing worked. I finally came to the conclusion that my mother never loved me b/c she is simply incapable of loving anyone. She's a severely screwed up and sick person, and it's not my fault that she is the way she is - but I accept it. I haven't spoken to her in 6 years and I don't intend to let her back in my life unless she changes - but I'm not counting on that happening.
Stop talking to your sister. She's beyond toxic. She isn't going to change just b/c her behavior doesn't make sense to you.
Your family's behavior has nothing to do with you - it's not your fault at all - it's about them being screwed up. I made the choice long ago not to be like my parents, and it sounds to me like you have done the same thing. Be proud of yourself for that and move on.
Sorry for the novel!
I realize I am late to the party, and I don't know if you'll see this, but I will write anyway...
My mom could have written a lot of what you wrote. She had a sucky childhood. She has been in therapy for years, and I am immensely grateful, because she found a way to stop the cycle for me and my sister. We had an amazing childhood. If you won't go to therapy for you, go for your son -- I am so thankful my mom did.