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Handling communication with inlaws
Forgive me if this is a dumb question but I am just clueless about families. I don't have any immediate family that I am in contact with (there's only my mom and she's mega abusive so she's not in my life). I have been on my own from a super young age. My extended family is very small and almost never sees each other or talks. There are no exchanges of holiday or birthday cards, etc.
My DH's family is the opposite - like the perfect TV version of a family - they showed up the day before our wedding wearing matching wedding themed custom T shirts! Totally sweet but I didn't think people did things like that in real life - only on TV! They a big family and very close knit but they live very far away, overseas.
MY DH, in contrast, is not a big communicator. He doesn't really speak to them very much. I can tell this bums them out, and I get the feeling that now that I'm his wife, I'm supposed to be "in charge" of this type of thing. I did ask him about this and he said to do what I want but he did allude to the fact that this might be expected of me since I'm his wife now.
And I of course, I am not a big communicator either. Plus I love his family and I don't want to hurt anyone but I just don't see myself being on FB every minute, setting up skype chats all the time, etc. as awful as that sounds. I am willing to put in an effort, but how much I should do confuses me.
Help?
Re: Handling communication with inlaws
If neither of you are big communicators, it doesn't now fall to you to communicate w/ his family because you married him. That's utterly ridiculous and unfair.
That being said, if there is anything you want to do simply because you like them and want to keep a line open, then do it. There is nothing wrong w/ that.
But you absolutely don't have to go out of YOUR comfort zone just so that your DH can stay in his - all in the name of "you're my wife and now it's your job". Please.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
It's tough to tell you have often you should communicate, but I would just do what is comfortable for you. Especially, if they are overseas. I have two brothers that live very far away (one in Japan and one in TX) and I really only communicate with them for holidays or extra special occassions. We try to set up a family vacation once a year and other than that, only communicate once every couple of months.
I would suggest that you set up a calendar for the big things (birthdays, holidays) and make sure to send them a note/card or plan a skype meeting. That way you are making an attempt but not being too overwhelmed.
Good luck and enjoy the family!
I agree w/ all of this. Make sure you're communicating because you want to and not because you feel obligated to do it.
LOL 'and I get the feeling that now that I'm his wife, I'm supposed to be "in charge" of this type of thing.' this is wrong. why do you get that feeling?
"I just don't see myself being on FB every minute, setting up skype chats all the time, etc. " then DONT! a call or email from time to time is fine. do what you're comfortable with.
This sounds a lot like my DH and his family. I LOVE his huge family and they're awesome. But, if they call or email him asking about something, he'll forget to respond or tell me. He's not a chatty guy, so he only talks to them on the phone or by email when there's a reason. But since I love his family, I talk to them more because I want to. I'm friends with almost all of them on facebook and I like the way I've gotten to know them better. It's strengthened my relationship with his family and keeps me in the loop.
But, I do it by choice. Don't feel that you must do anything if you don't feel comfortable with it. And, you don't have to be on facebook every minute to keep up. You can just check in a few times a week.
eta: The are times I don't talk with DH's family, like when it's a very serious issue that may upset people. DH and I discuss the issue privately, come to an answer, and then he communicates it to his family. Or, when his dad was dying. Most of the communication was between him and his family and I respected that it was something they needed to do together. I didn't want to interfere and respected their decisions.
Do they text? DH's family is all about Skype and calling and all of that. I am not comfortable with it. I hate talking on the phone and the thought of Skyping makes me very uncomfortable.
I do try to stay in touch by texting occasionally-- cute pictures of DS, something that makes me think of them, things like that.
So I think you hit the nail on the head with the word "smothered". He feels smothered! Even though they don't live here all the family fun and togetherness gets to be a little much after a while. I can only imagine what growing up that way for an introvert like my husband must have been like.
And I'm happy with the responses everyone is giving me. No way do I think b/c I'm the woman, that I'm supposed to be as you put it "family secretary" but believe me, family and even some friends seem to think this is my job. It annoys me. I have quite a few friends that have taken on this role.
I get this feeling because of comments that have been made not only by the in laws but in some cases, friends. . Some people act as if I am responsible for my H's every move now that we are married. It's as if people didn't know what he was like at all before - he's a quiet guy, he's not chatting away on the phone with you now b/c he never would have. It annoys me to no end.
I'm glad it works for you and that you have such nice inlaws. I guess that's why I feel sort of guilty. They are so nice. I feel like such a negative person - I didn't want a wedding (we had one but it was VERY small), I don't like a lot of communication with family etc.
They text like crazy. I would never be able to do anything else if I opened up that option I'm afraid!
Word. DH tried to do the same, and I gave him the smackdown. It is not the wife's "job" to communicate. It's his family, and it's his job to deal with them.
DH does not enjoy my reminders of this, but I stick by it. I don't make him interact with my family, so why would he make me interact with his?
I've gotten that before. I say, "He's a grown man. If you have a question for him, ask him. I'm not in charge of what comes out of his mouth." Most importantly, don't asnwer for him. If you do, they will keep coming to you rather than him.
comments? and how did you respond? someone made a comment like that to me once. i asked them how i automatically became DH's keeper when we got married? if he needs to remember to call someone he can remember himself he shouldn't rely on me to remember for him. that was the last time a comment was made like that. and it was something stupid like 'did you have kevin call so and so for blah blah'. did i have him what?! he's an adult. he can do it himself! i think you and i are a lot alike now that i read your response. those comments totally throw me.
i could write a novel about the comments. my H is overweight (he's a big guy to start with) but still healthy and people are always commenting "you should make sure he doesn't eat like that" etc. I do tell them he is a grown man and he makes his own decisions - I also defend him where I feel I need to ie he's the type of person who eats half an apple and gains 40 pounds, so it's hard for him to lose weight. I have also actually flat out told a few people to stop calling my husband fat b/c they are upsetting me - this includes MIL actually.
Don't call someone I love fat to my face and discuss it with me as if I am supposed to do an intervention or something. I resist the temptation to tell the people making the comments the things I think they might fix in themselves b/c I'm smart enough to know that its not my business!
My H also has long hair and a beard. He's not clean cut and I personally prefer him this way. The comments always make piss me off. Many people have said "Oh wildstyle, I suppose you lost the battle on getting him to cut that awful beard" and I always tell them I like the beard. Even if I didn't like it I want my H to be himself and look the way it makes him happy to look.
Of course they did! They did this a surprise for us for our wedding welcome event the night before our wedding. The family all showed up in these matching shirts!
I hate anything that makes me the center of attention (being a bride was very hard in that sense) so an entire family of 13 people all wearing wedding themed t shirts with our giant initials and wedding info emblazoned on them was more than a little out of my comfort zone.
Did I mention welcome party was in a casino hotel in Vegas? We had throngs of crowds to walk through in our matching attire!
But I was so touched at the effort they went to that I actually wasn't the slightest bit uncomfortable throwing my t shirt on and heading off to our wedding welcome party in my T shirt instead of the cute sparkly top I had bought to wear to the party. I had a great time.
I'm LOLing thinking about this all now!
I tried doing this exactly but doesn't really work b/c the only time you can really speak b/c of time dif is our Friday night/their Sat morning.