Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Inlaw/family issues vent
Sorry so long!
H. and I were planning a wedding, but mutually decided that we couldn't take his mother's dictating any longer. She wasn't paying for anything. We eloped. She found out after (from his sister, who heard a rumor).
She had been leaning on him to break up with me since she found out he was planning on proposing to me. She's told him that I can't cook, I don't eat right, I have expensive tastes, I don't go to church. They're true, except for the expensive tastes part. I don't wear jewelry and my favorite restaurant is Burger King. We think that accusation stems from the fact he was working 2nd shift at the time and not having any dinner at home, so he would eat out for dinner and be broke. Of course that's my fault.
Her latest comment to him was that he spends too much time with me. I wish he would tell her that as his wife, he should be with me and not her.
The upcoming holidays are going to be a special nightmare. Last Christmas, I was told that I wasn't good enough for H. I was taken aside, so it wasn't announced to the entire family. H didn't find out until after.
His grandmother doeesn't get the concept of rotating, sharing, or anything other than the fact he needs to be at her family fucntions and since I'm the wife, I should forsake my family because of her 1950's notions about marriage. He got a job and had to work on Halloween, and she got mad that he wasn't able to make it to the family birthday party. He's almost 30! I could see being upset if he was a kid but really?
I wish his grandmother would unconcern herself with our marriage. We had plans for a weekend trip once, we had found a hotel on travelocity for cheap and I was looking forward to having a weekend by ourselves. He went over to her house to drop something off, she asked what we were up to so he told her. She told him she didn't think we needed to be wasting money on a trip and it didn't sound like a good idea to her. So I gave the hotel to my parents and we spent the weekend with her.
Well, we decided we're doing Thanksgiving with my family and his father's family (divorced), since his mother's family sees us at least once a month and we haven't seen his father's family since June. I can only imagine how this news is going to go over.
Re: Inlaw/family issues vent
Wow.
So you continued to spend time with his mother's family & pretend that you weren't actually married?
The problem isn't his family, it's you & your H. Why on earth are you with a man that let's his family treat you so badly??? He should have told them to go to hell a long time ago, but you can't expect him to have respect for you that you don't have for yourself.
He needs to tell his family that he will have nothing to do with them until they can treat you with kindness & respect and if he won't you should tell him to go live with mommy.
It's really beyond me why you've let his family have so much control over your life- giving up the weekend away because grandma doesn't like it was ridiculous, as is having anything to do with his mother after she tried to break you up.
Nothing is going to change until you make it. Start standing up for yourself, now.
It looks like you left out the part where she's holding a gun to his head and... forcing him to not stand up for you and your marriage?
Yeah, I'm not seeing where that's a MIL issue. I am seeing all kinds of H problems here though.
I definitely do agree with the PP that your H should not be tolerating this. But really, YOU should not either!
I see why most posters on this board advocate that the spouse that is related to the relatives causing a marital issue be the one to deal with them. However, if I were taken aside at Christmas by my H's family and told that I was not good enough for him, I would have left. With our without my H. I don't stay at someone's house if they are going to insult me like that.
So both you and your H need to stand up to these people. This is ridiculous. Canceling weekend plans, totally changing your wedding? Do what you want and learn how to push back if they push you.
And with the Thanksgiving plans? Just tell them. If they get angry or want to discuss it, end the phone call or visit (if they won't let it go).
Don't change your plans and don't allow them to pull you into a debate about it. Don't start explaining why you are doing it this way. Just do what you want and don't let them push you around.
The second she started that "leaning" bullshit, your H/FI should have laid the law down -- and if need be, cut her out of his life.
You are his family. Not his mom or his sis or an aunt --- you and he are THE family.
You and he need to cut them out of your lives immediately. No need to tell them you are doing this -- change your phone numbers, your email addys and any snail mail that comes to your house from them send it back return to sender and unopened.
If this is cultural, your problem is now automatically 1000 times worse.
No way would I want these people around when it comes time to have a family. what kind of horrible people are these for a kiddo to be exposed to?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm for cutting them out of their lives.
And if the OP isn't down with that, she needs to start rethinking this guy. What you see is what you get; this is a battle royale that won't end, becuase he won't take a stand for you once and for all.
I'm just focusing on your behavior first and not on your in-laws behavior because you can't control what they think, what they do, what they say to you, or what their expectations are of you.
Why was it so easy for the both of you to roll over and give up your weekend for his grandmother?
If this is any indication of the control your in-laws have in your relationship, then I would get in marriage counseling right away. Like you stated, your husband is almost 30, and I assume you're an adult, too. You both have to learn to establish boundaries with his family and learn to enforce those boundaries to protect your marriage and for your own self worth. Otherwise, your marriage is a joke to them and you're both just taking orders and abuse from his family.
What about the 1950's had the wife not seeing her family for the holidays? Is this in like China or something? Because I am certain that my grandmother was in the US and as traditoinal as all-hell and she saw her family on hoilidays all. the. time.
If they want to snow you into some kind of submission where you give-up your family for the holidays for them unless they ... well, pout ... then I only blame you for falling for it.
And that story about your DH spilling the beans about a weekend away, grandma poo-pooing it and you BOTH spending it with her instead of how you planned it is completely absurd. If you don't see that, you're doomed.
What?
How?
Huh?
What?
She told him she didn't think we needed to be wasting money on a trip and it didn't sound like a good idea to her. So I gave the hotel to my parents and we spent the weekend with her.
This is just insane. BUT, you can take a good lesson from you bending over backwards and sideways for her. These people are not going to like you. No matter what you do. It doesn't make a bit of different. They.will.not.like.you.
Please try not to take this personally as it sounds like your DH could have married a young Mother Theresa and they would have hated her, too.
BUT think about how freeing this is! No matter what you do it won't be good enough. So you can just stop trying! Live your life the way you want to live it, minimize contact with people who are cruel to you, and be happy! If your DH won't back you on this plan, off to counseling for the two of you.
I wish he would tell her that as his wife, he should be with me and not her.
Well, clearly he's not interested in doing this. He's more interested in keeping his mom and grandma happy than keeping his wife happy. Even when his mom and grandma treat his wife like shiit. It's easier for him to give in to their wishes and make YOU feel bad, than it is for him to man up and tell them to butt out.
So tell your H that this B.S. has to stop. Then he can either stand up to his family and set things right, or he can refuse to do this and then you have to decide if you want to take a backseat to his mean family for the rest of your life or if you want to get out of this marriage and stand up for yourself.
And if you guys decide to have children, and your H never tells MIL and GMIL to knock off the crap, it means that his family will know it's A-O.K. to tell you how to raise these kids. And they'll probably have no problem demeaning you in front of your kids, so your kids will grow up hearing how incompetent, worthless and stupid their mother is. Are you willing to deal with that?
Not only the above, why in hells bells would you want to spend ANY time with somebody horrible, let alone a whole weekend???
Not more than a week.
I am! Or at least just his mother, grandma I can cope with.
i dont see any issues here, really, excpet you and DH not being able to stick up for yourselves.
perhaps it's time to be a little less close with them.
AGREE. Absolutely agree.
This. Exactly this.