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keeping the kids from their father?
I'll apologize in advance for this post being so long. A little back story...The ex and I have been split since July. We have 2 kids, and we were never married. There hasn't been any child support or custody arrangements set up through the court system. This is mainly because we've gotten along good through the whole ordeal, and it hasn't been necessary. We work out a schedule with the kids that works for both of us, and he gives me money every Friday.
Last week I got no money from him. I called him a couple days ago and asked him about it, and he said he'll give me the money Friday (this morning) at our daughter's parent-teacher conference at school. Fast forward to today after the conference. I'm in my car and he's standing at the window talking to me about the kids. I realized I didn't get the money yet and asked him for it, and he handed me $50. That seemed kind of low to me since it's been 2 weeks, and I would normally get more than that from him for one week. When I said something to him, he out of nowhere FLIPPED out on me. I handed him back the money and told him not to worry about it, I think it's time we just go to court and get it figured out through them. I start to back away and he throws the money at me through the window. As I'm pulling away he screams "***!" at me. Remember now, we're at my daughter's school in the parking lot. I was shocked and completely mortified. This is not behavior I would ever in a million years expect from him, especially so unprovoked.
Now to get to the point here...I have to work tonight and the kids are supposed to go to his house and spend the night. I don't feel comfortable with this at all, considering his outburst today. I mean, what stable person does something like that? I know he's been taking prescription pain pills lately for an injury, and I don't know if that's causing him to act crazy, or if it's something else, but regardless, it's unacceptable. I want to have the kids just go to my parents for the night, but I know he would be mad, and after the way he acted earlier, I'm afraid he will go over there and cause a scene. My dad would never stand for that, but I don't want this to go on with my kids around. I would hate for them to witness a problem like that. Do I even have a leg to stand on here when it comes to keeping them from him? Since I never got a custody order, wouldn't the cops just let him take the kids anyway if it came down to that? I realize it's my fault for giving him the benefit of the doubt and not having a court order put in place from the beginning, but I've never had a problem like this with him before.
I know I will probably get flamed to death by some people, but I'm looking for some advice on how I should deal with this. And yes, I am going to the court house first thing Monday morning to get the ball rolling on all of that!
Re: keeping the kids from their father?
Don't just "go to the courthouse" on Monday morning. Call a lawyer today. Try to get a free consultation either today or schedule an appointment for next week if you can get in before Thanksgiving. What do you think the courthouse is going to do for you?
If he's on Rx pain pills and acting irrationally, I would find someone else to watch the kids and not tell him where they are. If you're honestly in fear of your safety, call the police.
Because there is no order in effect he has as much right to them as you do. If he gets them tonight and then decides he doesn't want you to have them, you would then have to go to get a custody agreement in effect to force him to give them back to you.
My son's birth father did this to me when he was almost 2. I had a lawyer I was just in the waiting period for the custody hearing. He ended up leaving the state and I was able to get a PFA against him on behalf of my son, and that forced him to come back and to give me custody until the official hearing. Another friend of mine moved out of state with her son, and the father filed abduction or something against her because there was no custody agreement, she ended up losing primary custody.
I would say if he is acting crazy - take them to your parents, speak to a lawyer ASAP and get the custody/visitation in writing. The thing with my son wasn't fun, I didn't know that was the law. Most people are able to handle that time period as adults and work things out - my ex apparently was not. It sounds horrible to say to keep them from their dad, but what if he does it to you? Its a tough call either way. Call a Lawyer and find out what you can and can't do.
The only reason I'm going to the courthouse is because my lawyer has told me in the past that if I decide to take the ex to court over the kids, I wouldn't need representation and to just go file. I have to fill out the paperwork and then physically take it to the courthouse before they will set up anything further. That seemed strange to me, so I called the child support office today, and apparently he was right. I could have a lawyer do the paperwork for me obviously, but if I can do it myself, I'd like to since I really can't afford the legal fees.
I'm just thinking that there's something more going on with him than just being upset with me, something that was not an issue at all shouldn't have been turned into what it did. I know it sounds dramatic, but the way he snapped makes me wonder if he's got mental issues going on, he has had problems with depression in the past. Also, I don't know anything about pain pills, so maybe this is completely off-base and I don't mean to sound ignorant, but I wonder if they could be doing something to cause this. If I thought he was just mad at me and that's all there was to it, I would never let that be a reason to not let my children see their father.
He could be depressed, and he could also be having money issues which may be why he hasn't given you much in the past few weeks. If he's stressed over money, prodding from you may cause him to flip- especially if he's beating himself up over it already. To me it just sounds like there was a misunderstanding or a miscommunication. Since there have been no issues like this in the past, couldn't you just talk to him about it?
I would send him an email or text asking him why he flipped out like that and let him know that you didn't appreciate him talking to you like that, especially in the school parking lot.
PP is right, there could be a lot going on right now that he isn't telling you.
I think you are right to file papers. Things are so much easier when you have a court order.
I would still allow the kids to go there tonight. Unless you think he would take off with them but it doesn't sound like he would. I don't believe in using children as pawns.
I know this is too late for your post as the night is over but...my advice would be to "go with your gut." If you don't feel safe leaving your kids with him, then don't! This isn't about your punishing your Ex b/c he is with someone else or b/c he doesn't have money for you, this is about you not feeling that your kids are 100% safe and secure in their care.
I would have taken them to my parents and told them about your concerns. That way if the police came, they would be aware that you were concerned about erratic behavior or perscription drug abuse.
A whole number or reasons could explain your husband's behavior, including depression, stress, or prescription drug abuse. If you do not feel that he is a good caregiver, then protect your kids.
if you legitimately think your kids are in danger, yes 100% keep them safe and keep them with you.
if you think he is just being an a-hole to you, and is otherwise a good father, then you shouldn't keep them from him.
but you should 100% talk to a lawyer and file for child support and custody. get it in writing. then you have legal recourse. otherwise, expect to be screwed for the rest of your life by this dead beat.