Family Matters
doglove
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s/o communication with your inlaws
What's your relationship like with them?
Re: s/o communication with your inlaws
I speak with my MIL a lot more than my DH does. For every 3rd or 4th call with her ( about a month) I make him call her or answer when she calls ( caller ID) so that it doesnt seem like I am keeping him from her.
We dont have much contact with his siblings. Not for any reason, it is just that we all dont keep in touch. We might see each other about every 18 months or so. WE are scattered along the east coast.
WE live in the same town as my parents and all my (3) siblings so communication is daily. I work in my family business so I see them all teh time. DH doesnt see them as much . Maybe once a month he sees them.
I like my IL's and get along with them... kind of. I've written about them before. They are very nice people, but they are so caught up in their own heads and lives, they just can't see past it.
It's started w/ something as simple as being late to everything (like 1.5 hours late to our wedding!), and in time, it's worn me down. MIL is like "Oh, us Smiths, we just run late" ha ha ha. I can no longer say "they are caring people" because while on some levels they are, I can't say that about people who really can never EVER "get it" that their lateness is just rude and inconsiderate (I'm also talking 45 mins late to my stepmothers 60th b-day dinner, or 1 hr 15 mins late to Fathers Day brunch, etc etc etc - not 15 mins. A minimum of 30 mins if not more).
And there is other stuff as to why I now keep them at an arms length distance. Some of it is my own $hit (I've found that when people try TOO hard to "get to know me", a wall goes up. FIL would pepper me w/ too many questions, try too hard to delve into issues that I just didn't want to talk about, and so forth.)
My DH has many of the same frustrations with them too, so at least from that front, I'm not in a position where I have to see them too often.
Again, they are very nice people, but I keep my distance.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Totally depends on what is going on. MIL called DH five times (maybe more) in the last two days (he didn't answer them all). She does this when they have a tense conversation and she does not want to apologize, but wants everything to be ok.
DH talks to inlaws on the phone regularly more than I. MIL usually calls me when she wants us or DH to do something because she thinks DH will forget (because he's a man and women keep the social calendar - no I don't believe that, but she does) or ignore her. I try to call her specifically at least once a month to keep in touch then we usually see them once or twice in person.
Given we're having some communication issues with MIL so things have been better in the past. Been a rough few months and likely only to get worse before we go back to calm communication (based on a few things I see coming down the pike).
With the ParentsIL, things are fine. Occasionally there's some annoying little thing that might crop up, like their expectation that we'll come for dinner every Sunday night (just us, not a whole family thing) or the dog issue, which I've posted about on here before, but for the most part, things are okay.
Sometimes, when they call and I see it's them (caller ID), I'll just let it go to VM. Particularly when we're in the middle of the "Dog Issue" (I call it), I just don't feel like talking. And I'm HUGE on telling DH to not give reasons or excuses - just "it didn't work out" (or something) is fine. He's getting the hang of it. I hate having to explain myself, particularly when they interrogate (and MIL is fond of doing that).
With the SIL/her Hubby, things are never clear and I've given up trying to clarify that relationship (with me, that is). Weeks can go by and we won't have heard from them (and they live very close/walking distance to us), and I'm used to it now (wasn't when we first got married - I thought I'd have a built-in sister/friend. Oh how naive...). And with BIL/his wife, well, they live out of state and suck at email, so... yeah.
Oh well. They're nice people, too, but they don't prioritize keeping in touch so that's out the window.
We live 3000 miles away. I rarely talk to them on the phone, though I do encourage H to call them every so often. They text or email once in a great while. His mom probably calls once a month on average, unless we're planning a visit or something.
When we're visiting, we get alone fine. I don't think I'd want to live in the same town or anything, though.
I have written a couple of stories about my MIL and she is pretty nuts so I limit my contact with her. I never answer her phone calls or acknowledge shes even called so she very rarely even tries anymore. I was in contact with her quite a bit after H's accident- for about a week, until she pissed me off and then I stopped dealing with her much even for updating them. If FIL called, I'd answer but he never does. I did talk to him quite a bit for about 3 weeks after the accident but that's the only time in 12 years. Now H talks with FIL probably once a week and MIL maybe 2x/month. There isnt much contact with BIL either. We didnt even get together with him/family for his 30th bday. I do talk regularly with one of his aunts and we do stuff with them.
For my family, H communicates with my immediate family members occasionally, way more than I talk to his family. He talks to 1 brother fairly often. We see and do things with my family a lot. I'm really close to my sister so we get together with her and her bf pretty frequently. We don't see my parents quite as much as siblings but still way more than his family.
I adore SIL and BIL. In fact, SIL was my MOH, and I was hers (until the wedding was called off). We're pretty close.
MIL and FIL are eerily like my own parents. They seem to see me as one of their kids, and I see them pretty much the same way as my own parents. Take that any way you like.
That said, I liked her a lot more before I had kids. Things are more strained (on my side) now than they used to be, due mainly to her straddling boundaries and two very different perspectives on parenting.
I love my IL's, and I'd say that for the most part, we get along.
That said, we've had some frustrating problems with alignment of expectations over the years. Like the time they wanted us to help buy and furnish a house in Florida. That was interesting.
I love my inlaws...well just my MIL now, my FIL died about 4 years ago but he was a wonderful person. Dh and I don't have 'his/hers' in terms of family...it's all OUR family.
I talk to my MIL probably once a week...sometimes more. Dh talks to her when he can, he has a crazy schedule. So if we need to schedule things, it's better if she and I talk directly.
I realize I'm probably not the norm, but I love my MIL. I know she would do anything for me/dh, the kids etc She is an INCREDIBLE grandma and she has a really close relationship with my kids. She always makes time to come to their events/games etc We spend quite a bit of time with her (we WANT to), we travel together, have holidays together etc
My MIL died two years ago. We adored each other. My H often joked that I was the favorite (meaning over him and his sister). From the instant we met, we just "got" each other.
My only ILs left are my SIL and her H. I can't stand her. I never liked her--we are very different people in every way, from personal style to political views to lifestyle. She is also 20 years older than me. I tolerated her because she was my H's sister. I was prepared to just put on a happy face and be polite when we saw them.
However, over the years she has done some pretty appalling stuff. She stole money from my H, lied to him about several things, and has really hurt his feelings. So now, I must say, the last few times she has emailed me just a "hello" email, I have simply not replied.
At this point I feel that I should not have to keep in touch with her--she's my H's sister, not mine. I think she is getting the message because her emails to me are dwindling. I feel somewhat guilty about just ignoring her but after seeing how she has hurt my H I despise her.
She also slapped my MIL that I loved so much across the face during an argument when my MIL (all 4'11" of her) was in her 80s. She's a *** as far as I am concerned.
This, except include FIL. (MIL and her sister email ME all the time though - usually when DH isn't responding quickly. I have learned to ignore.) Contact with BIL and his fiancee also stays with DH.
To be fair - I handle my family, he handles his.
74 books read in 2011
very good. we get along great. i speak to mil frequently and we're really very close.
dh and i comment to each other a lot how lucky we are that way. i love his family, he loves mine and they all get along.
I love my inlaws, they're really great people. I keep up with MIL on email usually once or twice a week, and FIL/BIL/SIL are all on Facebook so we keep up there. They're really supportive and generous, and I'm lucky to have married into the family I did. In fact, I just got back today from spending the night there with DD but without DH. Work brought me up to their area, and I brought DD with me so they could spend time with her while I was working, then I crashed there last night and hung out with them this morning.
That said, things were definitely NOT always like this. We had very rough times. DH had a lot of cord-cutting and boundary-setting to do early on, then we had a very tough time during/immediately following the wedding planning as a result of wrong assumptions, sh!tty communication and some overreactions on both ends. I take a lot of responsibility for that because I let my family's issues with them dictate how I treated them (pretty badly, which I really regret).
I'm so thankful that things are great with them now. If I went back and talked to the me of even just a year ago, I would never have believed "present-day me" that things are how they are with my inlaws now.
MIL can be pretty high-strung but has seriously mellowed out since DD was born... I thought she would be judgemental of my parenting and lack boundaries...on the contrary, she's the one person from whom I have NOT heard the phrase "well I did X, Y and Z, and MY kids turned out just fine". She loves DD and is very appreciative of any time she gets with DD (it's tough when she lives three hours away).
My situation is the poster child for "Different is not wrong, it's just different" belief.
As long as we all remember it, we do well...the problem is MIL forgets this concept on a more frequently occurring basis.
Thenit is up to me to decide which battles need to be fought and which I ignore. DH's belief is that we ignore it, given we live across an ocean and a handful countries away . And as long as its ONE comment vs a barrage of demands or guilt trips to get compliance, it's not a problem. And for the most part I agree.
But she is dealt with when it comes to openly questioning my parenting decisions in front of others, my parents better relationship with DD and SS (which is really due to her lack of effort) and nasty comments about DHs ex in front of SS (yeah, the ExW is a nutter, but you don't say that I front of your grandchild), I DEAL WITH IT IMMEDIATELY.
I don't believe in the whole "let DH handle family issues" when I can, as an adult, easily take care of myself in a polite though firm manner. I am eerymiucn an adult as she is. I get the same amount of respect and common courtesy that she would be given. Marrying her son does not negate that.
The funny thing, the more I assert myself, the less she goes at me. Either excuse she ends up looking like a fool EVERY TIME she forces my hand, or that she is coming to respect me as an equal, who knows...who cares.
I'm friendly with my MIL, but we have nothing in common and conversation is pretty stilted.
Over the years my opinion has moved from, "she's a nice enough person, we're just not that close." to, "she is selfish, socially awkward and intrusive."
So yeah I don't really care for her. I let DH answer her calls and handle communication. We see her as often as her and DH arrange, which can vary from once a week to once in two months depending on what's going on.
It's good although we don't talk to them that often. DH just doesn't have a desire to spend time with his parents, and I have no desire to spend time with mine, so we don't interact much.
We do try to go see them once in a blue moon for DS, but that's about all we can handle.
Not a fan of the ILs. Generally, when they're not giving DH the silent treatment for something, they always call his cell phone. It's funny, his aunt and uncle will call our house, but his parents never will. I think it stemmed from not wanting to acknowledge that we were living together, and has just continued now that we're married. I'm okay with that.
I recently posted about my desire to have even more boundaries with them, so I'm hoping for even less communication in the future.
We see my parents fairly often, but that's because they love DH and are supportive without ever interfering in our lives.
I hate my MIL with a deep, burning passion. She liked me until the day my DH proposed, and then she flipped the switch and decided I was the enemy. I tried to put up with it as long as I could, but I'm not one to let myself get abused, so I eventually stood up for myself. (This is after DH had multiple conversations with her.) I try to avoid contact with her at all costs. Family meals usually go okay if we don't talk to each other. It's not ideal, but it's better than all-out battles.
FIL is a really nice man, but he always defers to MIL, so unfortunately, less MIL means less FIL. It's a price I'm willing to pay.
I don't talk to mine if I don't have to, and I don't go out of my way to call or see them.
We didn't used to get along (for reasons out of my control, and they've admitted they were in the wrong), but we get along now -- though they are not and never will be like 'family' to me. However, there are still reasons I keep my distance. For example, MIL is always, always, always pressuring SO to do something the way she would do it/wants it done. She is always telling him what he should do, or what she thinks he 'needs' to do. SO owns our house, works his butt off as a Deputy, and will be a father come February -- he does NOT need to be walked all over and told what to do. He is too nice to tell her to knock that sh!t off, so instead he kind of sits there and takes it without saying anything so as not to push any more of her buttons. I am the exact opposite, that type of thing really, REALLY makes my blood boil and I wouldn't tolerate it if I were him. His father is also pushy now and mocks our choices, like waiting until I finish college to get hitched and wanting to wait another 4-5 years before we try to have our second baby. I can't stand that he thinks those are bad choices... Then again, after he mocked me he joked, "I had two kids by 22 and look at me now! I'm unemployed." Um...funny? Granted, SO is older than that, but still. It's not good for us to just say "Hey! F*ck it!" and live by the seat of our pants just because we could.
So, basically, I try my best to keep our distance and show SO that he shouldn't be so forgiving about everything they do to him/us. I don't even want to think of how clingy they might become when DS is born.
I generally like my MIL. We communicate mostly through email and text; phone calls are rare. She annoys me a bit because she's very indecisive and overly anxious about things. Overall, she's a very nice lady who means well.
I don't care for FIL, but that's because he's a grumpy old man that's set in his ways and doesn't really care much about anyone besides himself.
I'm not at all close with SIL. She 30, but acts like she's 16. I suspect she has an undiagnosed medical problem, but tend to steer clear of her because I don't understand her and don't know how to react to her. (This is REALLY sad, but it's the same way my H and my ILs handle it, so I'm not rocking the boat.)
I love both of my BILs. Youngest BIL is REALLY close with H. He often spends his time off from school at our house (despite the fact that we live 3 hours away from MIL & FIL and 6+ hours away from where he goes to school). I'm closer to oldest BIL than H is. We're very similar people and I'm bummed that he lives so far away, but we visit back and forth several times a year. There's a lot of texting and emailing with the BILs. H's fam overall isn't really into phone calls.
H has almost no contact with my parents. I don't particularly care because I spoke with my mother and father maybe once a month up until recently. H gets along with my brother and they occassionally text or whatever.
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