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new here and need MIL adivce
hi everyone I'm new to the nest,I joined the bump after finding out we were pregnant last year. that being said,i need MIL advice BAD!
my MIL has called me names like bi*** since before i even meet her,i was 15!and her sons first and only girlfriend. the week before our wedding she came out and started saying stuff like "well she will never be able to have kids,give her a baby sitting kid.she won't be able to handle it"no one was talking about kids even!! my DH told her off and his dad called for the first time since he moved out.a year!to yell at him for making his mom upset.
well that never got better before we told them we were pregnant,we drove 800 miles Christmas night to tell them..FIL yelled at DH and MIL told me to get an abortion she didn't want grandkids..we cut our trip early and went home.she denies saying it even though DH heard her and now his grandma and aunt and uncles call me a lair.
i was ok with them bashing me but they were HORRIBLE about our baby and i can't take that..our son was born stillborn in Aug,his mom wouldn't answer our calls for weeks because i finally got up the nerve to tell her to back off DH,she was telling him he needed to put her first instead of baby and that wasn't how she raised him. she has never said sorry and even had the nerve to tell DH after we lost our son "don't be upset if i'm not happy if you guys try THIS again" what do i do!!?this doesn't even scratch the top!
Re: new here and need MIL adivce
Sorry about your son, first off. That's really rough.
Back to the MIL situation ... frankly, you guys are absolutely insane to stay in touch with someone who's been so downright cruel to you.
I was trying to think of a nicer way to say that and I really just can't do it. Her being nasty to you is one thing, but I'm really horrified that you and/or your husband are still keeping her in your lives after she's said such awful, AWFUL things about the loss of your poor little baby.
You asked what to do ... the solution is to figure out if you want to stay with a man who is A-O.K. with letting his mother treat you like complete and utter shiit. You need to be his number one priority, no exceptions. Her being his mother does not give her carte blanche to do this to you.
Your husband treasures a relationship with his cruel, mean, spiteful mother over his own wife. His horrible mother is always going to be the number one person in his life. You will always take a backseat to this horrible woman, no matter how much you bite your tongue, take the high road, ignore her comments, or try to be the Perfect Wife/Daughter-in-Law/Mother. Your husband is always going to let her get her way. And your MIL is never going to be nice to you.
So, decide ASAP if you can live like this for the rest of her life, and if you can deal with the residual hurt and anger once she's dead. Even if she drops dead tomorrow, the fact still remains that your husband considers you second place to a woman who essentially said that your baby was better off dead.
And what exactly does your H do when she does these things? If the answer is anything but shutting her down, and fast then you have a H problem as well as the fact your IL's sound like terrible people. YH needs to cut them out. They seem toxic, and no one should be treated that way, especially after the loss of a child. YH needs to put his foot down and cut these toxic, awful people out of your lives.
If it's any consolation, when I was pregnant with our daughter, my MIL continuously said she should be more important, and we should be taking care of her instead of a baby. Of course now she's claiming she never said those things and how much she loves "Her baby" (which seriously, stop calling her that) She knows that if she makes one misstep, we will not allow her to see DD at all, and that it's only because I'm a far to forgiving person that she's getting to see her at all.
I'm truly sorry for the loss of your child, and really you're H needs to man up and send his family packing if they continue to behave this way.
1st would've been enough for me & DH with maybe a hint of a chance at giving her 1 more chance with a proven effort of change on MIL's part.
2nd would've been it for me & DH. Period.
I would NOT want my kids around a patent mental case --- if she treats you horribly, think of what kind of crap your kids will get -- she will either poison their minds with horrible talk about you or use them as middlemen.
She is a mental case -- he needs to put her first?
No, she needs to go. And if his father doesn't like it, that is too damn bad.
Why does he even WANT a relationship with such awful people? It just seems like there's no actual love there.
I mean, telling your son and his wife to get an abortion? What the ever-loving fucck? WHY WHY WHY would your husband want to be a part of such a mean family?!?!?!? I really cannot wrap my head around this fact.
This is putting aside the fact that he's putting mean people ahead of YOU, his own wife, who (I assume) is nothing but kind and nice and loving to him. Really, step back and think about that ... he'd rather see you repeatedly be hurt by cruel people, than stand up to these cruel people and possibly lose them from his life. You're being nice and loving to him, and they're not, and YOU'RE the one getting screwed over here. How on earth is that fair to you?
What would he be missing if he were to cut them off? "Gee, I haven't spoken to Mom in six months. I really miss the way she used to tell me that I'd be an awful father."
And you get this message across to your husband by sitting him down and saying point blank "Your mother treats me terribly and has said unforgivable things about the baby. It's time to cut her out our lives. If you choose not to, then at least I will not have any further contact with her, she is not allowed in our home, I will not go to visit her or talk to her, and she will never be allowed around any future children."
But his dad is apparently a package deal with his mother. And FIL is not truly being loving to you guys if he's standing by while his wife is cruel to you.
Then the next solution is NOT TO TALK TO HER. She is not going to reform or learn her lesson.
If he's still associating with a woman who said (in so many words) that it's good that your son died ... then, yes, he IS putting her ahead of your son. I'm amazed that he didn't punch her in the face the second she said that. Mother or no mother.
You say, "I am no longer going to associate with your mother because she has always treated me badly. And it really hurts me that you continue to associate with her after she said such awful things about me and our son ... it hurts me so much that it makes me question whether we can stay married if you're not willing to do something when your mother treats me in such a cruel manner. Something needs to be done about this."
You don't have yell or cry or scream - just say it in a matter-of-fact manner, and make it clear that it's not up for discussion. He needs to tell his mother, once, that this shiit will not fly anymore and she needs to knock it off, or else she won't be seeing either of you anymore. And if he insists that things are fine, or if he refuses to do anything about it, then you have to decide whether you want to stay in this marriage or not.
THIS!
Before you can get respect from others, you must respect yourselves. WHY oh why would you & DH subject yourselves to these toxic people? You looked to them for support when you were down about the loss of your baby and not only were they not there for you, but they put you down further.
My advice is cut them out. Period. Do not keep trying to pursue a relationship w/them. I don't think these people are even capable of understanding what a relationship is.
As someone who as also lost a child I honestly just can not fathom why you would want these people in your lives at all. Just because they have a genetic link to your husband, that doesn't mean they should be in your lives. They are horrible horrible people. Do you understand that? Yes, I know they are his parents but that doesn't matter.
They need to be completely out of your lives and if any extended family gives you a hard time a bout it, then those people need to be out of your life too. This is non negotiable. These are horrible, cruel abusive people and you both need to get yourselves away from them.
What they said about the baby is inexcusable and your relationship is past the point of no return. Anyone who would say something like that is just a terrible person and no they will never stop being a terrible person. And for your husband to make it seem like you guys just beed to endure their presence because they would be gone in 3 DAYS, again is just unfathomable. If someone said something even remotely close to what they said after we lost our daughter, I know he would have lost his mind on them. I am talking like beat them to a bloody pulp.
Now I understand that you are going through so much right now and your emotions are all over the place. I truly do not want to come across as being hurtful, but at a certain point you need to put yourself first. You really need to. These people add nothing to your life and will add nothing so they need to be gone.
I also want to suggest grief counseling. I was hesitant todo it at first but I am so glad that we finally broke down and went. It was honestly one of the healthiest things I have every done for myself and I suggest it to anyone who has gone through a loss. If you do talk to a counselor please discuss your relationship with his parents.
Whether they are gone in 3 days or 3 seconds, the point remains: They are rotten, nasty, divisive, cruel and horrible --- you and he do not need them in your lives.
What kind of a person did you marry? How old is he??? his age may be playing a factor in this scenario, too.
And he needs to tell the bunch of them to go screw. Believe me you, he is losing nothing -- and kindly inform your H that you and he are THE FAMILY now. Not his mom and dad and siblings: YOU AND HE.
I'd tell him to dump the bunch of them or you'll dump him. GL.
Tell your husband that the relationship with them ends now. Block everything you can from them. BLock their phone number, email, return any letters. If anyone tries to say something about it you then hang up the phone or leave. If they show up at your house, you call the police.
You almost have think of them as being dead.
Again, I would also talk about this to a counselor. Maybe having a professioanl third party tell your husband how disgusting these people are will help. If he still doesn't see their behavior as being inexcusable? Well you know what you will have to do.
Word for word!
This!!
You need not draw a damn thing.
Change your email addresses, your cell phone numbers, your landline or landlines if you have them and DO NOT reply to any of their snail mail requests.
Just end it --- cut them off and you need not tell them.
They come to your home, you call the cops. Tellt he cops unwanted people are at your door.
Like I said, his mother is a bona fide mental case. Who in name of tully tells somebody to get an abortion???
If your H will not cut them off, rethink him. He needs to take your side in this and you need to come first -- and if this means that he cuts these horrid toxic people out of your lives, so be it.
I second the counselor -- and one for your H so that he can start working on the fact that it is okay to cut them off -- and if you and he are religious, see your clergyperson.
He also needs to get the message that he needs to be on the same page as you. Holy cow -- the second anybody dared to lay into my H that would be it for them, including the fact that if it was my family member who did it.
Excuse me? YOu drove HOW many miles for these b@stards???
well that never got better before we told them we were pregnant,we drove 800 miles Christmas night to tell them..FIL yelled at DH and MIL told me to get an abortion she didn't want grandkids..we cut our trip early and went home.she denies saying it even though DH heard her and now his grandma and aunt and uncles call me a lair.
I wouldn't drive eight FEET for these horrible people.
His entire family has TO GO and that is the bottom line. You'd think his grandmother would be the wisest and have some kind of kindness and common sense --- what the eff is wrong with these horrible people???
I am sorry for your loss, by the way.
Counseling for your loss would help -- hope you'll consider it.
All this. Especially the part about your DH being 100% on board with it. If not, you need to understand he is picking the mental case over you.
My hearts breaks for you, this is HORRIBLE!!!! I just had a massive vent on the Married Life forum asking for advice on my petty inlaws, Reading this has made me realise just how horrible some people have it with their inlaws.
Now to give you advice I obviously can't follow myself... they are not a family to you or your husband. They need to be cut out, 100%. Sometimes people hold onto their in laws and try to keep peace as they want grandparents for their child... after hearing this, she will never ever be a support network, and not someone you want in your future childrens life.
all the best xoxox
She'd call you to hang up?
Holy cow....I haven't heard of THAT one since about eighth grade!
How old is this person, really? You call to hang up???
I take that back about her being patently nuts...she's now patently psychotic.
Get rid of the entire funky bunch of them and do it as of yesterday.
Hi - lurker here. I would remove them from your lives entirely. There is a difference between drama, acting nuts and being a cruel and ignorant person with no common sense or respect. No questions, 1 good-bye hand written letter and no exceptions.
I am so sorry for you loss.