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Is Watching Porn Alone Like Cheating?
Hi ladies,
We are newly weds who love having sex. The trouble is that he commutes 180 miles six days a week for work, and I work 10+ hour days, so sometimes we're too tired. The weekends is usually when we make up for this. It stinks, but I thought we were doing ok with it at least until he gets a job closer.
Until last night. I was on our laptop scouring the internet for something and noticed in "history" a porn site. Now, I don't have an issue with porn at all. In fact, sometimes we enjoy watching it together on SkinaMax or something. However, we've never watched it online, so I know that it was he who had watched it, and alone. We get home at the same time every day together, so I know it was when I was in our 600 sq. foot condo together. Probably in the shower or something. I asked him about it, and he admitted he had one night while I was getting ready for bed, and taken care of "things". I told him that it kind of feels like cheating b/c I'm right there and we could have done it together, and he didn't have to resort to porn. He said he's too tired when I get out of the shower and just wants to go to sleep. Am I over reacting that this is a (far, far lesser) version of cheating? I feel like I'm not enough, even a little neglected. We're going to talk about it more tonight I think, since he's the type who needs to go away and think things through before a serious discussion or argument. So I wanted to get some outside opinions on the matter.
Thanks!
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Re: Is Watching Porn Alone Like Cheating?
/dead
We had the porn discussion shortly after getting married, and pretty much agreed mutually that porn is in no way "cheating." However, back then, I told him I would prefer if he left porn to times when he's home alone and I was not available; otherwise, I wanted him to come to me.
However, after seven years of marriage, my preference is still that he come to me if he's craving sex, but if I'm not in the mood--or especially if I'm not even home--I have no problem with him taking care of business by himself. I still don't think it's even remotely cheating (if he was having cyber sex online that would be a different case in my book--that's the difference between masturbation solo and with a partner, but I digress). We spoke not too long ago about how he still felt guilty if he "flies solo" if I'm home, but honestly there are plenty of times I'm not in the mood and I'm not offended at all if he watches porn, takes an extra long shower, etc.
Just talk to him about it.
I've never understood the porn = cheating thing, considering it's just images and your partner is still alone, but if you really feel that way I hope you guys can work it out together.
Who knows what was involved? Maybe he went to the site for sh!ts and giggles to see what was what and watched it briefly and then left the site.
Masturbation during marriage is normal. I'm pretty sure that you take care of business when you're alone and get the urge; it's healthy and normal, just as it is for him.
He didn't lie to you; that's a positive sign.
Some men look at porn; other men don't care to. Some guys have quite an extensive collection of porn; some guys do not. It all depends on the individual.
This is all about convenience and not at all about you.
However, looking at online porn in the shower is a very bad idea.
IMO I don't consider it cheating, but if you were home, I think he should have come to you instead of resorting to porn on his own.
Maybe talk to him about it. Atleast he was honest about it because some men aren't!!
I don't think it is a problem unless he is going it 24/7 and ignoring you. My fiance watches it and takes care of himself on ocassion when he knows I won't be home til late from work. I am totally fine with it, he says he just thinks about me and gets lonely and horny. LOL
Maybe next time you could suggest watching it together, that is very hot!
I watch porn alone and so does my husband. It has had no negative affect on our marriage. I do not consider it cheating at all.
/the Law & Order comment is the winner of this thread!!
/snicker
collects self
OP, since you don't have a problem with porn in general, I would tend to think that you feel like he cheated you out of sex, and less like he cheated on you. Kind of like if you were supposed to share a dessert but he ate it all? I can see being minorly miffed at that, but no I don't think it's cheating.
no its not cheating at all!
my answer would only change if he had a porn addiction or a sex addiction of some sort. and if thats the case .... hoooooo boy.....
but i think what you're talking about is normal. dont sweat it. maybe try to initiate it more often if you feel neglected? or have like a quickie here and there ........it doesn't have to be a sexfest every time.
I don't think its cheating but I can definitely understand your feelings. I do not have this problem in my relationship, because my H does not like watching porn, if he has the urge, I'm always available (we work the same schedule and we both work fairly close to home).
I'm a firm believer that no matter how you feel, even if you think someone will think you are being silly or overreacting, you should always always talk about it with your SO. Just discussing something that is bothering you will help get it off your chest, and if you are being silly then at least you got it out instead of letting it fester.
Be honest, be open and if your not comfortable with something set the standard. Everyone on this board is going to have their own opinion about this subject, what's important is how it makes YOU feel.
Porn is wrong. If you're lusting after someone who isn't your spouse, there's an issue. If he's staring at girls butts as they walk by, would you be mad? I would. So if he's staring at girls doing things a that turn him on, yes, he's cheating on you.
Cheating is cheating. You're responsible for your own thoughts, and he's got to be able to control his thoughts and be true to you. Likewise with you.
Obviously finding someone attractive is one thing, but thinking about them sexually and allowing yourself to lust after another person is entirely another. There's a line there, and he shouldn't be even close to crossing it.
I can see why you would be miffed since you were there and you two could have had sex. However, I don't think watching porn alone is like cheating at all (unless the person has a porn addiction and that's just a whole 'nother ball of wax).
Masturbating is convenient and easy, especially if you're tired. When you have sex it's about pleasing someone else as much as you being pleased - it sounds like he just wanted a stress/tension relief but was too tired or thought you would be too tired to have sex.
And to whoever wrote that a guy staring at a girl's butt is cheating - if you don't think your SO ever looks at other women and finds them attractive...I don't know. I can't even respond to the ridiculousness of that.
I agree 100000%!!!!!
Yea, I definitely wouldn't compare watching porn to cheating. I think you are being a little dramatic. If this is something that truly bothers you maybe you need to communicate that to him.
GL.
I get what you are saying. The question really isn't, "is it cheating?" so much as, "am I wrong to feel like he cheated on me?" and the answer is... no, you are not wrong. Having a feeling isn't wrong... how you handle that feeling may be under consideration for being right or wrong.
If you felt cheated on than you need to tell him you feel cheated. You need to let him know that it was more about him not looking to you first rather than that actual part of him looking at another women (unless that is your problem). Then, you need to have an adult conversation about when you do/do not feel comfortable with him looking at porn and come to a mutual agreement about when he looks at it. You have to understand that he may not agree with your terms, and you will probably have to compromise. It may even require you letting him know off the bat when you are not in the mood (for example, texting him before you get home that you are super tired and just want to go to bed... meaning no sex). That way he doesn't have to try to see if you are in the mood or not before resorting to porn. Because asking him to always go for you first and have to get rejected before being "allowed" to look at it IS wrong.