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Trying to save my marriage
Hello Ladies,
Met in 2004, married in 2006.
I'm trying to save my marriage from a lucklaster business attempt and a depressed husband.
My husband has been unemployed for three years and I have been keeping the family afloat through my job. When he lost his second job, he decided to become a photographer and I supported his decision. He went to school and worked really hard but it went on for two years which I hadn't expected. He didn't think he could handle working and going to school so we made it work on less. Now he's been out of school for a year and has only made about $2,000 total. All of it has gone into the business and so he hasn't brought in any money yet.
I'm trying to be supportive but he isn't pursuing clients and he has actually turned clients down for one reason or another. He's got some anxiety issues about failure and it is hindering him. He was really motivated before all this and a dedicated financial supporter and husband. Now he's more of a blob and barely leaves the house. We have had many conversations about my expectations and our needs as a family and it just seems to make him feel more impotent.
We've had to downsize from a house to a one bedroom apartment and he makes comments like this is how we will be living for the next 10 years. I've explained to him that while I understand he wants to be an artist but that I do not have any intention of actually being a starving artist. All to deaf ears. We have a son that is nearly four and some day I'd like to have another but I can't even think about another kid in this situation.
Every time we make a plan for how he will proceed, something comes up and he can't follow through. His whole self worth is hanging on this venture and I'm frightened of what will happen to his ego if he can't make it work. Of course, I'm also afraid of what will happen to me and my son if we continue in this nasty little cycle. We've been to counseling and he is only willing to talk about certain things in counseling. I've tried to get him to go by himself but no go.
I don't want a divorce. I want my husband back. Thanks for reading.
Re: Trying to save my marriage
You can not save a marriage alone. Your H has to change, and without professional help for his supposed depression and anxiety HE will NEVER change. You will continue to carry the family in ALL ways. Lets face it you have made it really pretty easy for him and given him no reason to change.
I understand wanting your old husband back; but he needs to want to go back to that as well, and he needs to put forth the effort to make it happen. It doesn't sound like your husband wants to, and it might take him losing everything before he feels it necessary to want to change. Maybe he's depressed - but if he won't talk about it with a counselor, there's nothing you can do to help him. I get not wanting to abandon him, but how long do you want to continue busting your hump to provide for him when he won't do anything to help himself or the family? How long are you going to continue living like starving artists in a one bedroom apartment while he gathers the strength to DO something? Is any of this fair to your son? How much resentment will you harbor if 5 years from now, nothing has changed?
You've spent the last couple of years coddling him and giving him everything you could for him to live out this dream of his. You've gotten nothing in return. Time to start putting yourself and (most importantly) your son first. Start making plans to get your own place and let him figure put what he's going to do on his own......sink or swim.
Easier said then done but I hear what I already knew in my heart. Thanks ladies.
Before my dad passed in 2004, he was a very popular photographer in our area. He bought a house on 2 acres of land and turned it into his studio. His specialty was senior photos and weddings. He did not have the patience for children or pets..lol.
While he was trying to make a name for himself, he worked a main job at a manufacturing plant and did portraits on the weekends till he was making enough money to quit. It can be and was very stressful at times. If you screwed up a wedding there was no getting that day back for the couple. This was before the digital era..
I hope your DH can continue counseling and open up more. He sounds really depressed and just can't get his confidence back.
I'm concerned why this didn't come up 4 years ago or whenever he started school for photography. It's not exactly a field known for being stable or making much money, and it's no surprise that a few years into starting a new business he's sinking more money into it than he's getting out. I agree with the pp who said you've essentially been supportive, and now it's time to get realistic. He's not going to make money in his new field any time soon (even if he weren't turning down jobs!) so he needs another job.
Aside from all that, he sounds depressed and unwilling to work on your marriage. Have you done counseling on your own? You can't make him change, but you can decide what you're willing to put up with.
Is he in counseling? on Medication?
I wouldnt use the leaving you card unless you really mean it...i myself would definitely use the you have 30 days to get yourself to the dr and counseling or you have 30 days to find yourself somewhere else to live, but I dont put up with crap like this.
the ball is in your court...you can no longer blame him for something you have control over.
This is rough. I am sorry this happened to the both of you. Good luck.
This jumped out at me. Counseling only works when everyone puts their cards on the table and are truly open to the process. If your husband is placing certain topics off-limits, you aren't going to get anywhere.
I think your husband is depressed. I think the first step I would make is to bring up his reluctance to discuss certain things in therapy in front of the therapist. Let the therapist know what limits your husband has established and say that you feel that is hindering your progress. Perhaps the therapist will probe further on those topics and make some progress.
If he is belligerent, you will know that there probably isn't anything you can do.
In terms of my expectations of photography, it was realistic and frank from the start and I didn't expect him to hold the income level he had before. However, I did expect him to bring in something eventually. I also expected him to actually pursue it. My main problem is the lack of effort and the turning down work that is happening. I can't continue to work myself to the bone without him also working hard. I run my own business and I know what it takes to survive. It is hard and often means incredibly long hours. I'm just not seeing it from him. I really feel that this is coming from anxiety and depression and failure issues and I agree that I can't force him to go to counseling because he will withhold from the counselor. He has to want it.
I've been working on what I'm going to say and I have set some deadlines that I think are realistic for him to accomplish something and not too long for my sanity. I'm working on getting child care so we can really talk. I hope it goes well.
He turned down work?!
THis is simply a stupid assed thing to do....wow, there is a theatre group that I belong to; a photographer friend of one of our theatre group members showed up for four nights to take pictures of our show and dress rehearsal! You have to grab the opportunity when it hits ya --- every artist knows this and it's common sense!
He showed up on a strictly volunteer basis -- to keep his skill sharp and to grab the opportunity because, like I said, a great picture is a once in a lifetime moment.
He's got to get his ass into gear; sure you're upset and I do not blame you!
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes