Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
My counselor is not working out...terrible
I started seeing a counselor to work through my separation/divorce and also to help my son (I found a counselor who also works with children). I have only had time to see this counselor three times so far, and I am not happy with her at all. She makes me feel as though H's abusive behavior is inadvertantly my fault in some way.
For example, I told her about DS's birthday party in March - DS hurt himself in the bouncy house and ran over to H asking to be held. He was bleeding, crying, very upset - begging H to pick him up. H just stood there with his arms folded and said "No, tough it out, you're fine." DS got hysterical and went over to my friend who gave him a bandaid and held him for awhile (I was in the house changing DD's diaper at the time). I heard the end-part of the situation when I was finished with DD. I went outside and picked DS up. H was really angry. He said DS was acting like a "baby." H made a huge scene. It was horrible.
My counselor's response - "Maybe he just thinks you coddle your son too much." Really?
Then I told her about how my DS heard my H use the N word, which he has said more than once (he is very racist). Then, my DS repeated it in school, even though I tried to talk to him about how that word is very bad, daddy shouldn't have said it, etc. We received a call about it. I was really upset. My counselor said - "I'm shocked that the school felt the need to call you about that. It's not like he knew what he was saying. It's not a big deal."
These are only a few examples. I could go on. Am I overreacting here? I just feel like she is validating my H's behavior and I don't understand it.
Re: My counselor is not working out...terrible
Whether she is validating his behavior or not, if you don't feel comfortable or that it's a good match, find another counselor.
For the record, I think her comments are off. I'm not a parent though so I don't know, maybe understanding your H's actions are important skills for co-parenting? Either way, I'd find a new counselor who you're comfortable with.
Sorry this one isn't working out, don't give up!
You don't need a "good reason" to switch counselors. You need someone you feel comfortable with, and you are not comfortable with this one.
I can see the counselor helping you to look at the other side of the coin (H's perspective). However, IMO she didn't do it in a constructive way. She should ask you the question "have you and your x often disagreed about how much you coddle your son? Is it possible your H has a different view than you on how to deal with your son's accidents?" Your H is allowed to not agree with you on parenting issues, to want your son to be tougher, etc.. However, even if your H thinks you are too easy on your son, that doesn't give him the right to throw a scene at a party.
Also, your counselor doesn't get to choose what "is a big deal" and what isn't, to you or to your son's school!
Find a new counselor asap.
If mine responded that way I would look elsewhere too.