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I really royally screwed up
So, I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but I'm supposed to have all my school work in and graded by Dec. 1. Because of my hospitalization and subsequent ECT treatments I am way behind and in danger of not meeting the deadline.
I'm still trying every day to meet the deadline. I haven't given up yet, and I don't think I'd like the person I'd be if I gave up trying. I made a commitment and I would be a complete flake if I didn't at least try to uphold my end of the promise.
DH is angry at me because I'm continuing to try. He says I am scaring him because he believes when the deadline comes and I don't make it I'm going to completely decompress. He says I have been sick, I need to cut myself some slack and approach school at a reasonable pace.
I asked him if I could buy an ebook for one of my classes because I can't seem to find the information without it and he asked me when I needed it by. My term ends Jan 31 and that is the goal he thought I was working towards, but I told him that it was a prickly answer because I hadn't let him know I was working towards the Dec. 1st deadline. I didn't say I wasn't working towards it, we just weren't talking about my school.
He got upset with me. And I in turn got upset with me. What sort of fool am I to think that I can even try for the Dec. deadline? I want to keep working towards it because it gives me nine days of hope and hope isn't a bad thing right? If I don't make it it just means I'm close to being finished for the end of my semester. Then I'll take a term break and come back when they have another demonstration teaching cohort.
But my getting upset with me involved a single edged razor blade and me getting my comeuppance. Which has sent me into a self blame spiral. I'm supposed to go in for my ECT treatment tomorrow. I don't really deserve it, do I? I haven't held up my end of the bargain and done what I needed to do to keep myself stable.
I feel like I'm just wasting the doctor's time and I'm never going to get better.
Re: I really royally screwed up
Oh, Damik. Please don't give up on yourself. You definitely won't get better that way.
Have you talked to your profs at all? Can they give you an incomplete and you can get an extension to finish your work? This will buy you more time without necessarily putting off your student teaching.
You do what you need to do regarding school. If you really want to make that Dec. deadline, you can. It's all under your control. The important thing is to make sure you are getting what you need out of school.
And don't you dare miss your ECT appt tomorrow. You've sounded so positive regarding it recently. It seems like it has been helping you. Go.
If I can get all the work done by the Jan 31 deadline I won't need to take any incompletes. But the Dec 1 deadline for student teaching is a hard and fast deadline. My adviser says there is a chance that I can appeal if I don't make it, and that's one of the reasons I still want to try.
I'll see the doc tomorrow and let him decide if my backsliding is call for him to stop the treatments. But I won't miss it.
*great big squishy hugs*
I am really sorry you are blaming yourself for this. Please give yourself a break, Damik. Hope is absolutely not a bad thing as along as you don't tie yourself to the railroad tracks with it & wait for the oncoming train. If you feel you can make the deadline without driving yourself into the ground then continue working towards it. However, it sounds like it might be counter productive for you to try for December 1. Maybe it would be better for you to shoot for January 31? I don't say this as a defeatist attitude towards the Jan. date. After what you've been through January 31rst is a perfectly ok date. Is there a reason why you feel that December first is better than January 31?
Can you still take your term break if you push your deadline to January 31? If you can then I would do it if only to give yourself more time and less stress, KWIM?
I am not sure what you mean by "don't deserve" the ECT treatment? It is not about deserving the treatment, honey. Its about the fact that you NEED it. You are doing the best you can in the meantime and really please don't blame yourself. I know its easier said than done, but honestly take one minute, hour, day at a time. You will have moments when you feel like you fail, but you are not failing.
You deserve compassion for yourself. Please try not to be so hard on yourself if you can. I'm really sorry that you are feeling down right now. What you can do is keep working at a pace that feels reasonable to you with the expectation that you will do your best to meet deadline. If you don't, it is not the end of the world and you keep on trying.
You are reaching out and that is a sign of feeling better. Its a slow progression but I hope that you can see that there will be good days too. We are here for you if you need it.
You are going through a really hard time right now. You deserve treatment and you deserve to feel better. Try to be gentle with yourself and please go to ECT tomorrow.
Damik, everyone else has given you great advice. I don't have much more to add, except for, if you want to shoot for the December 1st deadline, knowing that you have until January 31st, and go into it knowing that if you give it your best and don't finish, that you still tried and you still are a great person, go for it.
You deserve to by happy, you deserve your treatment, you deserve to meet your goals. You deserve it all.
Have you met with them to work out a "bargain," perhaps? Maybe they can have you complete a special assignment that will suffice for what you have learned -- it couldn't hurt; I suggest you talk to them.
With this information I would say continue trying for the December 1rst deadline if you can. If you don't make it then you can still keep trying. I also ditto what Tarpon said. If you can, talk to your professors. My dad is a professor and he always is very understanding if his students come to him if they are having issues of a personal nature that will affect their work & deadlines. He struggles with depression etc. too and is a cancer survivor. So you might be surprised how compassionate your teachers are if you let them in on what you are going through. It is worth a shot on all fronts.
You deserve good things and keep working towards them. (((hugs)))
Damik, honest to god, I think you're setting yourself up to fail.
Your worst case scenario (as you're seeing it) is that you'd have to continue to be a sub for a year. This means you'd get to continue to network within your area schools and get your face out there. When you do that, especially as a teacher, you're more likely to be hired.
However, the real worst case scenario is that you're pushing your already fragile mental state to a breaking point. You've already started cutting again. How is a year as a sub in any way shape or form worse than that?
Damik, this is good advice.
Your H is not a partner. Your H actually makes you're already tough life tougher. I just wish you would see this and move on. Not only do you beat yourself up, but then HE beats you up. And it's even worse because he does it under the guise that he's actually trying to help you. He's not. He's being a selfish piece of crap, but trying to make himself look noble in the process.
I've wanted to punch your H in the junk for years... and this just multiplies that feeling.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
Agreed.
I'm sorry you're going through this, Damik. (((hugs)))
Broc makes a really good point. The worst case scenario school-wise is that you sub for a bit longer. In your line of work, that's networking and it's valuable.
School is not the issue, though. If you want to do it, I'm sure you can. The issue is your health and making sure you put that first.
Thank you! I was trying to nicely say this, but I like your direct route much better.
Damik, I agree with Broc. I do think you're setting yourself up for a huge let-down if you can't make the Dec. 1st deadline. If a discussion about buying an ebook lead to self-destructive behavior, what will happen if you don't meet that deadline?
And even if you do meet it, are you really prepared to be in a classroom in January doing student teaching?
You're acting like school is your highest priority, but your health should come first. You need to realistically assess your health. Honestly, I think trying to keep with the original schedule is putting yourself under too much pressure; you need to build in time to care for yourself instead of stressing yourself out with an unrealistic deadline.
Damik, I want to give you the biggest hug.
Try not to think of this all-or-nothing deadline. You WILL become a teacher. Don't overwhelm yourself trying to get there within this specific, stressful timeline. If it takes you 6 more months, so what? You'll still get there, and I guarantee you'll be a lot more mentally healthy if you take a little more time and continue the good therapy you've been going to.
And kick your H in the balls. Then buy the damn e-book.
This is what I was thinking. I was 9 months pregnant last winter when the semester ended. I talked to my profs and they were all very willing to work with me, even though I didn't have to do anything special since I finished up my work before I had DD. If you let them know what's been going on (you don't have to go into detail, but just to let them know you've been in the hospital), I would think most profs would be willing to help you out.
Please don't give up.
she wont listen.
I agree with broc and smock.
Worse case scenario is you sub for a little while longer, that is not bad at all, you will get great experience and feel more comfortable in front of the classroom and kids.
You are acting like school is the highest priority and it isn't. It's okay to slow down and take care of yourself first.
Your H is making a hard situation even harder. He should be your biggest supporter right now.
This is really good and I'm glad to hear it. You don't have to push yourself to get things done all at once. Your mind and body have been trying to get you to slow down and I think it's time you listen.
Also, everything Broc said is right on.
PLEASE above all, try to be gentle with yourself and give yourself permission not to stick with the original plan. Plans change, it's important for you to be flexible, to listen to yourself, and to do what's best. That's a huge part of maintaining long-term mental health (which you deserve!).