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Age Difference & Went on 2nd Date
So I mentioned in the confessions thread that I went to trivia with a much older man last Thursday night. We had a great time, ended it with a kiss & the next morning he brought a Chick Fil A Chicken Biscuit & a bottle of Peppermint Mocha Kahlua to my office (he's a liquor rep).
He & I texted all weekend & made plans for dinner last night when I came back from out of town. He picked me up, took me to dinner & we had a great time again. Chemistry is totally there & I think I could see myself really liking him.
So my question is... What do you think is too big of an age difference?
I'm 27. He's 45. He has 3 kids (20, 17 & 10) from a previous marriage. I want kids, so that may end up being a deal breaker if this continues.
Thoughts?
Edited to clarify my comment about kids - if he doesn't want more kids, it would be a deal breaker for me. I have no problem that he already has children.
Re: Age Difference & Went on 2nd Date
BF much older than me--our age gap is larger than yours. We've been together happily for 10 months, which is not a long time, but is nothing to sneeze at, either. He has kids (16 and 21) from a previous marriage, as well, and they live with their mom. This works for us because I don't want kids. That would definitely be something for you to talk to this guy about, especially if it's a dealbreaker for you.
When BF and I first started dating, I asked on RE for suggestions on things that might potentially be an issue with an age-disparate relationship so that I could address them proactively before they became a problem...most of the answers were quite helpful: http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/49208449.aspx
Wow, thanks for that thread. It definitely has given me a lot to consider.
This response definitely made me LOL:
Mostly because the thought HAS crossed my mind
But aren't balls supposed to be saggy? I mean, I've never seen a naked fella and thought to myself "That's a pert set of gonads right there!"
My personal opinion is that the age gap between me and my man should be less than that of his kids and me.
I know that there are many successful relationships despite the woman being close to the age of the man's children... but it would make me uncomfortable. That of course is my thing.
As Scooby said, as long as you have a frank discussion about possible issues and are both on the same page... I say do what makes you both happy.
HOnestly, the bigger concern for me would be the kids factor. The 20 and 17 year olds are at an age where it may not be as big a deal (but still be prepared for pushback), but the 10 year old? That's an age where I can see there being issues w/ daddy dating someone.
And really - for ANY of them, the fact that you are so much younger, they could have issue with it.
I've had friends who have dated men w/ kids and even if you were to check out the Blended Families board, kids add a different layer of stress to a realtionship, and you have to also think about the idea of being a stepmother.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If it makes a difference, the kids are 3 hours away with their mother.
Part of me feels like I'm really getting ahead of myself thinking about all these things, but part of me thinks its good to figure it all out now.
LMAO!!!!! Love it! I read it to BF and he busted out laughing! Thank you for that humor this morning. ITA though haha!
For me (I'm 31) I really feel more comfortable with the age gap being closer to 10 years or so. That would be a big age difference for me.
I agree with PP that his kids would be an issue for me too -- the 17 and 20 year old would be as close or closer in age to me than I would be to him, that would kind of wig me out. Be prepared for some push back, they may be pretty resistant about dad dating a younger woman. I would also address whether or not he wants more kids pretty early on, for me that is a big deal breaker.
I think getting ahead of yourself would be planning a wedding... I feel like if you see potential with this guy you owe it to him and to yourself to start considering it because you don't want to be a year into the relationship and have those conversations and find out it's not going to work. If you find out now and you have to cut bait it will hurt you both much less. GL! My sister is dating a man the same age as my mom... It was weird at first, considering she just turned 25 and he's 52... But they've been together for like 3 or 4 years now. It's works for them.
It's good to think about this stuff now. I just broke things off with someone who was 14 years older than me (I'm 27 and he was 41). Aside from the clinger tendencies, I realized that the age different was something that I couldn't get past. We had very different ideas of what we wanted in life (he wanted an insta-wife), didn't have that much in common, had different aspirations (I'm just starting my career and he's tenured already), and different dreams in life. Some of this was due to the age difference for sure.
It's smart to think about before things get too serious. You don't want to fall in love and then realize that you're on different pages. Although I thought she was crazy, a therapist said to me upon hearing that I was dating someone older than me, "What are you going to do when you're 60 and he's dead?!" I know this wasn't a given, but it did help me realize that trips to Europe while my kids are in college probably wasn't in the cards if my husband was already 75 years old.
While dating, everything was wonderful. My friend had even gone to TX to see his DD"s, his ex was great to them, etc etc etc.
Then they got married - major problems stemmed from that and now he has a very shaky relationship w/ his older DD and his ex won't talk to him anymore.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
For me personally, I would have a problem being closer in age to his oldest child than him. But, that's my personal preference.
I totally agree that you need to think about the child thing right away, especially since it's a dealbreaker for you. Given his age, and the age of his current children, he may not want to go down that road again. I'd definitely talk to him about it.
And as a side note, peppermint mocha kahula? Yum!!
SO is 39 and I am 28.
I don't know that I would normally date someone that much older than me, but we work just fine. We connect on so many levels, but I do have some worries...
My biggest concern has more to do with him dying before me (which is likely with men versus women anyway), his age when we have kids (he and I both want one or two), when he will retire versus when I retire, etc.
My dealbreaker (in your situation) would be more about his kids, their ages, how they respond to you, and stuff like that.
I think you need to ask him if the relationship continues if he is willing to have more children. If he says no then there's your answer.
My BF is 45. I am 33. He is willing to have more kids if we get married. However this early in the relationship who knows if it will last but at least I know he is open to another child. But for me I don't even know if it would be a deal breaker because I already have one child.
On the flip side, my father's wife is 8 years older than my sister and is a complete and total gold digger. She has her own kids (20, 17, 9) and my dad has my sister (31) and me (26).
We don't speak to my father anymore aside from birthday text messages and random encounters. It is really sad, but he has a new life now with her and her heathens. At least he was an amazing father while we were growing up. He married her two years after I graduated and moved out.
Not to make this all about me or anything... lol.
The age thing probably wouldn't be an issue if she wasn't sure a horbag. I'm certain you are worrying more about things that my father's wife ever has, so you sound good to go.
He's too old for you.
I actually went through something similar with my dad & his wife. She's 10 years younger than him & only cares about his money. She's the reason we just saw each other for the first time in 10 years over the weekend.
He ended up coming over last night for dinner & we talked briefly about kids. He told me he'd be fine if he didn't have any more kids, but he hadn't ruled them out.
I just wanted to say I truly appreciate your post. LOL. "heathens" hahahha.. My situation is similar to yours. My sister and I have no relationship with our father anymore and he is married to a total beyotch. However, she isn't young so at least I have that...
This. For me any difference over 10-15 years is unacceptable. My BF is 12 years older than me and that is really pushing it as far as I'm concerned.
Oh and by the way the kids problem isn't age related. Me and my FI broke up partially because his teenage daughters were jealous of me and constantly were causing problems in our relationship. Though really the problem was him because he never took my side or stood up for me or tried to support my relationship with them. FI and I were only 4 years apart in age.
*jumping in while visiting*
DH and I have the same age difference. We've been together 10 years, married for 7 1/2 and have 2 kids: 3 1/2 and 5 1/2. He has a son who is 28 and is closer to me in age than DH is.
I think it just depends. It depends if that number is really that important to you. I would be more concerned if he didn't want any more kids and you did. I'm not sure if anyone can decide for you if 18 years is too much or not. For us it's a non-issue. People look at us sometimes, and wonder, but not as much as they used to. In all honest, I couldn't imagine not being with him. He is everything I wanted in a husband and partner. Everything.
And it's not about the money, the divorce and his DS's school wasn't cheap and there wasn't much money at all. We're doing well now - but it's a result of managing money better.