Sex & Romance
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
He made me feel guilty
So MH have been married 3 months, and I haven't orgasmed when we have sex. I have a vibrator and can O with it...the problem is that 2 days ago, I was getting all hot and bothered and I wanted to use it...he got upset and said he doesn't like that I prefer the vibrator over him. At the time, I just wanted to orgasm and be done and then let him do what he wanted, so I just wanted the vibrator. It upset him so badly that he cried...he cries when we argue and I don't talk to him...He says he cries instead of yells...but every time he cries, I feel SO bad... but about the vibrator thing...should I actually feel guilty? Or is he just being a jerk? Or something else?
Warning
No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
Re: He made me feel guilty
Um.... he cried?? I think that's sort of strange.
Have you suggested for him using the vibrator on you while he's having sex with you? Or what about telling him to play with you during sex, or you can play with yourself during? I mean, I think he should care about what it takes to get you to your big O.
I've been there before - having sex, and not being able to O and just wanting my vibrator because I know I will O each and every time with it. But usually, what happens is, he'll finish, and then I'll (or he'll) finish me afterwards. I definitely don't think it's something worth crying over though. Lots of women can't reach the big O through sex alone. Isn't it every 2 out of 3 women need more stimulation during sex than penetration alone?
Another option is.... trying to ween yourself off of the vibrator. See how long you can go without using it, and try to get yourself more accustomed to "human" touch. In reality, you can try to make yourself more sensitive to see if you can get to an O without a vibrator.
He has tried, and he's getting closer to giving me and O with the vibrator...it's just that since he reacted that way, it makes me really not want to have sex...he hurt my feelings pretty badly, and I feel really bad for saying this, but to me it seems like he is being a wuss when he cries about our little fights, and it makes me less attracted to him....so right now I guess when I think about having sex (or using the vibrator) I think about him crying about it and that turns me off....
Wow. That was a lot to say...
He's not only being ridiculous but wow, crying?
Like, how old is is this person?
Does he pull a crying jag often to get what he wants -- kinda like how a six year old does?
Your big issue:
Not that he's all huffy that a vibrator is the third, but the fact that he's petty and uses tears to manipulate people. He needs counseling, stat.
And he needs to grow up and get over himself.
I think his feelings are valid and all but you guys really need to be able to talk it out, when something difficult comes up the response should not be him crying and you not speaking, what the hell is that supposed to accomplish?
Using a vibrator is pretty normal (as long as you're not replacing him with the vibrator), why not use it WHILE having sex instead of as just a means to get you off and then having sex with him so that he can do his thing. Let him know why you like it (how it's like any other foreplay for you) if he starts crying maybe suggest that he pull himself together and that you'll come back in 5-10 minutes so that you can finish talking about this. Crying is no different then yelling or getting all quiet during a discussion/argument, he needs to work on this (and you need to work on talking too by the sounds of it. If he can't figure it out on his own he needs to try counselling.
I think crying about it is a tad ridiculous.
Sometimes I can orgasm just from having sex and sometimes I can't. If it seems like it is leaning more toward can't, H and I will incorporate the vibrator into sex, so we can both get what we want.
It really doesn't bother H at all.
I'm going to play devil's advocate here but maybe he cries because he feels he isn't good enough for you. How would you feel if you wanted to have sex and he said he just wanted to watch porn and masturbate to it to get off and then have sex with you. It would hurt I bet, and maybe that's how he feels. Is crying extreme? Maybe to you it is, but I find it funny that most women think it's extreme for a guy to cry and yet when a woman does it it's perfectly fine. Gender double standards I guess, but I digress. I think he was hurt, like he's hurt when you argue. And giving someone the silent treatment is not okay under any circumstances. I think you two need counseling and need to learn to communicate better, because all I'm seeing is a couple who can't communicate effectively.
Well, let's face it - you DO prefer the vibrator. It gets you off. He doesn't.
That's the biggest problem here, really. The two of you need to figure out together how to get you off. Having sex where only one of you has an orgasm is just unacceptable.
Try to think about things the other way around. You need to understand that his reaction is because he feels like a failure, his confidence is completely shot. How would you feel if your husband could not orgasm from sex with you, and just to get it over with, he obliged by letting you get on him until you finished, then when you were done, he went and checked out some porn and masturbated to finish?
Don't you think you would feel a little less enthused about having sex in that case? For him, its not just about getting off. He wants to give you pleasure, to feel like he is the source of your sexual gratification, not some pink toy you stash in your nightstand. It sucks for a man to think that his partner needs to use this vibrator not just as an added bonus incorporated into foreplay, but simply to have an orgasm. Your approach is hurting his ego and that confidence killer will totally sap his sex drive. If he knows he can't please you BEFORE he even starts to have sex with you, how do you think he will enjoy it during the act?