Starting Over
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
::amandajordan::
Did you ever talk with BF about the conversation about not wanting anymore children? Forgive me if you already posted about this because I've been gone.
Also, you do NOT have to answer if you aren't comfortable, I realize I'm being nosey asking you this.
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Re: ::amandajordan::
I don't mind answering at all!
I was quite honest with him that I was not into having more kids. He (like pretty much everyone else) seems to think that it has to do with my ex. Again, I told him why I don't want any more and he said "well, let's just see where things go with us".
I don't know wtf that means. I told him what was up and I appreciate that he's willing to take his time with me. It's just that it's not getting any easier to split up with him (not that I want to but it only seems fair that he be with someone who can give him what he wants). He went back to work and will be there for another 4 weeks or so. I DO NOT want to tell him that over FB or text (which is how we communicate while he is gone) as it feels inappropriate and impersonal. Things are at a standstill now.
To make things more interesting, I was talking to my sister about this when she was home a couple weeks ago and she's under the impression that I will change my mind. Oh, and that I might have a hard time finding a man who will accept my child without the possibility of having his own. Ouch. She's usually very understanding so I'm not sure where this is coming from.
I just don't know how to approach this and ANY advice is welcomed.
Ugh, that's hard and FTR I disagree with your sister completely.
I know it might not be what is easiest or what you want to hear, but I would probably just break it off, given that he is keeping his original stance and you are keeping yours. That's tough but it might save you both a little heartbreak in the end. I think he thinks you'll change your mind and you have made it clear that you won't. It's like he's hearing you, but not really listening.
I fully intend to break it off but, like I said, I don't want to do it over text, KWIM? I don't want to hurt him because he really is a genuinely good guy.
I think he's just like everyone else-thinking that because I had a "traumatic" experience with my ex, it will just take time to get over. That's just not it and I don't know how to make people see that.
I don't know the whole story, but I really wanted to post when I saw your statement above.
I don't know if you can "make" people see it, you just have to be firm that you are not having anymore. Period. If people try to pressure you to justify it, try your best not to fall into that as they will always have a "but" to counter any reason you may have. Whether it is "kids need siblings" or "you'll get baby fever again" or "you'll regret it" or "if you really love someone you will want them again", all are ridiculous. Just repeat over and over to any prying something like "I do not want more kids". Does not matter what the question is (Q: "why not?" A" "I do not want more kids") or what the retort is (Q: but your oldest is so amazing and kids should have siblings! A: "I hear you, but I do not want more kids"). Most of the sane ones will tire of it. The crazier ones, well, they won't get very far even if they keep trying and you can retain your sanity without getting into a debate to prove your feelings to them.
I am coming from a bit of a different place in that I do not have kids, and do not want them at all, but I do know there are plenty of people out there who will try their best to convince you that you do not know what you want. I have heard all sorts of people provide all sorts of reasons why I should overcome my certainty about not wanting them, or convince me I will change my mind. None of them are valid for me. However, I hear them ALL the time as I am 32 years old, in a very loving, healthy, intimate and wonderful marriage (with, I note, a man who is great with children and is more open to having then I am, but would rather have me than hypothetical kids), financially stable in a great career, and am quite good with the children that are in my life (like my nieces and nephews), I just, for my own reasons, do not want to be a parent and I do not want to have children of my own.
You HAVE a child, know what the deal is, and people are still trying to convince you that you want more. Ugh! I feel for you. It's like people often think you have not given it any thought, when in my experience it is probably just the opposite - you have likely given more thought to NOT having more kids than many have given to having them (not saying this is true for all people though!). Just remain firm. Some people just will never get it, and you will only exhaust yourself trying to help them get it!
Some other thoughts, it does sound like your BF thinks you will change your mind. I would say that as you talked more about it with him he may understand more where you are coming from and not be as keen on having kids of his own, but it sounds like you HAVE done this and is still dismissing your feelings on the issue and going along with the "you'll change your mind" thing.
As for your sister, I also disagree with her. While it may be more difficult to find someone who is willing to become involved with a single parent and not want kids of his own, and there are certain men who don't want kids at all who will not date single parents, it is not at ALL impossible.
P.S. I just noted you were in Winnipeg, that is my hometown though I have not been living there since 2009 or so.
Thanks for your response! And holler for Winnipeg
I know that all I have to say is that "I don't want any more", it's just terribly frustrating to keep having to say it over and over like a broken record.
As for my sister, I don't want anyone getting the wrong impression because she's wonderful and has always been there for me. It's her opinion and she's certainly entitled to it and I didn't mean to sound catty just because I didn't agree with it.
I know that there are many men that will be happy with me and my situation. I'm in no rush for that to happen-I kind of like that I can do my own thing right now. I just refuse to believe that it's either pop out another baby to make someone else happy or be alone forever.
As for A, he will get it eventually I just need to sit him down, again, face to face and explain it.
I think you're awesome for being self aware enough to know what you want and not be willing to compromise on the really important stuff.
And if you change your mind later, thats your business and your prerogative.