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Sorry, just venting about my MIL (it's long.)
So the relationship my DH and I have with MIL is bad to put it nicely. We had to get a prepaid phone and change our phone numbers because she was such a monumental pain in the ass. During my pregnancy she kept saying how she was more important than a baby, and we should be taking care of her instead. Yeah, she's a real peach. We don't deal with her unless we have too, and see her maybe once a year. After I had DD, all of a sudden she swears up and down she never said any of that, and how sorry she was for any undue stress and blah blah it was all very insincere and fake. She's trying to make herself look good to the rest of his family.
So we're going down to visit family for Christmas. She lives in the same town as my parents, so she was going to see the baby then. She hadn't wanted to drive up to see her before hand. She's pretty much said as much, that she didn't want to spend all that time in the car, and that we should come to her. Right, because it makes more sense for us to have to pack up all our baby stuff and drive 6-8 hours just to see you.
Today however, she really pissed me off. She left a VM on the phone today about how selfish we were for not having Thanksgiving with her, and how we should have offered to fly her up so she could have seen the baby and how all of my family has seen the baby and we should have made accommodations for her, and the best part, how she deserved to see her more than anyone else.
I'm sorry, it's not our responsibility to make arrangements for you to see the baby and you're certainly not entitled to see her just because your DH's mom. I'm sorry I don't care who you are, no one is entitled to see my child. Especially since she's been nothing but a monumental PITA since the beginning. She dumped a huge debt in our laps and we to this day have not gotten an apology. She just wants us to keep paying for things for her. In her mind, she's more important than anything else, including the baby and we should make every accommodation for her. My parents drove the distance to see their grandchild. She made the choice not to drive up to see her. She knew we would be going there at Christmas, and now because she pulled this BS DH says that she won't be seeing DD at Christmastime. Sadly, I knew it was only a matter of time before she pulled something like this.
I'll just follow DH's lead, his mom his decision, but something tells me she won't be meeting DD anytime in the foreseeable future, considering when DH says something like that, he doesn't change his mind.
Re: Sorry, just venting about my MIL (it's long.)
How did she put this debt on your lap?
What is your DH saying to her to let her know that you will not be paying for everything? What does he tell her when she talks about you driving all the way there or having you pay for a flight?
The debt is a house related thing, I'm staying out of that as much as possible, but we recently were able to put a stop to it, we think there may have been some identity theft involved.
Pretty much DH just says "No," "Absolutely not." and "Are you Fvcking insane?"
Here's the thing- let her yammer on about what she's entitled to, etc. What is she going to DO about it? Nothing. She actually gets you on the phone about this? Don't react emotionally. Just say "uh huh. well, we didn't do that so we'll see you at Christmas". Just don't get into it with her. Take the wind out of her sails!
In reality, she's not really "pulling" anything. She has no power here. She can think all this stuff all she wants - it's on YOU to react. So, you obviously dont' buy her a ticket, you obviously don't make any extra trips to see her, etc.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
As I said we have a prepaid phone for her.
What is it with these looney toon MIL's?!
During my pregnancy she kept saying how she was more important than a baby, and we should be taking care of her instead.
This makes me side-eye your MIL (if I wasn't already). Way to make an important life event for someone else all about you, MIL. Mine did the same with announcing her divorce plans from FIL on the elevator ride up to see our newborn with DH trapped in the elevator with them. She also threw a hissy fit and wanted to stay in the car when they drove 3 hours to see us the day after Abby was born. It was all a ploy for attention and making it about her so that no one else could have their moment in the sun. Its juvenile and so full of crap.
She left a VM on the phone today about how selfish we were for not having Thanksgiving with her, and how we should have offered to fly her up so she could have seen the baby and how all of my family has seen the baby and we should have made accommodations for her, and the best part, how she deserved to see her more than anyone else.
If she wants to see the baby then she should get her happy butt on a plane & come out there. It is not reasonable to make you drive or fly all over Hell's half-acre so that she can be Queen Sheba.
I don't know if you've read my posts about my MIL, but yours & mine are cut of the same cloth I believe. They want to be AW's and make everything about them & their needs. Its exhausting. Especially now when you already have one baby demanding your time & energy. You really don't need a drama queen MIL doing the same.
I agree with you that no one "deserves" to see the baby (except the parents that conceived the baby!) and if she feels so entitled she should do what everyone else has done-- get up off her rump & come out to see you.
Honestly, I wouldn't entertain her BS anymore. As hard as it is I would make sure she doesn't have your number (to leave VM or anything else). Its hard. I've had to do it with my MIL. Basically, I leave it up to my husband if he feels that he wants to deal with her. Usually the glorious I-phone lets you delete VM without evening having to listen to it now! So we have successfully kept our distance and will continue to do so unless there is some sort of improvement.
I'm really sorry you are dealing with this, but as one who has dealt with similar shyt. It really is easier to make sure she has limited contact with you. It makes your life easier and right now that is a marvelous thing. Good luck.
I'd lose that pre-paid phone that connects you to her!
Seriously, she can SAY all she wants, but you know how she is, so don't listen to her! If it bugs you to listen to her messages, then have your H be the one to check into voicemail or to call you.
She wants a lot from you, more than a normal parent would (is she from a different culture, where kids pay a lot of parents expenses?). That doesn't mean you have to entertain her demands!
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I think ECB has some excellent advice - not that it's easy. For sure, it's not. But I think how you guys 'survive' her is going to be less about what she says and does and more about what you tell yourselves. If it is still difficult, a little bit of therapy might not a bad idea - not because you guys are the crazy ones, but just because therapy can really help you learn what to tell yourself when dealing with these types of anxieties.
Also, sounds like MIL may have a personality disorder, like maybe NPD or BPD. (I am not a doctor, just some familial experience and lots of reading done on the subject.)
I'm going to "ditto" much of what the PPs said, so I'll leave it at that.
One thing that I haven't seen mentioned is cutting a toxic person out of your life. Its difficult when its someone who is related to you but it can be done. Its also OK to do that. Neither of you need the added stress and all it does (remaining in contact) is enable her to keep doing/saying/pulling the same crap.