Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Hard keeping a secret from DH
This will be long, and will use letters as names, so I hope you can follow.
A few weeks ago, we went to a friend's wedding. This friend (groom, we'll call him G) is a mutual friend of a lot of people in my life. My siblings, their spouses, my in-laws were all at this wedding.
A couple of hours into the reception, my college-aged SIL (DH's sister) had a few drinks in her, and we were chatting with my brother R's girlfriend (let's call her C) and having fun. The groom's brother (J) is SIL's age, and they used to work together at their summer jobs. He's a super cute and nice kid, and he and SIL have been flirting consistently for a few years now. I smiled at SIL and leaned over and said, "I love J. I think you should date him."
In a sing-song voice, she said, "ME TOOOOO. But it's so complicated."
I couldn't imagine how it was complicated, so I said, "What? No it isn't. How?"
And she leaned in and said, "I slept with T [J's brother/groom's other brother]." This was surprising to me because a) Despite knowing both J and the groom, I had never met T before the wedding, so he wasn't even a blip on my radar, and b) This was the first time my SIL had ever confided in me about any bit of her sex life. I had suspected she was no longer a virgin, but wasn't sure.
Before I could even fully process what had just been said, C leaned in and added, "But not by choice!" Internally, my reaction was like "holy sh*t," but externally, I held it together and asked for explanation.
It turned out that another one of my brothers (A) and his wife (N)--who are "friends" with my SIL--had her over for a party at their house a couple of summers ago. Now, first of all... my brother and his friends are in their mid-20s, and my SIL, at the time of this party, was only 18-19. Granted, we let my SIL drink at our house when we have her over, but it's never been much of a "party" situation.
Anyway, at this party, T came with G. SIL apparently had a lot to drink over the course of the night, and went up into the bedroom to pass out, since she was planning to spend the night at A and N's house. Long story short, T went upstairs after her and apparently started initiating sex. SIL says that he undressed her and forced himself on her. She was in no position to fight him off and said that he hurt her, because there was no foreplay/it wasn't consensual/she wasn't into it. She also said, "It was awful. He was only the second person I had been with."
Hearing about it made me physically ill, but I figured a) there isn't much I can do about it, it was quite a while ago, and b) she didn't seem to be too distraught/damaged over it (at least not now), so I followed her lead and brushed it off.
Here's are the things that are still bothering me most, weeks later:
1) She told me that I can't tell DH (as a reminder, DH is her older brother). I don't want to disrespect her wishes and betray her trust, but honestly, my biggest motivator for not telling DH is because I'm pretty sure he would go and murder this kid, T. It would be bad.
2) I am so unbelievably pissed at A and N. I feel like they should have been protecting SIL, watching out for her more. How does this happen in a bedroom in their house without them realizing it? It pisses me off that A, N, and even R and his girlfriend C knew all about this situation, but DH and I didn't. There are times when I feel like confronting them about it. I love them, but damn, I am just unbelievably mad at them right now.
And then there is the fact that I feel like I am keeping something from DH. Again, I feel like I really can't tell him, but we don't really keep secrets--and I feel especially bad about it because it's his sister.
I guess all of this is just to get it off my chest in some way, and to ask... in your minds, should I be doing anything differently?
I'm hoping my anger about the situation will lessen over time.
Re: Hard keeping a secret from DH
If SIL hooked up with T (and consented to it!) and was embarrassed..sure, that little lie I could keep from my husband.
SIL being RAPED by T...I don't think I could keep it in...
I think I struggle with the decision whether to tell DH because SIL specifically told me not to. Obviously my loyalty lies with DH in pretty much every area of life, but with this, I'm not so sure what to do. I wonder what the benefit of telling him would be? Wouldn't it just be upsetting to him? Anger him the same way it angers me?
There's just part of me that thinks he's better off not knowing. I sort of wish I never found out myself.
I haven't told a soul, haven't spoken of it since finding out (except now, with you), and it's been hard. I would normally confide in my mom or my sister about things like this but I don't even want them to know. Having two of my brothers and their SOs aware of it is bad enough.
The other part of this is that it's in the past now. SIL appears to have worked out her issues with it and has moved on.
I don't know. This sucks.
I'm sorry sorry for your SIL and the situation you are in. Could you talk to SIL again, and tell her how you feel. That you feel like if DH found out he would be upset with you for not telling him? I would ask if you could try to convince her to tell him, but I don't see that happening. It I were her, I would not tell my brother.
You can't really tell DH and swear him to secrecy, cuz I'm sure next time you are all together his emotions will be obvious. Maybe you could talk the the person whose house it happened at....does she even know it happened?
Good luck. This is a really sucky situation to be in. I think my ultimate suggestion would be to talk to SIL again. Any other option seems like you're spreading her business around. (Even though I understand that you share all with DH, and I don't consider that to be spreading business).
I understand what you're saying...but, I don't know...I guess I'd feel better telling my DH and lifting the burden I feel off my shoulders a bit?
It's a tough situation and I'm sorry you have to deal with it, and very sorry for what your SIL had to go through.
I may get flamed, but I wouldn't say anything. While your emotions regarding the situation are understandable, it may just be the burden of knowledge you have to bear now. Sometimes knowing things just sucks.
If the SIL were more distressed about it (which it doesn't sound like she is, for example, she used the term "I had sex with" instead of "I was raped by") my answer would be different.
The other thing I'm thinking...if SIL decides later she IS having trouble processing all of it, you want to be there for her. At that time she may come clean to her brother herself. If you tell your DH now (which, btw, your SIL WILL find out about) your SIL may not trust you to talk to you again.
Good luck, this situation sounds really awful.
I'm so sorry that it sounds like something shady happened with T and your SIL.
First of all, I think when people are drinking they can make light of serious situations, so if you are really concerned about your SIL, perhaps readress this with her in the future when you have a quiet moment to make sure she is really ok with what happened. If she is really ok with it, you can probably move on.
I agree that it will be obvious if you tell him and that could create lasting damage in your relationship with your SIL. Because she may want to talk to someone about this in a more serious manner in the future, it's probably best to keep her trust in you intact so that she can turn to you for help if she needs it. I never keep secrets from my husband, but if I were in this position, I think I would leave him blissfully ignorant.
This situation isn't about your DH, it's about your SIL. By telling your DH you would be betraying her, and that's not a good thing to do considering the situation. What you need to do is be there for her. She confided in your for a reason. IMO, what happened to her is considered rape and she is probably ashamed and embarassed. If I were you I would encourage her to seek therapy so that she can process what happened.
I'm sorry that something so awful happened to your SIL. You are a wonderful person for being there for her and for being so concerned. (((HUGS)))
Neena Mae. 1/7/10
"A baby nursing at a mother's breast is an undeniable affirmation of our rootedness in nature." - David Suzuki
Our crazy, wonderful life
This. People say things when they are drunk that they may not mean. I might mention something to her about it when she's sober to see if it's an issue she needs help in dealing with. You might get a different story when she's sober.
She didn't seem to be making a big deal about it, and if you tell YH, it will then definitely be a big deal. You want to make sure with her what the situation is, rather than going off a drunken rendering of a story.
To me, the very fact that she's describing it as having slept with him, but not on purpose - - instead of calling it what it really is, which is rape, leads me to believe that she very much has NOT processed it or is over it. I agree that her telling you may have been alcohol-induced.
I would bring it up to her sober and ask her about it. Gauge for yourself how she is doing. If it's not good, encourage her to seek therapy or to talk about it. Tell her that it's very hard for you to not tell DH but that you won't and she can trust you, etc.
It's possible that since it seems others know and haven't (presumably, I have no idea) gotten mad or done anything to T that no one will believe her or it isn't really rape. So, in addition to talking to her, I'd probably rip my brothers a new one for knowing and not saying something or trying to help......
It's very common for women who have been raped to not make a big deal of it. It's kind of like if you deny it then it didn't really happen mentality. It seems to me that she really needs to process it with therapy.
Neena Mae. 1/7/10
"A baby nursing at a mother's breast is an undeniable affirmation of our rootedness in nature." - David Suzuki
I didn't think of it that way. I figured denial would = nothing happened, instead of manifesting as making light of it.
It could be completely different - everybody has different experiences and ways of sharing/communicating them. I only speak from having myself experienced a very similar situation, at least from how I read the story.
It could very well be something serious that she is making light of out of denial, and needs help in dealing with. It also could be something that she has already dealt with, and only mentioned because she was intoxicated. Could go either way, which is why I suggest bringing it up in a sober setting.
I know I told MH about my situation when I was intoxicated, and he was a lot more mad about it than I was. That's because I had already dealt with it internally.