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Rough times
So, how do you go from a couple in love to two people who are always griping at each other, always tired and snippy?
I think I still love my husband. He's a good man. We like the same things and he's not an ***. He doesn't drink too much, he holds down a good job. He's a good provider, considering I was unemployed a lot this year. (And he was unemployed a few years before that while I held down the fort.)
But he expects our kids to be perfect angels 24/7 and snaps at them when they're not. (I'm not perfect in this arena, but every day he's yelling or snapping at them.) He used to be nice to me and give me compliments, etc. all. the. time. Now he says things like, "Are you standing in my way on purpose?" and "Out of the way, please." I ran into the house because HE had forgotten some loaf pans he's going to loan to a friend whose coming for Thanksgiving tomorrow and he grumbled at me for putting them in a bag when he wanted to put them in his shoulder bag. Then we stopped to recycle some hangers at the cleaners, and he apparently yelled at me to hurry up, though I was outside, didn't hear this, I heard my 5 year old say, "Why are you yelling at her?" And asked who he was yelling at. Apparently it was me, because "I wasn't moving fast enough. He has to catch a train." I wasn't running, but I wasn't lollygagging about, as he said. And this is ME jumping out of the car and doing things that HE requested me to do.
He says I'm not attracted to him anymore. It has nothing to do with him putting on weight. It has to do with me not feeling loved. At the same time, I had a rough day (I'm looking for a better job) last week and he bought me a stuffed animal to keep on my desk and remind me how much he loved me.
Is this just a rough patch? Do you think he's depressed? I just feel like we're bickering all the time, and I'm getting really tired of it.
Samantha Skye - Aug 30, 2006 AND Maxwell Griffin - April 14, 2009
Re: Rough times
Have you talked to him about how you feel? I would hate it if my husband yelled at me like that on the regular. I wouldn't be attracted to that either because it feels like he loathes to be around you or the kids. How is that attractive? I mean, honestly if you were nagging him and saying things like that to him all the time he would feel the same way, right?
It sounds like he might be frustrated with something else and taking it out on you. Is he having a hard time at work? You need to ask him why he is behaving like that if it is a new thing. Its really sad when your 5 year old notices that your husband is yelling for no apparent reason, no?
I would also recommend some marriage counseling to work on communication. Your husband shouldn't yell at you because you are not a mind reader. If he wants the pans (or anything else) in the shoulder bag he can ask like a rational human being, "honey, if you would please put the pans in my shoulder bag that would be great. Thanks."
Have a sit down and show him this post. You all might need a tune up on your communication skills so please see about getting to a counselor. It will help. Good luck.
CRITERIA FOR DIAGNOSING CLINICAL DEPRESSION:
* persistently sad, anxious, or empty moods* loss of pleasure in usual activities (anhedonia)
* feelings of helplessness, guilt, or worthlessness
* crying, hopelessness, or persistent pessimism
* fatigue or decreased energy
* loss of memory, concentration, or decision-making capability
* restlessness, irritability
* sleep disturbances
* change in appetite or weight
* physical symptoms that defy diagnosis and do not respond to treatment (especially pain and gastrointestinal complaints)
* thoughts of suicide or death, or suicide attempts
* poor self-image or self-esteem (as illustrated, for example, by verbal self-reproach)
CRITERIA FOR DIAGNOSING INCONSIDERATE, SELFISH JERKFACE:
* See OPI don't know if he's depressed. He's definitely frustrated with something in his life, or with life in general, and is taking it out on you and the kids. Not good, and definitely not okay, whether he's depressed or not.
Do either of you have EAP through work? It's one way to get a few sessions with a counselor at no cost, and it's completely confidential.
Do you tell him the way he is making you feel? Just as you are not a mind reader he isn't one either and may not know he is even doing it even though he should notice you are fighting more but men are many times oblivious.
That being said I wouldn't say he sound depressed but I would say he sounds may be stressed out about something and taking it out on you. (This may or may not be the case he may have a totally different set of issues.)
I know that my DH gets stressed at work and sometimes he will start to get short with me for silly things that he has NO business being mean about all because he is walking on egg shells all day at work. When it started I put my foot down BIG time and told him he can talk to me or vent to me about things going on at work but he is never allowed to make me his punching bag or make me feel like I am the source of his problems.
My suggestion is 1. Stand up for yourself, your kids are seeing this behavior and they don't need to start thinking it is appropriate to treat anyone much less someone you love this way and 2. Ask him to go to a counselor with you to work things out, if he says no you have a whole new set of problems but if he says yes you can work through it together in a positive manner.
Is he depressed? Extra stress at work? Financial difficulties? Drugs?
Do the 2 of you set aside couple time on a regular basis?
Have you seen a marriage counselor?
My husband was very SIMILAR!. It began right after our children were born (6 years ago) - we became emotional disconnect and was "easily irritated" by the children and always left them to me to look after while he went out to movies or sporting events. I kept thinking it would get better (he has a good job, doesn't use drugs nor abuse me and we had been perfect for each other: best friends!), but instead it continued to be emotionally vacant. he confessed to having joined an online dating site - which we moved past (since I'd just had our second baby I so wanted our marriage to work). But this past year it got worse (he went on vacation without us, worked many nights for several months til 2 am, starting going to work events/parties without inviting me... I also found out he had reconnected on FB with his ex fiancee and then even visited another old college girlfriend while on a work trip, and I saw his internet search -he'd been looking up female college students.
we're getting divorced.
A friend of mine told me some golden words that I keep in mind:
"It is hard to kiss the lips at night that chewed your a$$ off all day long."
Get some marriage counseling.
I don't get depressed out of this post. I get a rut. Like daily life is a grind and there is no fun to be had. Every day is the same thing, things must be done. A mini mid-life crisis.
I'd start with a heart to heart one night after the kids are down. Counseling maybe, but even then I'd start with just plain, old fashioned talking.
Have you had a heart-to-heart about this? Aside from a random line of how you guys don't care...etc.
Sounds like there is a big rough patch, that needs some serious communication here. Either you have a heart-to-heart with him or you guys should get counseling. I advise if you can get these things out in the open with him, it may bring some clarity to what's going on in his head and his in your head.
If not, there could be a great divide between the two of you, which will only end in bitterness/resentment.
Sometimes when there are other issues on our minds, we tend to lash out at the ones we love. Does this make sense? Not at all, but I notice when I have bigger things on my plate, that don't get forced into the forefront and delt with...I will push it down and take out frustration out on others (through yelling etc.) It is not healthy at all.