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thanksgiving issues
I've posted on here before about this issue, and it's really the only large issue me and my H have. And it has to do with setting boundaries with his parents.
I work a job that does not give me holidays off, so this week is just a normal week for me. And next week is just another normal week for me. My H's family is getting together on thanksgiving day 3 hours from where we live, and they gave him the thumbs up to stay at home with his wife who is working.
His parents wanted to do a thanksgiving dinner with just us on Saturday, which I was more than happy to agree to. But when my H called his mother to make arrangements, she informed him that she was expecting us to come to their house friday night, sleep there, watch college football all day saturday, sleep there again, go to church on sunday, and THEN do thanksgiving dinner. (We live 25 minutes away from their house, so there is no reason why would need to sleep there in the first place).
I have absolutely no interest in college football, and like I said this is a normal work week for me and I have stuff that I would like to get done this weekend. But H told his mom we would be there saturday and sunday, but that we weren't going to stay the night. He thought this was a compromise situation between me and his mother.
Here's my issue, and tell me if I'm wrong here please....because I very well could be. But I feel like I'm his wife and I should come first. I don't feel like he should be trying to make his mother happy. He's a 27 year old married man. I think one day of the weekend is plenty enough holiday time (thanksgiving is really only one day after all) and it's not like I was trying to get out of the whole weekend.
He completely disagrees with me and says that he will continue to do what his mom wants, and thinks it's something I'm just going to have to get used to. I told him that I don't feel the same need to appease his mother, and that I'm not going to do it anymore, but he's welcome to keep up the charade if he wants to.
How do I get him to see where I'm coming from? or am I in the wrong here?
Re: thanksgiving issues
I think that you should try and put yourself in your husband's shoes and see how he might feel. Just because you are married, doesn't mean that he will automatically stop trying to please his parents, and just because you come first in the relationship doesn't mean that you don't have to make compromises too. That being said, if he is doing EVERYTHING his mother asks of him or telling you that her wishes come first, then you have a big problem.
I love my husband and he is number one in my books, but that doesn't mean that I won't try to make him and my parents happy when I feel caught in the middle. Perhaps spending the entire weekend at your in-laws is excessive, but maybe you could find another compromise and be willing to spend more time there than just the one day?
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See, I was going to say to go make the most of the holiday weekend at your inlaws', it's one weekend, blah blah... until I read this little gem. And I flipped from "it's one weekend, won't kill you" to "awww HAYellll no". Looks like someone's gotta cut the cord.
I'm spending the entire weekend (sans Thanksgiving Day) at my inlaws' house three hours away, but the difference is, I'm looking forward to it.
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I would probably start by asking him why his mother's wishes are more important than yours-- why is it more important to do what his mom wants than to come to some sort of compromise where his mother gets to spend some time with him/you without both of you sacrificing your ENTIRE weekend?
None of this is about Thanksgiving--it's about his desire to serve his mother's wishes and needs at the expense of his wife's, and that's totally f*ckd up. I hate to pull the marriage counseling card, but it seems that there's more going on here than the two of you can address without some outside help.
But then that comment? I'm w/ zelda - this goes deeper than this holiday issue. You're married to a man who is alway going to put his mom first? If you weren't already married, I'd be saying "rethink marrying this guy".
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Tell your husband that he is free to spend Saturday watching college football, but that's not something that you enjoy. He can go without you. You will join him on Sunday about 1 hour before dinner.
Just because your MIL has expectations does not mean that you have to fall in line. However, my guess is that watching college football is something that your H has always enjoyed, and that's something that's more fun with more people. There is no reason why you can't spend time apart on the Saturday after Thanksgiving. It's hardly a special day.
Your H did attempt a compromise - - he did say no to the overnight thing (both Friday and Saturday), and I'm not sure if church was included in that deal or not. But just b/c YOU want to do something besides watch football doesn't mean that your H needs to stay home.
From personal experience - from the time my brother got married, my family has been completely slighted...whatever his wife wants, goes. It's not that I think that most of it is him being an incredible loyal DH to her, but moreso, he just doesn't want to "deal" with her antics or fight.
Seeing as though your DH is trying to keep a "balance" between keeping you happy while acknowledging your needs and still managing to please his mother within reason - I see no problem w/this. I admire this. However, DH expecting you to go along w/whatever arrangement he agrees to w/the IL's and saying you will say & do how he wants - that is just controlling & manipulative.
I agree with PP's about DH going over on Saturday to watch the college football & whatever other traditions he wants to partake in & if you have other things you need to do, you stay home. If DH is upset w/this, then he needs a new "compromise" w/you.
Up until this point, my response was going to be, "Your H's compromise sounds fair, and if the in-laws are willing to do a Thanksgiving do-over with you then I think that's only fair."
However:
Um, FUCCK no.
You guys need a sit-down ASAP. Compromise and some give-and-take is fine, but him telling you flat-out that it's Mommy's way or the highway is absolutely unacceptable. He's married to YOU, not Mommy. If he feels that strongly about her always getting her way over you, then tell him that he's free to move back home with her and stay there.
I'm in this camp.
What they said.
You need to talk to him. Your new family (you and your DH) comes before his parents. I have a similar issue with work but we make our respective families understand. If they have issues with it, they haven't said.
I'm confused and thinking this is more the OPs version of what happened rather than a direct meaningful quote. After all, he isn't doing what his mother wanted...he came up with a compromise. The issue is that the OP states she doesn't enjoy the extended day watching sports. In that, I agree, one weekend won't kill her.
Well, if unilateral decisions are the rule of the road in your marriage, I would let him know that he should go and have a great time, and you will see him on Sunday when you show up for Church and Thanksgiving. And that in the future, if he wants to come up with a way to see both sides of your family at the holidays, then he needs to sit down with you BEFORE the holidays and that you will then agree to come up with a plan that both of you can live with.
Then I'd spend tomorrow night having a nice glass of wine and watching a movie :-)
I think that if it's a huge dealbreaking issue for you, then he should be willing to make a sacrifice. However, to me it sounds like he was trying to compromise a disagreement between two people that he loves, and that you are expecting him to play your way all of the time. It sounds like this is something that HE wants to do, and you are expecting him to only do what YOU want to do.....come up with a little compromise on your part. You certainly don't need to accompany him for the whole weekend if you don't want to.
If the quote about listening to his mother is a direct quote, then that might be an actual issue with your husband. However, to me it sounded like your interpretation of his decision, and in this case, it certainly doesn't sound like he's "momma's boy" and coming at her beck and call.
He compromised. You compromise.