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Dealing with BF's mom
Hopefully this doesn't come off as random babble but looking for some perspective regarding BF's mother.
First of all, I love this woman. She has invited me to do things with her (without BF being there) several times. We get along great. However, we are basically the same person (yes, this is very Freud). We both are very assertive, Type A (i.e. slightly control freak), planner, head strong people.
We are going over to his parent's house for T-day tomorrow and I asked BF what I should make. He texts me and said his mom just wants us to bring a bottle of wine. I text him back and offer to make a dessert, I don't mind. He responds saying "No. She was pretty adamant on just wine". Sooo...of course I get wondering on WHY she just wants us to bring wine. Is she trying to make us be "guests" or is she being control freakish, "back off biiatch, this is my T-day" about the holiday?
I asked BF once if he thought his mom minded that I am like her (being a planner/organizer/helper) and he said no, but that I am VERY different than his XW. Apparently XW really didn't want any part of it and didn't help out at all. Idk, I was raised to help out and I LIKE helping out and being part of things.
Needless to say, I plan on talking to her in regards to her feelings/thoughts tomorrow. We are celebrating BF's birthday on Sunday and when she initially told me about the bday party, I told her I would get in touch with her to help plan out the menu. Now I am wondering if I am stepping on toes or is she okay with all of this.
Any thoughts to my random babble, or advice on how to approach her?
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
Re: Dealing with BF's mom
I wouldn't read into "just bring a bottle of wine." Don't overthink it.
She may have a nice menu planned and is worried that you might duplicate something, or whatev. (this would be kind of anal, but not personal, I don't think)
She might also want you to "just be a guest," yes, which I don't think is a terrible thing? I mean, I think it's awesome that you want to help/contribute, but if she says all she needs is wine, I don't think that's rude.
Also, is it possible that someone in their family has a food allergy or something, and she has made the meal to those specifications?
As for the bday party, if it comes up, you can reiterate your offer to help, but if she is throwing it and hosting it at her house, no need to push, I don't think. Be available, but not entitled.
I think you're overthinking this. If she's a huge planner then she probably has her entire menu set and really only wants wine. I don't think it's anything personal. Also, some people get very possessive over holidays--maybe Thanksgiving is her thing and she really just wants to do it alone. I wouldn't mention the fact that she only wanted you to bring wine--you already asked twice and she declined. I would let it go.
Tomorrow I would mention the birthday to her and ask if she still wants help with the menu. If she declines, tell her it would really mean a lot to you to help out and take it from there.
I think you're overthinking this. She probably just wants you to bring a bottle of wine because that's all she needs. There may be other family members who always contribute the same thing and there's just no more food that's needed.
As far as the birthday goes, ask her if she needs help on anything. If you feel like she's taking total control of the family celebration and doesn't want you butting in then plan a seperate one for you, your bf and some friends.
I understand liking to plan and contribute, but when you've accepted the invitation to be someone else's guest, you have to go along with what the host wants.
No, because I have made things for her family GTGs before and nothing was ever said.
In terms of the bday party, some of this is MY issue. I was kind of annoyed that she decided to have a party for him, made the decision, and never said anything to either one of us until after. Yes, she is his mother and she gets "priority" over me, but what I had already been planning something? Idk, sometimes I wonder how she feels about me helping out, making stuff, etc. Does it bother her or is she fine with it? It bothers me, and this might be completely MY issue which is why I want to talk with her about it. I don't want to feel like we are two lions circling over the same piece of meat, haha!!
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
The "talk" wouldn't be about the wine but more like "I know you're not used to having someone who likes to plan/help out/etc. How do you feel about this? Is it okay with you or would you like me to back off a bit?"
But obviously in a nicer, less blunt way, haha!
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
Hang out on WC for any period of time, and you'll find that people sometimes plan very elaborate, themed menus, so they don't want anything extra that might clash with what they have planned (or dup., as PP said). Bottle of wine, it is.
As far as the birthday, I like PP's suggestion of telling her that it would mean a lot to you if you could help plan the menu and/or bring some of the food. If you approach it like that and you have a decent relationship, I'm sure she wouldn't mind!
Ha, right.
Okay well I agree with a PP (I think) who said that, if she doesn't ask for your help, if you want a time and place to do things your way, you could host something separate with more of a friends group instead of a family group.
I think it's awesome you want to contribute, help plan, etc., but I still think you are kind of overthinking this. Be clear that you're available to help/contribute, but don't be offended if the host (in this case, BF's mom) doesn't take you up on it, you know?
Hmm...I just don't know if this is TOTALLY my bs or if this is difficult for her. I want us to have a good relationship and BF and I have only been together 7 months. Because moms and I are so similar, I could see us having a really GOOD relationship or a really BAD relationship. I obviously would like us to have a good relationship because BF is very close with his family.
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
She's his mom. You're his girlfriend. I'm sure she understands that you want to be involved in his life, but she's been there having birthdays for him all along. I'm getting the sense that you two haven't been together that long if you're getting this worked up over a bottle of wine and a family bday dinner.
OP, relax. She doesn't think you're stealing her precious baby. She probably just doesn't need your help and is carrying on with family traditions.
She cares about having a good relationship with her SO's mother. I don't think that's weird at all.
:::pulling the stick out of my ass::::
Ouch! Alright, ladies, I give up haha! You are right, I am being too senstive about this. Thanks for the feedback
Feel free to keep it comin' if there is more!
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
I don't think it's weird to want to have a good relationship with her, but dmarie seems to be overthinking things a bit (IMO) and taking her actions a bit personally, when it doesn't appear that they have anything to do with her.
Dmarie - could you be projecting your fear that she may not like you onto her? I think if you just let a relationship naturally develop without overthinking her actions or what she says, than you will be fine. I think it IS strange to have a conversation with her regarding whether or not it bothers her that you all are so similar.
On another note, I don't see how she would be trying to control the holiday just because she asked you to only bring wine. She's hosting and therefore, probably willing to provide everything.
Good point. In my family there are SO many of us that we all pitch in and make food/desserts for the holidays. I am not used to NOT making anything so I guess I consider it kind of rude that I don't make anything and just show up with wine. This is my first major holiday with them so maybe this is what they are used to and I need to set aside my own pre-disposed thoughts onto it and just go with it. And DL, I wasn't going to be like "does it bother you that we are alike" but more like "I know I step in sometimes and try to help with planning/baking/cooking etc. Is this okay with you or would you rather I back off and you can come to me if you want help" type of thing.
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
I really wouldn't ask her this stuff. I would just let the relationship develop. Even if you knew that this bothered her, would you want to change your whole personality? If you were dating her, then yeah, a conversation might be warranted. But you're dating her son, so I would let it slide. You're both adults, if you want to help, then offer to help, you shouldn't have to ask if offering help is over the line. IMO you're really over thinking this.
If anything about the birthday, what about approaching like it, "What do you need me to do for the party you planned? I'm really excited to make this special by helping out since I care for BF so much"
ETA: Or come up with solid ideas so that you don't feel that even if she asks you to do something that she's controlling the show. Tell her you want to make a dessert, appetizer, invitations, decorations, fun activities, etc. Pick something you want to do and tell her your idea.
I honestly wouldn't bring up the topic in that type of way because (to me) it's sounds to me like you're asking permission to be yourself. If she's holding an event, I'd ask if she needs anything and when/if she says no, I'd leave it at that. I think saying something like, "I'd like to help in anyway I can. Is there anything you need?" would also be appropriate. Be prepared to back off when she says she doesn't need anything though.
By today, I have already planned my Thanksgiving menu. I have already purchased the food, apps, and dessert. Wine is one thing people could bring that, if it is not opened, I can save for a later date. If someone told me they were bringing an extra dessert, I would just think that there will be too much dessert and it will end up wasted.
I don't think I am controlling, but I always tell people not to bring things to Thanksgiving. My mom has everyone bring a dish when she cooks, and that is just not something that I enjoy.
You admit you are type A. This is HER night hosting. SHE gets to call the shots. Let it go. It is not a personal rejection. Just b/c YOU enjoy helping out doesn't mean that the host wants you to do anything.
When you host, you can have people bring or not bring food.