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comment from aunt that i can't get past
My aunt said this about the fact that I don't have a relationship with still my very abusive mother (who she actually referred to as "evil") - "Well, people with worse childhoods than yours talk to their parents, so you should really reconsider."
I'm still seething mad over this comment and I can't seem to let it go. My childhood was pretty dramatic and included all manner of violence - I am truly lucky to be alive. I am sure people had it worse, but even so, what does it matter what they choose to do? I made my choice and I want it respected. Plus my mother is just as bad now as she was then - the only difference is, I can walk away now.
I don't even want to see my aunt b/c I'm that upset. I feel like she is invalidating my feelings. How do I move on? Do I confront her about how upset I am?
Re: comment from aunt that i can't get past
then dont see her, she doesnt deserve to be in your company. i would not associate at all with someone so clueless and blind.
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I guess you could confront her about her comment, but I don't recommend it, TBH. In a way, I feel like that opens it up for debate or reinforces her supposed belief that this is all her business. And it's not.
Yes, what she said is true. There are people who had horribly abusive childhoods who still maintain a relationship with their parents. But what's her point? They are 'other people', who depending on the circumstances may not be making the healthiest choice for themselves.
I'm sorry she made that comment to you. It was way out of line.
The truth is, it is none of her business if you talk to your mother or not. It's her sister and her niece, but it's not her relationship. Just b/c she is related to the two of you doesn't mean she gets a say.
I would tell her "look, I have no problem with cutting my mom out of my life, and if you keep up with the comments, you'll be next."
"I'll take that into consideration".
"Why, thank you."
Just some possible replies. Don't argue with stupid people.
Love this!!!!!!
Fvck your Aunt. She doesn't know how you feel, she wasn't treated like shiite from your mom, she has no say on whether or not you maintain a relationship with your mom.
I know you are right of course. I do think that my aunt cannot deal with what happened to me as a child and this might be why she said this.
My aunt is wonderful most of the time. She doesn't belittle me or discount me at all. She's always been my biggest cheerleader which is why I think this made me so upset.
I love this too. And I've actually got balls enough to maybe use it if needed, so thanks.
Actually, my mom treated my aunt pretty horribly. I think my Aunt is projecting her own issues with my grandmother, who although not abusive I think was pretty lousy to be around for a my mom and aunts as kids. I lived with her for a while and I can attest to the fact that she might not have been a very good mom, and from what I'm told, she treated me 1000 times better than anyone else in the family.
This still doesn't make me think her comment was acceptable. But you all are making me think that I need to consider the source, which is making me feel less angry about it.
Everybody is a little dysfunctional. Even your aunt.
"just because others do it doesn't mean they're right (or I'm wrong)"
"other people jump off bridges too."
"other people leap out of planes for fun"
"other people quit their jobs to live in a hut in Mexico"
"other people do drugs"
You get it, lots of people do other things, doesn't mean it's for everyone. Or a great way to handle things.
While her comment was definitely out of line and misguided, I would guess it came from a place of love. She loves you and is probably concerned that once your mom is gone, you'll regret having cut her out of your life.
I would just say Aunt____, I know you mean well and I really appreciate your concern, but I know that this is what's best for me. It would really mean a lot to me to know you respect my decision, and support my choice for a happy and healthy life.
I would confront her especially if you are going to see her on a regular basis. I'd give her a short, 4 sentence lecture.
"Aunt, my mother did x, y and z to me. I've had time to reflect on these incidents as an adult and have made a sober decision to have zero contact with my mother. Your opinion carries no weight. Do not bring it up again."
It is not a discussion, it is not a debate. It is a briefing. If she presses you on the matter, then reconsider your relationship with her as well.
Life is too short to have toxic people bringing you down.
Having come back to this (and seeing your update) I do think you should say something to your aunt.
You say you see her regularly and have an otherwise great relationship with her, so it's probably worth bringing up. If she pushes it further though and won't let it go, you may have to reconsider your relationship with her. Good Luck.