Military Nesties
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
New to this
I'm a Navy fiance .. or well soon will be. He goes to boot in Feb. And I'm looking for advice from anyone that has been through this, because to be honest I'm quite nervous. Is there any incites anyone is willing to share? ... i tried to post on here once before, and instead of getting answers i got judgments. so please if you dont have a helpful answer just leave this post alone. Im only looking for help through this transition
Re: New to this
I'd say basically the things others said in your last post. FInd some things to do to occupy your mind. Not all hobbies have to be expensive and branching out and trying new things might be what you need to get you through the weeks he is gone.
That's how I have made it through deployments. That and my amazing friends.
Hello! I will admit up front- I am an Airforce wife-but I get judged all the time so I hear you on that portion!
What I can say helped me when he left the first time was creating calenders and writing in for him exactly what I had done or was planning on doing. I know it sounds SUPER nutty but I was so used to him always knowing that it was weird that he did not. It also kind of helped me realize when I was clearly not doing anything so that is why the time was soo slow. So I would go do things that he would think were cool (and clearly I did too) but I had something exciting to talk to him about that I thought he may be slightly interested in too. Of course write the I love you's and I miss you's but I mean give the letters some beef so that you are still on the same page I guess.
Truth is- just having people to talk to who understand. I went through (and still kind of am) the phaze where everyone around has literally no idea what you are talking about. Don't take it personally- it will be hard not too- but unless you are in the moment you are in then it is hard to imagine the feeling I guess. Just like if someone loses a pet or something- we all knwo that is sad- but it feels so much worse when you are in that moment and everyone else can just move on after the conversation.
I know that probably did not help at all but I just wanted to write becuase I hate when people get all judmental so I wanted to give some friendly advice!
I have an incite, but you probably won't like it so I will withhold it.
Also, why did you come back here looking for advice if you think that we "obviously dont know much" on this board? If we're such a bunch of judgmental mean old ladies wouldn't you prefer to find a nicer and more helpful group of people somewhere else to talk to?
Sigh.
Despite some snark, you actually got good advice before. And for the record, the same people are likely to still be here, and will be the same ones responding, its doubtful you'll like our honesty any better than you did previously.
I dont really have any "incites" (sic) or insights to share with you that will be particularly ground-breaking. Dont rush marriage just because he's joining (or deploying, health care, pregnancy, etc). Find your own life, friends, hobbies, and purpose in life. Stay busy. Take everything they tell you with a grain of salt. Trust but verify. Get an education in whatever way is meaningful to you. Expand your horizons. Gain maturity. Dont be super defensive when you come and ask for opinions and then (gasp) get them- they wont always be what you wanted though (thats the internet). Read the FAQs that are in many people's signatures.
FFR (for future reference) the more defensive you get and more "you dont know my liiyyyyyffffeeeeee" the more people will pile on and gang up against you. But you dont get to approach a group of strangers, ask them questions, and then dictate how we answer. You get what you get. But we are smart, we have been there, and we have done that. We have many t-shirts.
ETA: FTR (for the record) while you might think we are mean, we aren't really. We're just direct and honest (with some snark here and there) overall, we are one of the nicest, puffiest, rainbowy board on the nest... so if you cant stay here, I'd advise against going on ML, RE, heII even MM....
I changed my name
I can't imagine that you really thought the same people who gave you mostly sincere and helpful advice last month wouldn't still be on the board, but okay.
My husband has been in the Army for 14 years now, and we've been married for 8 of those years, all of which is to say that I know of which I speak. You need your own life, your own hobbies, and an independent spirit if you're going to make this young marriage work. He will be gone for extended periods of time, and if you don't have these things in place before that happens it will be much harder for you than it needs to be. Go to school. Not bartending school, actual school. Community colleges are a great option, and you should qualify for in-state tuition wherever you move due to your status as a military spouse. Get a job or volunteer somewhere that interests you, make friends (don't just limit yourself to military spouses), and continue to work on developing yourself as a person outside of your marriage as well as within it. You are more than the sum total of your hisband's job.
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My replies were kind and polite, I think. However, I think that no matter who posts what you will find fault with it. Grow up a little. Perhaps hindsight will make you realize this board is a great, supportive one. Albeit one with a low BS threshold.
I didn't respond to your previous post the other day but I will now.
I am not in the military yet. I am actually leaving for Navy RTC in April while DH stays home with DS. Basically I would suggest waiting till he gets out of A School to get married. According to this you have to get the license one day and marry the next. That wont really work if he graduates on a friday. Most likely he wont get liberty that day till late and the offices will be closed and they will probably be closed on Saturday too.
Idk if you have checked out this website. It gives you more info about boot camp and what goes on during PIR and his liberty assuming he is not a grad n go. Grad n go is where they leave the night of PIR for their A school. I do not believe it is common to be grad n go but it is a possibility.
Some other websites / forums that might help you out are Navy for Moms, Navy Dads and Navy Cafe.
I can't remember where you said you lived again but if you need health insurance you should for sure check out state health insurance. I have AHCSSS. It is provided by the state. It is free for people under a certain income level which is usually pretty high. I think here it is you have to make under $2500 a month. And if you make more than that it is super cheap to buy every month.
Also your hobbies are pretty cool but since they are expensive maybe just try to find a few that are cheaper or free. Maybe things like working out or reading.
Hope this kind of helps you out.
LOL @ the mean old ladies comment. I remember when I thought late twenties was old. I got married then too. It was not my best idea.
thankyou
it is very helpful. i think ill look up ahcsss, i live in ny currently. i tried medicaid and a few private medical insurances and i was denied or couldnt afford it. this is all such a different reality than the one i use to live, talk about getting slapped in the face by life lol.
i talked to a few officers that told me about the grad and go. but its highly unlikely, he will more than likely have around 48 to 72 hours. and if it doesnt work out then we do have a back up plan. ill find out about two weeks before he graduates whether or not i will have the time and ill find out where hes going.
thankyou again!
No one has been "mean" to you. And if you think we have, then dang, you have a hard hard life ahead of you of the world being mean. For real, get over yourself and this victim mentality. I'm not quite sure what you want here. Is your idea of polite just to only give you positive feedback, and no constructive criticism? Because you won't find that here, and it's not really helpful to actual life anyway.
I thought I was very polite... I'm starting to not want to be though
I changed my name
As the Military Nesties board, we often see posts from young women asking for advice. Some listen and try to put the advice to use. Others want to be coddled and have their hand held. If you are in the second group, life as a military spouse is going to be difficult.
I have been an Army wife for over five years now. Two days after our wedding, the movers came to pack us for our move from Virginia to California (middle of *nowhere*, not LA or San Diego). When we got to DH's new post, we had time to find an apartment and have our household goods delivered and then DH was gone for five weeks of training in Georgia. I was left on my own. No friends, no job, just an apartment full of boxes.
We had trouble getting pregnant. We had to do IVF to get pregnant. Because of deployment orders, DH missed our son's very difficult delivery as well as his first nine months.
DH is in the process of getting orders to Germany. We will (likely) be moving in late February or early March. DH will be deploying, maybe even before our household goods are delivered. I will be on my own, with our two year old and our dog, in a country where I don't speak the language and don't (yet) know anybody local.
I'm not saying that my life is typical for a military family. For some people, what I've shared is nothing compared to what they've been through. For other military families, assignments have been good and deployments few and far between. You never know. You have to be prepared for anything.
How do you prepare for life as a mil spouse? You've got to be strong. You've got to be able to provide help, but also be able to graciously receive help. You need to be an equal plus partner for your DH. When he is out to sea, he has to *know* that you've got everything at home under control. He needs to be focused on his mission. As long as he is in the military, your marriage will always have a third party--the military. The Army tells my DH where to go, and we all follow. My DH's boss's boss wanted him to go "over there" for a couple of weeks next month, with the promise that DH would be home for Christmas. He asked DH to ask me what I thought. While not thrilled with the prospect, my response was "mission first". It would have made things even more difficult with our move in three months, but we'd have made it work. Fortunately, someone else was tasked with the trip.
Marriage can be difficult. Life as the trailing spouse gets hard. Go to school. Start at a local community college, get the basic classes under your belt. Then, look around your local military community at the types of jobs that are available for civilians, and head in a direction that you like, but will also provide future opportunities.
Sorry this got so long. But, insights into life as a military spouse aren't cute and quippy.