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Holidays and Family Complications. Blech
My ILs want to attend my family's Christmas Eve.
Every year, my small extended family has a Christmas Eve celebration with my 86-year old grandmother. This tradition has existed since before I was born. It starts early and ends early (approx. 6p.m. - 9p.m.). It's simple and casual. Buffet, gifts and chit chat. No alcohol though- my family does not drink- at all.
In past years, my cousins have invited their ILs and it has not worked out well. My grandmother, the family matriarch, felt uncomfortable and exhausted because she felt like these "outsiders" were guests she needed to entertain. The party is at her home where my aunt cares for her. Grandma would never turn anyone away that shows up at her door.
My very sweet ILs spend Christmas Eve alone. I guess that's what they've always done. Anyway, every year, they ask me if they can attend my family's Christmas Eve. They enjoy their wine, and lots of socialization. They are great to be around, but they would for sure take every ounce of energy from my grandmother. They also would not fit in with their wine, which they tote to every party.
I'm caught in the middle, here. WWYD?
Re: Holidays and Family Complications. Blech
Lord knows I've tried this explanation. I think my ILs take it personally that there exists a party which they are not invited to. I realize that I cannot take responsibility for their feelings- but every year from Thanksgiving to Xmas, they continuously grill me as to why they cannot be there. It makes for a long month. Very nice people, but a little pushy that way.
Also, we cannot go over after for wine w/them because DH and I both have to be up early. Thank you for the great suggestion though!
I get that they want to be around family for the holiday, but it's rude of them to invite themselves over. And even ruder of them to get mad at you when you say no.
I would just say, "It's not up to me since I'm not the hostess," and then don't explain or apologize beyond that. The more explanations you give (Grandma gets tired easily, it's family-only, etc.), the more they will try and wiggle around those rules (But we won't overstay our welcome, but the other in-laws were invited so we should be too, etc.). Simply say, "Sorry but Grandma sets the guest list and it's not my call." End of story.
Try to make alternate plans with them if you wish. If they say no, then drop it.
If they won't take no for an answer, then your husband needs to step up and tell them to knock it off.
What you say is, "I'm sorry; Grandma is old and has set rules on how she hosts this party, and I cannot invite people to her home, I'm not the host. But we'd love to see you at X time".
Charming and fun as your inlaws may be, they're rude to be angling for an invitation. Not a little rude, a lot. Don't feel bad; the answer is no.
Being from an extremely small family that's about to get smaller (it's just DH, myself and 2 adult children, and a baby on the way...one about to get married to a huge family and has been spending the last 2 years worth of every family holiday with them) I can see where one would like to be included...particularly if it's their child who is off at the other family's shin-dings. They know our situation...and we've never been included. This year, I'm actually sitting alone in the house as DH has to work (his schedule is that they are on a 5 year rotation...so he's been working and missing holidays). It would have been nice if they would have invited me along, too.
I don't drink, but if I did and it meant that I had family to celebrate with, I'd certainly abstain from alcohol. Too, though, if they don't know your family that's going to place the burden on your grandmother. One of my resolutions for the New Year would be to host a variety of family activities that would include your IL and your grandmother so that they were not strangers/intruders to one another this time next year. Or start hosting Thanksgiving and/or Christmas at your home so that all family members are involved. Or skip your tradition and join them. Honestly, that the ILs aren't throwing something at a competitive time and making a stink that way, gives them a pass on asking if they could be included in my book. I don't think it is rude under the circumstances.
At face value, I agree w/ mbc and sue_sue. This is your grandmothers party and she sets the guest list. Your IL's are rude to push this every year. This isn't YOUR party to invite them to. And you've gotten good advice on what to say.
But - I also see Chavay's point. We're a very small family too and I know one day DH and I will probably be in that same situation - spending a holiday alone. It would be really nice if other people would open their home to us to include us.
Do you NEVER spend Christmas Eve w/ them, because of this "long standing" tradition w/ your grandmother? ANd.... how long has she been pulling the "I'm old and exhausted" card?
To a degree, it is crappy that your grandmother can't be more inclusive. But- that's not your place to force and your IL's are still rude to push this every year.
HOwever, if you never spend that night w/ them, maybe it's time to mix things up and do that. Your grandmother and family will survive if you aren't there.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Are you going to see them on Christmas day or will they have other people to send the day with? If so, there is no reason to feel sorry that they are "spending Christmad eve alone." They'll see people the very next day - part of the same holiday. And they are not even alone - they'll have each other.
I would not invite them and not feel guilty at all. If they want to be surrounded by people on Christmas eve, they can head to a church!
You've explained the situation once and I get it.
What's so mystifying that they have to keep asking you, over and over?
It's time to stop being such a push over and say something along the lines of "We talk about this every year, nothing has changed, you must realize this makes me uncomfortable. Why do you keep asking?"
I disagree with Chavay who thinks the ILs aren't being rude. Regardless of the circumstances to continually badger someone to be invited anywhere is rude. To want you to include them in your side of the family's tradition becomes rude when they have been told no in the past. It puts you in an awkward position and will continue to every year unless you or your DH put an end to it.
I don't see where she has to change her family's tradition to accommodate the ILs if they see them other times. I'd more than likely follow SueSue or livinitup's advice.
Actually, I think your husband is the one who should be saying this. Why isn't he?
Honestly, I think it's strange and a little tacky that your IL's invited themselves (or asked to be invited) to your family's Christmas Eve. If they ask about it again, I would just politely reply it's not your party/get together to invite people to. It will probably hurt their feelings, but that's why you don't ask to be invited to things. They really put you in an awkward situation. Sorry you have to deal with that!
I think your ILs are being completely rude and out of line on this. They have asked (odd in itself to invite themselves to another family's traditional gathering) and been told that it isn't the kind of event others come to. It isn't a "the more the merrier" type of thing. And, that should be FINE.
The fact that they ask over and over to the point that the entire month between Thanksgiving and Christmas each year is uncomfortable for you is crazy. WHY has your H not taken them aside and told them to stop asking?
It isn't just that outsiders change the vibe and stress your grandmother out--no alcohol is served and it sounds like they would insist on bringing alcohol!
If they can't stand to be alone on Christmas Eve there are tons of things they can do. There are all kinds of events going on at churches. There are caroling groups that go door to door. There's probably other stuff too but that is what comes to mind.
To be honest, the fact that they will not let this go makes them sound less nice than you say they are. And, again, why is your H not addressing this with them?
How about...
Dear MIL and FIL, No, you may not crash an 86 year old woman's family gathering. It's not a "party" like you're thinking. I am not hosting. It's a bunch of relatives sitting around gossiping for a couple hours.
.... And hey, if you're feeling really generous, you could offer to stop by after leaving grandmas.
How you handle this depends a lot on how you see your Christmas Eve evolving over time. Your grandmother is at an age where she won't be hosting for too many more years. It's time to think about how you want your Xmas Eves for the next 20 or so years to look.
Do you see yourself hosting a gathering in your own home? Then start gently with carols and wassail punch at your house after grandmas, including your inlaws and any relatives with pep remaining after the first gathering.Yes, you are tired and have to get up early, but if you lay the groundwork now, everyone will view you as the default after your grandmother stops hosting.
Do you see yourself celebrating at your inlaws'? Then offer to drop by after your grandmother's gathering.
Do you see yourself moving to a gathering at your parents' house? Talk to them about it and start moving in that direction, including the inlaws if at all possible.
ETA: One more thought: find out if it's really your Grandmother who is exhausted and overwhelmed by strangers. It may be that it is actually the caretaking aunt who is exhausted! Can you find a way to help her out (bring food? help set up?) Since your cousins are already bringing their ILs, it may not be that much trouble to add two more.Your grandmother might feel pretty darn proud of being 86 and the doyenne of an ever-widening event; my own Grandmother grooved on exactly this while hosting through her early 90s. I'd brief the ILs very thoroughly about its being a DRY party though.
If it is not your party to invite people to then I would not worry. Based on your post I presume that your cousins' inlaws no longer attend and it is just an immediate family thing. You can tell ILs "Sorry, I'm not able to invite/bring extra guests". Then be done with it. If they bring it up again then DH needs to tell ILs this conversation is over and not talk about it again. If they bring it up change the subject, end the phone call, leave the room, whatever works for your family. Your DH should be the one telling his parents that pestering you two is not cool and is not going to fly - then enforce the boundary.
My MIL is the persistent type so I'm familiar with the drill- right now it's "you vacationed with GreenMonkey's family last year so when this year are you going to vacation with us?". At the beginning DH said "we're not planning a big vacation for this year" and we thought we were done. Until recent holiday planning (who is spending what day where) and MIL asks DH "do you want money for Christmas or just for FIL and I to pay for your portion of the family vacation". D'oh! There will clearly be another conversation and at some point it will go poorly (MIL will cry, try to guilt DH, yell, whatever), but it has to happen as MIL cannot think that badgering us is ok.
One thing to think about - do you always spend Christmas Eve with your folks and Christmas Day with the ILs? Maybe you could switch it up every so often so it is not always your side of the family "choosing" who gets what day for the holiday. I know that would make you miss the tradition, but in my experience, marriage means compromise and new traditions (especially as it relates to holidays).
1. They are rude
2. It is not crappy of your grandmother to not invite them THEY ARE NOT FAMILY. Good lord. Their son may be married to you ... but he is not married to everyone else on your side of the family.
3. Sally and John ... please do not ask me about my family's holiday events/parties again. These events are for my side of the family and are not for non-family members. Have a nice night.
"Not my house, Not my decision to make".
If you have a decent relationship with your IL's, maybe next time offer to host a thing at your place, so all of your families can be together. That way your Grandma/Aunt don't need to do the work and can just enjoy spending what little time G-ma has left with the family....not cooking/cleaning.
This year, you go to your family's get-together at your grandmother's house, and your DH goes to his parents' house, picks them up and spends the evening taking them to dinner, etc.
Being married doesn't mean being connected at the hip.
And wanting to spend the holidays with your spouse doesn't mean you're connected at the hip, either.