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Never had an orgasm. By 'never' I mean NEVER.
And I would like a pity party. Anyone?
Ok fine, pity party not necessary. But actually, I've scoured the boards looking for similar concerns, and all I find are the occasional "I've never had an orgasm from sex" or "I've never had an orgasm b/c I'm too scared to touch myself."
To cover all the bases:
I've been sexually active (with partners and solo) for over a decade. I have no reservations with exploring my body. I have 3 different vibrators. My husband recently bought me a new fancy rabbit vibrator (which is wonderful, but same results). I've asked my OBGYN about it, and she basically said to buy some erotic literature and have fun with a dildo. Well, I've done that too. Nada.
I'd just like to know that I'm not the only person out there who is anorgasmic. I've never met anyone irl with this problem. It's a lonely club. Or, is there anyone who USED to be anorgasmic but overcame it? I'd love to hear how that transition happened.
Thanks!
Re: Never had an orgasm. By 'never' I mean NEVER.
you are not alone
i've been sexually active for about 10 years (with one partner, my husband). i've tried oral stimulation...nothing.
i've tried fingers/hands and vibrators (by myself and with my husband)..nothing.
well, i have used a vibrator before and felt an intense sensation, but after a few seconds (seriously, it was only like 20 seconds) i peed (not much, but i'm sure it was urine)...lol! i'm pretty sure it wasn't an orgasm b/c based on what i've heard about orgasms, this wasn't it...it didn't feel good, just weird.
at this point, i've tried to stop focusing so much on the orgasm and instead, try to enjoy the other stuff in hopes that my relaxed approach will eventually help lead me to an orgasm
Ok...what do you feel during sex? when you masturbate? when you use a vibrator?
Do you feel a tingle? Do you feel like you are moving towards an orgasm and then you plateau? Or do you just not get going at all? Do you get wet during foreplay? Do you get mentally distracted? Or is it that you just feel numb at a certain point?
What is your sex drive like?
Has your doctor run a full hormonal panel on you? An imbalance may cause you to experience difficulty orgasming.
Have you tried to relax before exploring with either alcohol or marijuana? Some people swear by intoxicants to take away a bit of inhibition.
I don't know if this will make you feel better or worse, but I read an article several years ago where researchers had discovered a genetic sequence that was related to orgasm in women. Women who did not have this sequence were unable to achieve orgasm. Women with only part of the sequence often had trouble achieving orgasm.
So there may not bemuch you can do about it.
@zzyzx - thanks, that actually makes me feel a lot better.
@dirtyred - so that would make it hereditary, right? I guess I should just call my mom and ask her if she orgasms. thanks for the tip.
@DaringMiss to respond to your questions:
There are rare times when it feels really good, and as if I were moving towards an orgasm, and then one of two things happens: either it starts to hurt from being oversensitive, or the good feeling simply goes away (plateau). (I should add, when I do become oversensitive, backing off from the clitoris but continuing in other areas doesn't lead anywhere: plateau ensues.) I do get wet during foreplay. The way I explain it to my H is as follows:
"You know how you feel around the time you say "I'm gonna come", and then 10 seconds later you do? Well I get to the "I'm gonna come" stage, and then 10 seconds later, "It's possible that I'll come" and then 10 seconds later, "Keep going, it could happen" and 10 seconds later, "Yea, clearly not gonna happen."
My sex drive has been excellent for the past year and a half. I used to be on the pill, which definitely lowered my drive, but since going off that I've noticed a huge improvement.
If a full hormonal panel is different from regular blood work, then no, I haven't had that done. I did recently have a bunch of blood work done, and thyroid was all good, if that counts.
And I've definitely incorporated alcohol into the process (fun, but less likely to feel an approach to orgasm) and when I was younger, frequently got high to masturbate. (No longer doing that).
Thanks for the comments, I appreciate all input!
/novel
There is this amazing product you could try that is sold by passion party consultants. It is: PURE SATISFACTION UNISEX ENHANCEMENT GEL. It is cold at first but then you are ready to go after about 30 minutes. I highly recommend this and if you haven't tried it, you definitely should. If you don't have a passion party consultant near you I think you can order it online. Here is the website of my consultant:
http://www1.passionparties.com/CAP/Public/en/USA/CatSubItems.wcp?&SubID=ROMANTATHERAPY&CatID=PRODUCTS
They also have tons of great products if you are interested.
Hope this helps!
@NB - I've never taken any antidepressants, so it can't be that. But thanks for the suggestion.
@schyblue91 - your post looks suspiciously like spam.
The first one was actually while then-BF (now H,
) and I were dry-humping, clothes on. I just suddenly had this intense, almost frightening sensation (he has commented that I did actually look scared) and kind of tensed up all over. He even asked at the time if I 'came' and I didn't even understand the question--so naive, lol.
Now that I'm more aware of my body, I can actually feel the twitching of the muscles inside my vagina during an O. Before I was aware of that, I mainly felt a loss of control over my body and... well, this is why it's hard to describe. I mean, every other thought just tends to fizzle.
Warning: This is long.
I had your exact problem when I first started having sex. Things felt nice, I was into it, but no joy. (First BF was an @ss and bad in bed too) I knew I liked sex, but couldn't figure out how to get to an orgasm.
This isn't going to help you, but I ended up having my first orgasm during the *WORST* sex ever. BF was pounding away on me, I just wanted it over and I just started to clench my kegel muscles, hoping it would bring him to orgasm. After a couple of minutes, I felt this amazing build and wham, the orgasm hit.
I am not telling you this so that you can duplicate the incredibly bad sex I had, but to set up the following: once I knew what an orgasm felt like, I realized that I had been well on my way to one many times, but didn't know how to recognize the destination. Once I knew where I was going, I was able to get there (and recognize when I was in the neighborhood and keep going if I was close).
So, how to get you your first orgasm?
I personally don't like vibrators. I find the sensation way too intense, so I am a manual girl. I also like written erotica and certain kinds of porn, so when I want to take care of myself, I know where to go for inspiration. Sit down for a bit and figure out what gets your motor going. Is there a visual or mental combo that makes you hot? Think about it for a while, then try to find some erotica in that vein. Sit down and read it/watch it and enjoy the tingle. Find a video or story that really seems to make your BRAIN feel aroused. Don't bring in your genitals, just let your mind be turned on.
Now, here is my big advice: Stop trying to have an orgasm. Take it off the table for the next two months. Tell your boyfriend that you aren't going to try to have one for the next 6-8 weeks. Foreplay yes, but no strong attempts at orgasm. Take the pressure off. Make it ok to not be reaching for it. After a couple of weeks of not attempting to have an orgasm, try less mechanical methods: fingers, tub water spout - but just for 5 minutes. Set a timer. Just let your body be turned on but limit the time. In a couple more weeks, give yourself more time - 7 minutes, 8 minutes, but keep a limit. Literally tease yourself.
As the sensation builds, ride it, even when it plateaus. I am suggesting that you avoid vibrators (but if you like dildos or other insertion toys, keep them in the mix) because of the potential for overload. Just do whatever is making you feel good at whatever intensity works. If you start to lose the sensation, try a new erotic stimulus. But be willing to keep going through the plateau (unless it doesn't feel good) and see where you get.
Good luck!
I had the same problem, right down to it suddenly getting painful as it was starting to feel nice. Tried all kinds of stuff, no real success. I had kind of just accepted it wasn't going to happen for me after 10+ years of sexual activity.
However- and this "advice" may or may not be helpful for you- after I had my son, I swear my body "reset" somehow. Immediately after he was born I didn't feel like having sex at all for several months, but once my sex drive returned.... it worked. Just like that. I was blown away and thought it must be a fluke. But I haven't had that problem again.
I watched a show on the discovery channel a few weeks ago called "curiosity". The episode was titled "why is sex fun?" It mainly focused on the female orgasm and had doctors revealing new info. At one point in the show they explored how some women can never reach orgasm, and they interviewed a doctor who accidentally "cured" a women. I dont remember what his official title was but he specialized in pain management. He helped his patients deal with chronic pain by implanting a wire in their back that (i think) connected to their spinal column. At the other end of the wire was a small device that would send small electrical signals to the spine to negate the electrical "pain" signals being sent to their brains. During one of his procedures he accidentally caused a woman to orgasm for the first time. he was trying to "line" the wire up correctly - testing different areas to make sure it was going to cure her pain and accidentally hit a spot connected to her genitals. He discovered that some women who cannot "O"may have an opposite type of effect which he can cure with the same "anti-pain" device. I don't know if that could help but since it is a new type of procedure im sure there isn't that much awareness.
Here is a link to the discovery channel website:
http://curiosity.discovery.com/topic/neuroscience/why-is-sex-fun-episode.htm
Hope this helps! Good luck!!
Thanks for everyone's comments! I appreciate all wisdom and advice. You guys have some good stories in there too.
@MarynJoe - I've actually read several books on the female orgasm, including "Orgasms: How to Give Them, Have Them, and Keep Them Coming" by Lou Paget. (I even did what it says!) Great book - No results, though.
And as for 'taking it off the table,' it's been off the table for most of my life. It's not something I normally think about, just once in a blue moon I'll remember that, 'hey! the rest of the world gets to have orgasms, why can't I?' And then I'll be frustrated for a couple of days, and then I'll forget about it for months.I was sexually active at a young age (young for me anyways) and it started all when a guy fingering me.. I had never touched myself or anything like that. I fooled around with this guy, and a few after.. I always thought it was fun, but nothing that I wanted to 'scream' or 'moan' about. I finally had sex and I thought it would change, that I would feel something totally different..... nope. Nothing, so I did the worst thing ever and faked it. this turned into a 3 year relationship, and 3 years of me faking it. When we broke up I was almost 18 and I got a new boyfriend, he was much much older than me, the first time things got really hot and heavy with me and stopped and moved away from me. He told me he wanted to watch the first time.. I told him I had never touched myself or had an orgasm before in my life. He was shocked but understanding he told me to just do what I wished other people did to me.. I tried, and it did feel good, it felt tingly, but not orgasmic. We tried together for a very long time. He was a great partner and really wanted me to reach an orgasm.
Finally one day he said he wanted to try something with me, and I agreed. He put an ice cube in his mouth and held it against my clit until it was completely numb, Then we both fingered my clit together rapidly as the feeling came back from being cold and numb, and by the end.... BAM! It worked. I will say that an orgasm is not the MINDBLOWING experience that you see in porn every time, sometime my orgasms last 3 seconds, sometimes 3 minutes. But after the first one, now i can reach an orgasm from clitoral stimulation!
Likewise. And not for lack of trying (much like you described).