Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
VENT: family.
I could scream. Or cry. No, wait, I just did cry. And yes, this is the same vent as last time they were here. And likely the time before. I don't know how to break the pattern.
I am tired of my family (dad and brother) coming over each and everytime and leaving me to do EVERYTHING around the house. As in make ALL the food, clear the table, clean up after their messes and do all the dishes (without a dishwasher...long story about that), all while watching a one year old. Don't get me wrong, they play with him here and there, but it's always me who has to know where Adrian is, as no one follows him as he wanders. I did all of Thanksgiving yesterday (except DH did turkey), including make waffles for breakfast and multiple desserts to please three different people and cleaning it all up. Today while the baby was napping, I made 4 loaves of bread (which they wanted for turkey sandwiches and such) and cleaned up their mess they left from the morning. All of this by myself. I finally get the baby asleep tonight and come downstairs to everyone relaxing with everything we just ate still on the table. I suggest they could do the dishes. My brother says that he likes to relax at night and he'll do them in the morning. Which I know him well enough that it won't happen. And that's not how it works at MY house (which I think even though they're family...it's MY house and I should get a little help when I ask...and I don't leave the house a mess for the next day mess to accumulate). My dad just slipped upstairs to avoid my tears. I just feel so defeated that I always doing everything and when I finally ask for help, no one bothers to help me. DH would have helped me, but he's at work. It's not like my dad and brother have done nothing, they stacked some wood today and closed the chicken coop door (yes, my brother counted that as helping). It's just where they feel like being handy rather than helping ME. I am just SO thankful that I didn't marry a type like my dad or brother....DH is definitely not the type of guy who sits back and lets the woman of the house do the work. That's totally how I grew up...which stinks...because when my mom got sick when I was 10, it was ME who gradually ended up with those responsibilities and ended up doing all the house work and cooking from age 12 and on. I begged for help then, and am still begging today. I don't know if I should keep trying and keep getting upset or just expect to do everything myself.
Okay, thank you so much for letting me vent. I feel better now. Wish DH was here so I could have a big hug...
Re: VENT: family.
(hugs)
Maybe next year you should make dinner reservations somewhere for Thanksgiving. For breakfast, leave out a box of cereal. Buy loaves of bread from the grocery store. Save the good stuff (homemade waffles and bread, etc.) for you and DH when your family isn't around stressing you out.
This is exactly what I was thinking too! If you know they are not going to help around the house, why put even more stress on yourself to make everything home made or going the extra mile to please everyone by making 3 separate desserts? They obviously don't appreciate it and it seems like it's just stressing you out more than anything. If they wanted bread for sandwiches for leftovers for example and there was none in the house, tell them to go to the store and buy some themselves or... if everyone wants a different dessert, how about making one thing yourself and telling the others if they want different options they are welcome to purchase or make a dessert to contribute for dinner?
I always try to remember (easier said than done) that I can't control others' actions and behavior, only my own. So if I see a pattern I don't like, it's up to me to change MY actions so that I can be happy with the outcome.
If you don't like the way they act, don't give them the opportunity to walk all over you. (Because they are being jerks- I wouldn't be in tears, I'd be in a rage if I were you!) I would do paper plates, store bought bread, not step in when they lay around, etc. OR... just don't invite them for Thanksgiving. I know that's harsh and you probably want to see your family, but if this happens over and over, you just aren't going to be able to enjoy the time with YOUR family, YOUR little boy. Not to mention its no model to set for Adrian. (I know you don't normally set that type of example in your house, so why let special occasions be an exception, you know?)
I'm sorry your holiday was less than stellar.
Here's my thought on that... F bargaining. It's your house. You run the holiday how you want. By trying to bargain and barter and beg, you are still in the weaker position, which still gives them the opportunity to be in control and wreck things. Maybe you don't mean bargaining so much as showing consequences. In which case, go right ahead and serve a meal with something below your standard (like store bought bread) and say "I don't have time to go everything if you guys aren't going to help when I asked. So no homemade bread, sorry." That would be better than begging.
My dad joked last night that fish and guests are the same in that they both start to stink after 3 days. A week is a longass time, especially for less than perfect guests! I LOVE having my family here, but them arriving Wed midmorning and leaving Saturday morning is the perfect amount of time- AND they are super helpful and always stepping up to help everywhere.
I'm not trying to be a crank here.
I think you just put so much care into everything you do to let other people treat you poorly. You deserve a wonderful holiday with just average holiday stress- not the whole heaping helping!
Normally when my family visits they'll stay for 3 nights or so. I'll normally cook dinner 2 nights and they'll take us out to dinner 1 night. Lunches will usually consist of my parents getting takeout for us because we usually try and get out of the house and take them places around Maine. I'll normally make a big breakfast one day and the other days I'll tell them to help themselves to cereal, bagels, toast or whatever we have in the kitchen. If they were here for a week Id probably cook more dinners, but still only do one big breakfast. They could deal with cereal or toast. If there were spending a lot of time here at the house for lunches, I'd just get some chips and lunch meat and tell them to help themselves to making a sandwich for lunch.
Good for you!!