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@ Sex after baby
How long after having your baby did you start having sex again?
We haven't done it in months. DH thought it was "weird" to do it when the baby was in there. At least that's what he said. I felt like the real reason was he found me repulsive. I told him so. He still said no.
Im now 5+ weeks postpartum. He is still saying no. He says he's too tired. I feel like its still me and my body grossing him out. I'm starting to worry we will never do it again.
This makes me feel terrible about myself. Sometimes I think it's not so bad, I don't need sex to feel fulfilled and loved (not that he shows his love any other way) and I try to convince myself that being a mom and having the love of my LO is enough for me. Now is not one of those times. I feel like crap. I told DH so. I was crying. He said he was too tired, and went to bed without another word.
TBH, I'm starting to think this marriage is not going to work.
Re: @ Sex after baby
Oh mrsbini, I am so sorry
One thing to remember is these first few weeks, months, are so tiring and so stressful and everything is changing and your life changes and you just have to figure out how to combine your old life with your new life.
Is it possible that there is some cultural stuff going on with him, as to why he didn't want to have sex while you were pregnant? I would find a time to talk to him when it isn't near bedtime, when he can't back out of the conversation because he is too tired, and put it all out there.
Hugs, I know how difficult newborn days are.
This.
I think you've posted a couple times about stuff like this and it seems like your DH is not a great communicator. He tends to shut down and deal with things by not talking to you and cutting you off. That is not a good thing, but it is a fixable thing. There is a fairly large cultural gap as well, as fricb mentioned, which could be part of both the sex and the communication issue. I'm sure you are already aware of that, but that doesn't make it not frustrating.
Between trying to make Saudi Arabia work (if I remember correctly, it didn't work out, hence the move to the US), immigration, money and jobs, a huge upheaval for him culturally, and an unexpected baby; you guys have been under a huge amount of stress since the moment you got back together. Sending vibes your way that things get easier!
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It took a while. Between being sore, tired, drained, and all the adjustment, we took almost two months after baby being born.
It was months for us, I went back in for my post partum check at 6 weeks and they said I had to wait a few more week, that was music to my ears, I was tired, sore, huge boobs and I was one of those women that just wanted to rip my DH's head off each time he looked at me the wrong way! (Don't worry that gets better!)
I would make a bet that it is a combination of cultural and exhaustion, maybe don't bring it up for a while and try again later, if it is still a no go then try and talk about it during the day.
Best of luck!
First of all, those first few months after a kid comes along are hard on most marriages. However, it might be worth it to talk to your doctor about your feelings (especially that you're not sure if your marriage will work). One of the women on my month board posted on TIP a few months after her DD came, and they were all like "Why are you still with this man?" "Divorce him and don't look back!" based on her description of the situation. A few weeks later she found out she had post partum anxiety (PPA), went on medication, and everything went back to normal.
Now I'm not saying that how your DH is dealing with your feelings is ok, but it's possible that your hormones are contributing to the way you're processing and interpreting the situation. I'd say it's worth it to at least mention it to your doctor. As some of the women on my month board have said, PPA and PPD can take on some strange forms sometimes.
To the original question - you should definitely wait until your dr gives you the ok. At your PP appointment, s/he'll check to make sure your c/s scar is healing properly as well as make sure they got out all the placenta. It's important to wait for that ok because if things aren't healing ok, you could end up getting an infection. So wait for your dr's appt. We got the ok at 6 weeks, DTD at 7 weeks and couldn't finish because it hurt so badly for me (I was still pumping, which can make things worse). A couple weeks later we tried again and it was better, and from there kept improving.
Your DH might be having problems thinking of you as both a mom and a sexual being. I don't know how to resolve that, but if he's willing to listen (even if not to talk), then maybe you could try to tell him again how that makes you feel and that you still want him?
Thought some more. We also had to set aside time for each other as spouses. Not "the baby's asleep, we can manage to stay awake five more minutes, let's go!". But real time together. Talking about what was wonderful and not so wonderful about having a newborn in our lives. Just be together. Converse about normal things. Be silly together. We had to have some time with the things that connected us before the baby, or sex, came along.
You have gotten some really good advice from the girls here. I will also echo to examine your own feelings, take some time for yourself (super important!), let the doctor know, and take lots of deep breaths.
6 months, I think. It was a long time. I was scared.
MrsBini, I agree with frlcb, talk to your H when it's not bedtime. Did your doctor give you the OK for sex? I thought it was usually 6 weeks anyway.
I agree with pp's who have said that at 5 weeks pp you are still in such a HUGE transition. You and your DH both. Medically I was advised not to have sex until after my 6 week check-up anyway so maybe give yourself some time! Also, do make sure to mention all your feelings to your practitioner when you see her/him because like others mentioned anxiety/depression is a very real part of the adjustment of hormones/life changes for many new mothers! No need to face that alone if even a little bit of that is happening!
As for the sex/love/intimacy bit, I can see how hard this must be for you to face rejection. But try not to think of it that way. DH isn't communcating well, which can allow the mind to run wildly to all the most upsetting conclusions. It's possible though that the answer is simpler and less upsetting than you think. Maybe he is feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, etc and having a hard time dealing with it. Maybe he is experiencing a bit of depression (think of ALL the life changes you two have faced in the last 2 years in terms of moving, immigration concerns, baby, finding jobs, etc) and that can effect anyone's libido.
Is there another way you can try and connect that he might be more receptive to but that will also help you feel the love/nuturing you need? I night with no TV, no computers, just some wine and maybe a game of cards and chatting? Or a favorite movie and a cuddle with no other distractions? I know that sounds lame (we do those kinds of things all the time, but I'm fine with being lame) but they really do help me feel connected or loved or just give me that emotional/physical connection with someone that sex can also give in a different way. Does any of that make sense!
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Thanks girls. I know a lot of you think my DH is an insensitive jerk, and right now I agree, but we promised to be together forever and I intend to do everything I can to keep that promise. Most of the time though I do not feel that he loves me, at all, and that's really hard for me.
As far as talking to him about it, I try. It ends in a fight 100% of the time, mostly because he refuses to discuss it beyond "I'm tired."
I do know I'm supposed to wait for the OK from my doc. I should have that early next week. But I feel physically fine, no more pain, and I had a c/s so my "lady parts" aren't really sore or anything. And I go back to work a week from Monday. It's not like it's going to get easier to find the time, either for sex or talking about sex.
He isn't the worst guy in the world. Last night he brought me home my favorite ice cream just because. Now in reality that's going to make me fat and less desirable...but he meant well.
I have found we do better when I'm not trying to control him. I do tend to do that and he (and most men) hate it. Maybe I'm being too controlling here and I should just wait for him to initiate it on his own. It's been so long though that I'm getting very impatient and worrying he really will never want to have sex with me again.
And seriously, what healthy 27 year old man doesn't want sex? How disgusting must I be that he's willing to go without for so long?
Sorry, this is kind of rambling, it's not even 5am here and I think I need to go back to sleep!
Hello!
I just want to send you some vibes. I hope that everything works out. It seems that you and DH have gone through a lot of life changes in such a short period of time. It seems that you both need to work on communicating but I wouldnt make any rash decisions until you are 100% sure what you want to do.
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We waited a long time - maybe 4 months, I had too much pain and was scared. We did have sex constantly during pregnancy though.
I agree with the others that you need to talk with him. What about just cuddling while watching a movie or massage? Then at least there is some intimacy. Work back into sex slowly.
I also agree that you both have had major life changes in the past year or so, everyone handles stress differently, maybe that's why he isn't interested right now?
It can be hard to get back into the role of husband and wife and not just mom and dad once a baby is in the mix.
Could your parents watch N one evening or even while you two go out on a date night?
We waited 5 1/2 weeks before we had sex, and it was painful. It took us months to try again. Sex is still infrequent, but it does get better. You just need to set some time aside for each other, not in the parenting role, but as husband and wife. Have someone watch the baby for a couple of hours and go see a movie. Go for a walk and just talk like you used to. I promise it does get better.
DH and I had a lot of the same issues that you and your H are facing. He was always moody, shut down when I wanted to discuss something, never wanted sex when I was pregnant because he thought it was weird. We went 7 months without sex, and then another three months after my sugery. I get how that can and does make you feel like he doesn't want you. Talk to him when he's not tired. It does make all the difference in the world when you do finally communicate.
I think you should also speak to your doctor about how you're feeling. Depression in any form is a horrible thing to face, even more so when there's a new baby who needs all of your attention.
If you ever need to talk, pm me. Hugs to you. xxxx
When I had my kids a million years ago I know I waited more than 6 weeks after giving birth because I had stitches both times and needed to wait until after my pp exams to get the go ahead and I do remember it hurting, but not having had a vaginal delivery you probably won't have pain to deal with.
But like the others have said there could be a million reasons why your Dh is not ready to have sex yet at 5 weeks pp or even during your pregnancy that don't have a thing to do with not wanting you. It could be that he is worried about hurting you physically.Or he could genuinely be tired.
Could he still be experiencing culture shock and having trouble adjusting to being in the US? You guys have been through a lot in a really short period of time, between getting married, his immigration and adjustment and then a new baby. If I remember right you posted before with concerns that he may be depressed. All of this could be playing a role in your situation.
I would recommend not worrying about sex for the near future and just concentrate on trying to reconnect emotionally - snuggling, light (or heavy) petting, talking about any and everything, and just trying to find a little joy in each other.
Adjusting to being a parent is rough in the best of circumstances and all the changes you folks have experienced make your circumstances less than ideal. The sex will come if the rest is in place. Don't give up just yet. *hugs*
And one more thing I don't think I saw mentioned. He could be worried about making you pregnant again. A very legitimate reason for him not to want to have sex right now.
Also, contrary to stereotype just because he is a young healthy male does not mean he wants to have sex at the drop of a hat. Most men, like most women, are able to control their libidos and emotions play a role too.
I think Enid said it all. Something could be going on with him making him feel off and it's SO easy for you to take it as rejection. My DH did something similar, for our first year in SA he just was not into sex. We talked about it (fought) but nothing I said could force him into it. Since your body is going through so many changes, it's really easy to chalk it up to that, but I'm sure it's about him and not you or your body. My body wasn't changing at all and I still felt incredibly rejected and crappy.
No matter what excuse your DH is giving you, it's something he's going through. When he says he's too tired, try to feel sympathetic instead of angry (easier said than done, I know) and try to push affection and quality time together. Men have to feel good about themselves in order to have sex. Maybe he's not happy with his new job. Maybe he's worried about being a father. Maybe he wants to provide more. Any of those could have major effects.
As for what you're dealing with now, you've gotten a lot of good advice. Next time you go to your doctor, if it isn't brought up, you should ask when its okay for you to start again. Also bring up your concerns. You two have gone through so much in the past year, and now you two need a new routine with minibini. As life starts to settle, things may get easier for you and your DH.
I suggest reading "And Baby Makes Three" it?s an awesome book and it has some great couples exercises, and just really good advice. It?s hard being a parent, and it?s hard making the change from being just a couple and then suddenly being a family. And on top of all of that, you?ve both had a whole lot of to deal with.
I imagine that it must be pretty hard for him not to have the job he would like to have, and to have to rely on you to support the family. As for his showing his love, I?ve discovered that some guys are just not good at it, but the fact that he brought you some ice cream sounds pretty good. Sure, you might not want the extra calories, but he thought you?d enjoy having some so he brought it home for you. And a ice cream in moderation will not make you fat or less desirable.
Hugs.
Firstly I don't think everyone thinks your DH is the worst. They all have their moments, and both of you are going through a lot.
Second, this expectation that you have that 27 year old man would constantly want sex any time it is offered is a totally false social construct. Men have libidos that ebb and flow like anyone. Women have high sex drives too, it's not always a man wanting it more. Your attractiveness is, mostly likely, your own insecurity (which we all have at times of course) and his issues are probably more complex than that. Give it time. Hang in there.
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For DH and I was soon after the doctor cleared me. So maybe 7 weeks after giving birth. But we didn't have sex at all during the time I was pregnant. I was so worried about losing the baby.
First, stop being down on yourself. You are not disgusting.
Second, I don't think anything bad about your husband. I don't know enough about you or him to judge.
I think honestly other posters have posted exactly what I wanted to say; culture differences, distance from home and family, new roles and stresses that come with all that can change a couples dynamic. Everyone who has experienced a new child coming into their lives will tell you that it changed them and their dynamic. Allow your family to ebb and flow. And believe me I know this is a lot easier to type than to actually do.
Relax from trying to make the moment happen. Allow him to get comfortable in a new role as a father. Its very hard for them too. Think about it this way; its easy for the mom (its not but for the sake of arguement), the male/ father role; they have no boobies to feed the baby. The baby wants the momma who feeds them, knows them and they know you. As a male you could feel very unwanted. The last thing this person is thinking is 'when can I have sexy times with my wife'. It has nothing to do with you or your body type.
It will get better! (HUGS)
Not true. I think you're going through a rough patch after having a baby which, based on my own experience and what I know from others, is perfectly normal. I also get the same feeling from most of the other responses.
Again, wait for the ok because of your c/s. If the incision isn't healing properly (which you wouldn't necessarily know), you can get an infection. It's a small chance, but it exists.
I'm going to repeat - please talk to your doctor about your feelings. It sounds like you're really down on yourself, and while of course your body changed because of the pregnancy, I highly doubt that you're as fat and disgusting as you think you are right now. I'm not a doctor and don't know you other than on the internet, but if you were my friend IRL I'd be urging you to specifically ask your doctor about PPD.
Just to clarify, I do see a psychiatrist and take meds for depression and have for years. I also have been very overweight for many years and while I've actually lost 30 lbs since pre-pregnancy, I assure you I am still a good 80 pounds over a "healthy weight." It's not like I used to be super confident and suddenly am not. I have always been very insecure.
When DH and I were dating we had sex constantly. Like several times a day every day. It never, ever would have crossed my mind that I'd someday be wondering why we hadn't done it in over 6 months. Considering my body really didn't change that much due to pregnancy, I'm kind of reluctant to say oh, I just need to adjust to all the changes in my body...ya know?
I guess what I'm saying is emotionally and physically I'm not in great shape. But I never have been (not for 10+ years at least). So I don't really get why my H doesn't want me anymore. What did I do wrong?
Please talk to your psychiatrist about this. You have done nothing wrong. You need to realize this and not be so hard on yourself.
There have been a lot of changes in your lives over the past year. You got married, he moved from a country vastly different than the US. You got pregnant, and had a complicated pregnancy where you were in and out of the hospital. He had a hard time finding a job, and you guys have financial issues. You had a baby several weeks early. I am certain this has more to do with a culmination of all of this than anything specifically with you.
I don't know anyone that continues to have sex with the same frequency they had when they were dating once they are married, and especially once you have a baby. Life just changes, good or bad, but it does.
Please stop being so hard on yourself. Be proud you have lost 30 lbs, that is amazing, and look at your baby and snuggle with him, and talk to your husband. Get your parents to look after N and go out to eat and really talk.
Ah, this does put a different spin on things, at least as far as the PPD goes. I'm glad to hear you're in good hands and hope your psychiatrist can help you separate what is simply baby stress from what is a deeper problem.
And as for how you feel about your body, it sounds like your DH certainly found you attractive before regardless of your weight. Being down from your pre-preg weight only a few weeks PP is great - congratulations! I somehow can't believe that he suddenly isn't attracted to you, and tend to want to believe that he really is just tired, but I'm an outsider going on what you've said, so take what I think with a grain of salt. I have the feeling that you're doing a lot of my fault (what did I do wrong?)/ his fault (he's being a jerk right now!) instead of blaming the situation (wow, being new parents is really stressful!). Of course I'm not saying it's Minibini's fault, either, but I do think you need to stop being so hard on yourself and probably need to be more forgiving to your DH as well.
At about the 3 month mark, I thought I was going to go crazy. I told DH we needed to get counseling, not because I wanted to divorce him but because I felt like we were headed down the wrong path and needed to correct things before they got out of hand. For him that was a wake-up call, and we changed a few things that made all the difference in the world. I'm not saying that would help in your case, but I'm saying that it is really stressful to have a new baby. Really. Try to cut yourself some slack, and figure out ways to help both of you survive the next few months when things will (hopefully!) start to fall into a routine and get better.
What everyone is saying here is you did NOTHING wrong. You two have had so much going on that it's very likely his lack of sex drive has more to do with your general situation than anything else. I wonder if there are cultural issues at play here too. I'm sorry I don't have much advice for you on how to deal with it, but please stop blaming it on your looks. Hang in there. (((hugs)))