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At the end of my rope with her...
I love my mother, and I have worked really hard practically my whole life to have a good relationship with her. I am now 21 years old and I don't think I can do this much longer...
Let me explain: My mom has been an alcoholic and drug addict for the majority of my life. I lived with her until I was 13 before moving in with my father, and there was never a very functional relationship between the two of us. She has been drug free for several years, but still drinks every once in a while (and when she does, it can get really crazy). About 2 years ago she slapped my H and cussed him out because she was in a drunken stupor and thought he was "getting an attitude" (he wasn't), and inevitably things have been rocky between them ever since. I feel like I have to clean up her messes all the time and I'm too young for this crap. Maybe her irresponsibility has driven me to be the opposite but I am nothing like her. She can't hold down a job, she is losing her apartment, she has never had a healthy relationship, she puts men before her daughters, etc. I have had to drive her home from bars, pick her up from jail, support her in court...it's ridiculous. I've been happily married for almost a year and a half, I have a rewarding job as an Admin. Assistant that I've been doing for over a year, my husband and I work hard for what we have, and I do not drink/smoke/use drugs. I just wish sometimes she would grow up and become more responsible, I'm tired of feeling like the parent in our relationship.
The hardest part for me is I am 7 months pregnant and I want a relationship with her more than ever. I want her to be able to give me motherly advice and I want her to be able to be alone with our baby girl, but I can't trust her. I have told her that if she didn't stop drinking I was done trying, and I tried that but it's tough. When she's clean, she can be the best person to talk to and hang out with, but I never know when it's going to all fall apart. I wish she would get help but she doesn't think she needs it...
Should I cut her out of my life completely or...idk? What do you guys think?
Re: At the end of my rope with her...
Have you ever been to an Al-Anon meeting, or had any counseling to help you deal with this?
I'm wondering this too, if you haven't please go now, it can really help to talk to people that are going through the same/similar things.
Please cut this woman out of your life. She doesn't deserve you. You have a baby to worry about now and your child does NOT need this in their life.
You have done everything possible, but she doesnt want to help herself. You can not force her or get her to see the light.
Alanon is a great suggestion, im surprised you havent gone that route in all these years...may i ask why?
I would suggest counseling to help you deal with the fact that no matter how much you want it, and no matter what you do, she is never going to be the mother you want her to be.
Do you really want to take "motherly advice" from this person? She's not going to magically become the doting grandmother of your dreams; she is always going to be an unstable alcoholic/drug addict.
Oh, and if my mother had slapped my DH? I would have been done with her then and there.
I'm going to 'ditto' the previous PPs.
I would also look into individual counseling for yourself (on top of Al-Anon, which in itself will be very helpful).
As far as being pregnant goes, what do you "need" her for? If you have questions, The Bump is a great resource, so is Google, as will be your pediatrician. If you're thinking about using her as a sitter.... Um, no. You have no idea when she will flip and what if she slaps your child with the same force she slapped your DH?
She's toxic no matter how nice she pretends to be. She's nice because she's afraid she'll push you too close to the edge and you'll cut her off, so she 'plays nice' for a while to draw you back in. In fact, its classic manipulator/abuser behavior.
As far as cutting her out goes? That is a personal decision that you need to make, and going to counseling will help you sort that out and any feelings of guilt should you decide to make that choice. I can tell you this, though, I cut my own mother out of my life for roughly a year for much less (my requirement was that she go to counseling and it took her a year to finally 'get it'). If I were in your shoes she would have been long gone with no looking back. But that's me and I'm not in your shoes.
That part that I bolded, has she ever been that person? The sooner you realize that she never will be, the better off you'll be. These expectations you have of her being Wonder Mom are unrealistic.
I also think you need to stop picking her up from bars, stop picking her up from jail, stop supporting her in court. How do your other siblings deal with her?
Yeah, go to Al-Anon, ASAP. Stop cleaning up after her. The only way she'll ever change is if she has to face the consequences of her actions. And that means, leaving her in jail.
*eta autocorrect.
Ditto ALAnon and counseling ASAP!
ETA: Growing up with an alcoholic will impact you in ways in which you are not aware of. Counseling will help you sort out isues this has caused for you, help you set healthy boundaries and move forward with your life.
AlAnon is for those who have family, friends, loved ones who have a problem with alcohol or drugs. You will find alot of helpful information about addiction as well as strategies people have used successfully. Support of people who "have been there" is a real gift.
Have you gone to counseling or alanon??????
I second AlANon. And Adult Children of Alcoholics would also be a good idea, too.
She also sounds like she is mentally ill -- she assaulted your H? Wow. Normal people don't go around assaulting other people because of "attitude."
You do NOT have to be HER mother -- drive her home from bars? hell NO --- as of right now, stop doing it; this is not only being a pushover, it is enabling her on many many levels.
Stop doing anything for her, as of right now.
It's best if you cease contact with her. She probably has not gotten sober; if she is drinkiing still even "every once in awhile" she is not clean and sober. She probably also has not been to AA and she probably hasn't got a sponsor from AA, either.
As long as she is un-sober, it will be impossible to have any type of relationship with her. She's also a loose cannon; the second she did what she did to your H, she should have been history immediately.
I stopped reading when she hit your husband. That is unacceptable. You and your husband are your family now. NO ONE has the right to physically assault anyone in your family.
No matter how hard to wish and beg and bargain with the universe, your mother is NEVER going to be the caring and loving mother you deserved. She can get sober, she can get clean and she can get responsible, but she can not go back in time and change your crappy childhood. And she has been showing you, over and over again, that she will never be a person trustworthy enough to be with your child - alone or not.
Please go to an Al-Anon or Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting. It will really help. Then go to some more meetings. They cost nothing to attend and you will get to hear the stories of other people in your same situation - a person whose life has been affected by the drinking and drugging of another person. Your husband should go as well. Once you understand exactly how toxic and damaging she is to your life, you will be able to cross her out of your life forever or at least keep her at a non-destructive distance. You owe that to your child.
You've given her enough chances. If she can't commit to a life of clean living and sobriety then you cannot trust her with your little one. Ask her to commit to treatment and get yourself some support through Al Anon. If she refuses treatment then that is it.
If she doesn't want help (as others have said) you can't force her. However, you can't watch her destroy herself slowly & potentially put your daughter at risk with her actions, or company she keeps.
Good luck.
You must get some counselling to help you come to grips with this. You want your mother to be someone she's not. You want her to give you the kind of mothering she has never, ever been capable of giving. And you keep hoping and hoping and trying and giving chances and begging and picking her up and giving her money/food/rides etc so she'll get another chance to be the mom you needed. And it's hopeless.
Counselling. Something that was useful for me was Al Anon, and also Adult Children of Alcoholics support group meetings (you can get group meeting times by calling Al Anon in the phone book). Your mom cannot function without her crutch. And god help her, if she were to lose that crutch by somehow keeping off the booze, she would not miraculously be this wonderful person all of a sudden. She'd be desperately in search of another crutch. It's not the alcohol or drugs that makes her act this way; she acts this way because she MUST have them or something else like them that gives her that feeling of having that crutch.
Good luck. It's brutal. You can, however, learn to love her without letting her disappoint or hurt you anymore, or making yourself somehow responsible for her; and you can keep her from doing to your child what she's done to you.