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Another T&P Post (Warning super long!)
Hi ladies! I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!
I haven't been on in a long time, so I feel a little bit awkward posting this. However, I remember how amazing you all are, and I am desperate for prayers for my father. Please bear with me, I'm sure this is going to end up pretty long. I feel like I have a lot to get off my chest.
First let me say, my dad is an alcoholic. He has been for over 30 years. It was an addiction he just couldn't beat. However, he is the kindest, most loving, and big hearted man you will ever meet! He was a functioning alcoholic. He never forgot his responsibilities. He owned his own business and worked 7 days a week. He is a hard working man, who very much loves his family and friends. I just don't want you to think he was some drunk stumbling down the street, who couldn't hold down a job or pay his bills, and wasn't there for his family. He is far from that, but he is an alcoholic none the less.
Dad went into the hospital almost 2 weeks ago. He is in liver failure. We have been holding out hope that there would be a way to recover. There was talks of just trying to keep him healthy until he can get a liver transplant (and they won't just put an alcoholic on the transplant list. It would be an over 2 year process. He would have to complete a lot of treatment including AA and remain sober for the 2 year time period before he would be considered. I completely understand the reasons for that). However he keeps getting worse. Among a laundry list of other things, we now found out he also has cancer through out his body. We are waiting on the biopsy results to confirm, but all the doctors have prepared us that they have no doubt. On a cruel twist of fate, his liver doctor signed off that he didn't have to complete the 2 year wait to get on the list. They will put him on one in 6 months. He told us that after he knew dad has cancer too, and wouldn't even live that long. We have been told we have 6 months at best. No matter the time, there is nothing they can do. Right now we are just trying to get him healthy enough to bring him home, so he is more comfortable. We will have to hire in home or hospice to help care for him.
I am praying for a miracle everyday. I know the odds are slim to none, but I have to try anyway. I am the worlds biggest daddy's girl. We have a very close relationship, and see each other every day. I'm don't have any brothers or sisters so it has always just been the three of us. I have a lot of close friends who care about me, but I feel oddly disconnected from them right now. I just don't know what to do with myself. I have no idea how I am going to make it through this. How do you prepare yourself for something like this? If you are the praying type, please pray that my mom and I have the strength to get through this. And please pray that my dad is not in pain and can find peace. He is dealing with a lot of guilt because he knows that his drinking caused a lot of this. I can't imagine what he is feeling. It tears me up thinking he might leave this world feeling horrible about what happened, instead of being happy for what he did have. I don't want to lose my dad, but if I have to, I want him to go feeling all the love in the world.
Thank you all for listening! I know that was a lot to get through. I've just needed to get some of that out, and haven't yet been able to say the words. Right now, typing them is easier. Thank you to those who will take the time to say a prayer or send good thoughts. They really do mean the world to me!
Re: Another T&P Post (Warning super long!)
There really is no way to prepare yourself. Just keep faith and spend as much time as you can with your dad. You may also want to seek out some type of counseling. I know that many hospitals have programs for cancer patients and their families.
To a certain extent I know how you feel. My mom has had a severe nerve disorder for about the past 15 years. Over that time we have become more distant, but it is because she's also become non functioning and non social. She spends most of her time with the dogs at home and when she does see people she just spills about how much pain she is always in. It''s hard for my friends to relate (their parents are all healthy) and I can't really talk about anything with them.
This is a great place to vent and let go. Typing out your feelings can be just as good as talking. DH doesn't understand what I go through (his parents are 15 years older and super active) and sometimes writing is the only way I can get my feelings out without offending or hurting someone.
Lots of love and hugs to you. It's always hard to see those you love in pain. Your dad and family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
k
Oh Shannon, your post made tears well up in my eyes.
I'm sending you the best thoughts and prayers I can, and hope that a miracle will find its way to you.
I lost my father to cancer in February of this year, so I know what you are going through, unfortunately. My dad did nothing to contribute to his condition, but nonetheless he developed liver cancer (bile duct cancer to be specific), which we found out about in May of 2010 and he passed away 9 months later.
I found myself asking the same questions a few weeks before his passing when we found out that his cancer treatments weren't working anymore (after trying multiple types). The cancer was just so aggressive and adaptive, the treatments weren't doing anything but hurting his immune system more. I came on here too, and on a cancer support forum I had found online for his type of cancer to ask how to prepare myself. The answer is simple, but its not what anybody wants to hear: You can't. You can try to keep hope in your heart, but prepare yourself mentally for what is coming, knowing that it will most likely be the most painful thing you will have experienced in your life yet, especially when it gets closer to the end.
Try to make the most of the time you have left. I didn't have enough time to do this when we found out 2 days before my dad died that his liver and kidneys were failing. I wish I had more time. Be strong for your mom, but don't be afraid to break down and show how you are feeling. Spend as much time as you possibly can with your family, take vacation time and days off from work to spend time with them. Take a family photo, even if your dad is looking sicker than you remember him, you will want that photo. I don't have one. I wish I did. Talk to your dad about his wishes and hopes and dreams and about the real stuff. Have him tell you stories about growing up, him and your mom. Record his voice, make videos of him.
If he focuses on the negative choices he's made in his life (which he will, as my dad did once he was diagnosed), try to change the conversation to a happy thing, about a success in his life or how much you love him. He should definitely, and maybe the rest of your family too, be seeing a counselor during this. It really does help. I didn't until after my dad passed away, but I still see mine now every few weeks.
Make sure he has his living will and will in order, all life insurance paperwork in a place where you two can find it if something happens. Decide what your plan is for if the time comes, if he wants to be home or in hospice, or the hospital, if he wants the family there or just the doctors. Figure out for yourself if you are OK with being there. I wasn't sure I could handle it, but I did, and as much as having that last memory of my dad is heartbreaking, I wouldn't change my decision ever.
I know i just gave you a lot of stuff, and it might not be as organized as it should be - my brain is emotional now, trying to give you the best advice from what i've experienced, so organized goes out the door. No matter what happens, he will be your dad and he knows you love him more than the whole world.
I hope the above is somewhat helpful to you --- I know its a lot. Please let me know if you want to talk more, I might have more helpful stuff for you, or just be someone you can talk to about this stuff if you would like. I wish you did not have to go through this
I'm keeping your family in my thoughts and prayers.
House Renovations
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I am a gluten-free, gun-toting wife! :P
I love you, Daddy...2/24/1953 to 2/13/2011
I'm so sorry that you and your family have to go through such a difficult time. I will be thinking of you all. I am fortunate and haven't had to deal with anything similar to this yet, but in that situation, I would want to remember the good times. I'm a huge fan of using photos to reminisce. Maybe you could put together a photo book for your dad. The process of putting together the book would let you have some time alone, and then you could also spend time looking through the book with your father. I don't know if it will help, but I thought I'd throw it out there.
We're all here for you if you need to talk. Just know that you have a safe place to let your feelings out. Thinking of you, your dad, and your family!
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. It must be very difficult for you and your family right now. My dad died suddenly in 2004 so while I didn't deal with the illness, I have dealt with losing a father.
I agree with what the other girls said. Also, remember to take care of yourself during these next weeks and months. Be sure and get enough rest/sleep and also have some down time for you. Your stress level will be lower and you can help your parents more if you are taking care of yourself.
We are always here for you. Hang in there and I will be praying for you.
Thank you all so much for your thoughts, prayers, and kind words. You have no idea how much it means! It was very comforting reading your replies. It's hard for me to lean on my friends right now. I'm not sure why. I just feel really disconnected from everyone and everything. It's hard to watch everyone's world continue on normally while I feel like mine has completely crumbled. I know that sounds so horrible. Everyone around me has truly been wonderful. My husband has been amazing (and I know he is in a lot of pain too. He and my dad are extremely close. They knew each other for over 10 years before we got together). I don't know why it's so hard for me to reach out to them right now. Maybe because they are too close to my dad and everything that is going on. All I know, is it was much easier for me right now to reach out on here. So thank you...for listening, for being there.
Sadly my dad is going very quickly. He will be coming home today or tomorrow. Hospice will be coming in to set up the bed, and bring in all the meds. As soon as they are done, we can bring him home. He is already on a morphine pump to ease the pain and keep him comfortable. We don't have nearly as much time with him as we thought. Maybe a month, I don't know. I can't believe less then 2 weeks ago my dad was his normal self. I knew he wasn't feeling the best, but he definitely didn't look like he was dying. He told me he was going to take himself to the ER to get some test done so he could find out what was wrong and get better. Sitting with him in the ER that night I was sure that in a few days, he would be back to feeling great and all would be well. Looking at him today, you would not know he is the same man. How can that happen so quick? How could he be so alive 2 weeks ago, and now be so close to death??? I just don't understand, and I'm not ready for it. His truck is parked in my driveway. My husband and I brought it home from the ER parking lot, and since we live closer to the hospital than my parents, we brought it here. His open soda he was drinking that day is still in the cup holder. I just don't understand how life just stops.
The business my dad owns is a small local community bar. Think Cheers. He has owned it for 35 years, since he was in his 20's. Everyone knows everyone, and everyone is really close. He has life long friends there. Friends he went to grade school and high school with are regulars. It's is so close knit. That bar and the people were his life. I grew up there ( I know that sounds horrible, but the place is more like were good friends who are more like family gather that a place where people go and party it up and get *** faced. It's a very laid back and low key place. I spend a lot of time there, and ironically I don't drink). I went there last night after the hospital because I just wanted to be there. I needed to be with my friends, and I needed to be where my dad "is" (does that even make sense?). It broke my heart knowing that he will never see the place again. That he walked out of there that morning, having no idea that it would be the last time. It hurts even more knowing that we may have to shut the doors. That his legacy won't carry on. That it won't be our place anymore. I use to get so upset thinking that some day when dad could no longer take care of it, that we would have to decide what to do with it. That it might not be a part of my family anymore. I know it sounds crazy to talk about a place that way. Now I am loosing both of them.
I'm sorry, I got rambling again. I simply want to come by to say thanks. You girls are a very special group. The love and caring you show for someone you barely know and have never met, is outstanding. I can't thank you enough!
Kim, Thank you for sharing your story with me. I know how incredibly difficult that must have been with the death of your father having been so recent. You gave me some great ideas for making the time I have left with my dad very special. Your advice was very helpful, and I thank you for reaching out and offering an ear!
Love to you all!!
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I am so so sorry you and your family are going through this. My T&P are with you although I know there really isn't anything that can take away the pain and grief you must be feeling.
Try to just spend every moment you can with him and just allow yourself to feel whatever it is you might be feeling-grief, anger, etc.
We are here for you if you need anything or need someone to talk to.
I am soo sorry to hear about everything. I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
We are here for you... xoxo