Interesting thoughts on marriage and kids.

Leo713 · November 2011

Someone posted this article on facebook, and I thought it was pretty interesting. I don't know if I agree with loving the spouse "more," just maybe not less. Also I don't have kids yet, so maybe I have a different perspective. What do you think?

blenderdance · November 2011

I also don't have kids yet, but I know from looking at my parents' relationship that what she describes in the article is how my parents behaved when we were growing up. They always made their relationship a priority--went on vacations without us at least once a year and more as we got older, kissed in the kitchen, banished us from the house on Thursday mornings (Dad's day off) so they could have sex (true story, we weren't allowed to be sick on Thursday unless we were literally dying). It has worked for them...they have been together 35?37? (can't remember) years, and are still totally in love with each other.

ETA: I should clarify that I don't think that they loved us less than they loved each other, but I think the author is right, it is completely different and my parents treated it as such, valuing both kinds of love instead of replacing the love of each other with their love of us.

starsailorr26 · November 2011

I don't agree that you should love your husband more than your kids per se but definitely don't love him less. I think it's important to make each other a priority, to communicate and spend time alone together without the kids. You love your children unconditionally but at times it takes work to love your spouse and keep the spark going. I can see how when you become a new parent it can be easy to take each other for granted because those first few months are a huge adjustment. I know lots of moms who worship their kids and essentially push their husbands to the side. I'm not one of those women and I'm very conscious to tell my H that I love and appreciate him and to be affectionate with him. Some days it's easier than others especially when you have a sick, teething or fussy baby. It's not impossible it just takes work.

kaesha · November 2011

I've started writing a response like 3 times to this, but keep rethinking what I want to say.

It's an interesting idea that gets raised, because it flies in the face of the way we're taught to put children first. So much of how our society views parenthood is about self-sacrifice - especially in those early years.

But, I think it's healthy for kids to realize at a very early age that their parents' worlds do not revolve solely around them. And more importantly, I don't think it's healthy for parents to put more of their love into their children than into their adult relationships. I know too many parents who are left empty and unsure of their relationships once their children have left the house.

eeeeva · November 2011

I don't have kids, but I agree with this article. My parents love each other and they love my brother and I but it's different. They've been together 34 years. I love to see that they are happy and I sought out a relationship (subconsciously) that would be similar to what I saw in their marriage.

I have an Uncle that essentially put his wife aside for his 3 sons. They were all he really cared about. I remember my Dad telling him on the phone, your boys are going to grow up and get lives of their own and all you will have is you and your wife. You shouldn't neglect that part of your life. Now his kids are going to college and I think as soon as the youngest leaves she will be gone.

futuremrsofficer · November 2011

I get what the article is saying, and I would write an opinion very similar to Kaesha's. It's so important to continue to work on your marriage and make your marriage just as much of a priority as your children.

It is your marriage that shapes what your children view as healthy/happy relationships.

ring_pop · November 2011

1. They are different types of love - TRUE

2. Love for your children is easier and more natural than love for your spouse - VERY TRUE

3. Badge of honour to prioritize your children? Eh, Idunno. For some, maybe. But I don't think that most people do it to be a martyr, they do it because we are hard wired to do it. Like, one second I'll be like "OMG STOP CRYING!!" and the second he stops crying I'm like, "Oh Hiiiiii baby I looooove youuuuu!"

4. A happy family follows from a good marriage - agree with this due to #2 and #3.

So, I don't agree with some of the little details in the article but maybe they're moot. I do agree that it's important to keep working on your marriage but that's sort of a given whether or not you have kids, yeah?

Both my parents and ILs are great examples of what happens if you don't keep working at it. The kids are all grown up and out of the house, and they don't even know each other anymore. I do NOT want to end up like that... I want V and I to still be best friends 30 years from now.

Also, I think it's important for kids to see their parents having a strong and loving relationship. I think it's good for kids to observe love in all different forms, understand that a family is tied together by all of these forms, and sets a good example for their relationships in the future.

ring_pop · November 2011

I also want to add... I find it weird to hear a parent quantify love like that (love someone "more" than someone else). If being a parent has taught me anything, it's that we have the capacity for more love than we could ever imagine.

futuremrsofficer · November 2011

I just want to add that I'm SO with you on #3.

snoopy3319 · November 2011

I agree quite a bit with what the article is saying. I definitely think that the marriage is a relationship that will need to stand the test of time in order for the relationship with the children to also hold strong. I grew up in a very broken household, and I always felt like my mom had to keep deciding who to love more between her husband and us. It turned into misery all around. Now that she's happy, we've all gotten a much stronger bond.

I find myself trying to spread the love in our house, but it's really hard sometimes. I can't yell at the baby when I'm frustrated, but I can sure as heck take it all out on DH. I feel like he gets the brunt of it just because he's there. Jay is all that's going to be in my life once Jackson goes off on his own. I'd like to know how to still have our intimacy when it's just the 2 of us.

We've really been struggling with finding some "us" time lately, rather than just girl's and guy's nights out. After the holidays are over and our money is more controlled, I'm hoping to change that.

Interesting thoughts on marriage and kids.

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