Starting Over
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
I knew it!
I knew I wasn't crazy!
Someone posted this article in TIP, so I clicked on it out of curiosity. I've heard the term before, but never knew what it meant or how it applied to me. As I was reading through it, I just wanted to cry. All those times that H did this to me. Ugh, I need some wine.
(Sorry, I don't know how to make clicky on a Mac.)
Re: I knew it!
Wow, what an eye opener that was. Thinking back, my ex was a "gaslighter" as well. He would stay out for 2-3 days at a time, come back and tell me that if I was going to yell at him he would leave again because I was acting "crazy". It really wears you down...
Thanks for re-posting. And I will join you in a glass of wine now.
stbxh did the same thing. He would lie about a small thing, I would tell him nicely that I knew he was lying. He would get super mad (because he got caught lying) and he would leave for A WEEK telling me I was crazy and that was the reason why he was leaving. I talked to my therapist about all that and the fact that he was calling me crazy when I was pissed at him. Therapist told me it was abuse and manipulation.
Very interesting. I caught XH and the OW texting one night (while he and I were discussing baby names for our unborn child no less), and after calling him out and an argument ensued, it ended with ME apologizing to him for looking at his phone and invading his privacy. Talk about twisted reality and manipulation.
Thanks for sharing!
Great article. "a gaslighter is someone who presents false information to alter the victim's perception of him or herself"
Yep happened to me too. In fact my theapist is the one who said "it's gaslighting" after I described how StbX tried to talk his way out of the fact that he created on online dating account, 4 years ago, while I was pg with our second baby by saying "You helped me set up the account. We did it together just see what type of questions they asked"
utter &$()#&@^!
But I'm glad he tried to gaslight me, it made me realize he probably lied about his other suspicious behavior (frequent trips, working late nights, password protected computers) and that our marriage was really and truly over.
OH wow. Yeah, that was my marriage. H would lie, and then when he finally came clean he'd tell me that he lied because he didn't trust my reaction because I am too emotional and overreact to everything. For example, with his affair earlier this year, I was "making a mountain out of a molehill." If cheating isn't a "mountain" in a marriage, then what is??
He also told me that out son has Asperger's because I'm overly emotional. That there's no way he could be "normal" when he has the emotional equivalent of a 12 year old girl for a mother.
I was missing him today, but after reading this, I remember how awful he made me feel about myself. Thanks for posting!
I hope this is clicky:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/yashar-hedayat/a-message-to-women-from-a_1_b_958859.html?ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false
You are welcome! I'm glad other people got something from it.
This was XFI. I'd catch him in something shady and I would end up apologizing and feeling guilty. I'm glad I'm not alone in falling for it. I look back at those years and think "WTF was I smoking! why would I apologize for him getting a dirty text?" Ugh. I really think I should send my therapist a Christmas present for helping me see through the BS and spot it before it happens.
Ugh. H saw me responding to this post and was curious what I was talking about, so I showed him the article. He read it and didn't identify with it at all, like it just came out of left field.
At least it's an acceptable time to start drinking now.
Anyone who says that to any mother should have his testicles cut off with dull scissors
Thanks for posting. Lately I've been feeling that sense of "geez, maybe I really did contribute more to our divorce - maybe it was me," and this was just the eye opener/reminder that I needed! I lived this out almost every day of my marriage. I was always made to feel like XH could do whatever he wanted with no consequence, and if I said anything about it I was made to feel like I should just keep my trap shut.
Yup, all sounds very familiar. I'm sure that many of them will never learn either. Especially after my post from the other night about XH getting upset with me for not waiving back CS that he owes.
He said he'll never get to take DS because he'll never get his license back. But the entire reason he lost it in the first place was because he was driving under the influence and had narcotics in his truck. But it's my fault he won't get it back because I won't waive his CS arrears balance.
I also remember apologizing about things that were entirely his fault. I'm sorry I didn't give you enough attention so you sought it out from other women. I'm sorry that I looked through your phone and found the innappropriate text messages. Seems really, really fvcked up now but I remember thinking I was in the wrong at the time.
I lived with this for 23 years in my marriage. I could never wrap my mind around the fact that he would say I did not see or hear what I did. When you hear this so much you do begin to doubt yourself.
I LOVED this article and just posted it to my FB for everyone to read. My DH did this constantly. He would say something incredibly hurtful but when I was upset he would say his comment was just stupid and I needed to forget it and I was overreacting. He was always pushing me to get over things he did or said. So many times during our discussions when I would bring up a problem, it would end up with me apologizing to him. So of course nothing got solved, ever.
He is definitely noticing his behavior more and I don't think it was ever on purpose. I did though in the marriage feel like I was just too emotional or overreacting. I began to doubt my feelings and my expectations. Gas lighting can really make you become out of touch with how you feel and what you want. It is definitely manipulative and can make you feel crazy.
Thanks for sharing.
Yep. For me it was gradual. The first almost year I was "so smart" and "amazing". Then little by little I was "overreacting", "untrusting", "crazy" and "making something out of nothing".
After frequently being told how smart I was, when he fipped it I thought I really was being crazier or losing my sh!t.