Starting Over
Audg
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Can we talk about dating dos and donts?
Okay, so my sister talked me into creating a POF profile. No, I am not technically divorced yet, but I did make one for $hits and giggles just to see what's "out there". But it led me to realize that its been soooo long since I have dated that I have no idea what proper dating etiquette even is anymore! So, these questions are purely out of curiousity, but ...do you offer to pay for your date? And more importantly (lol), do you kiss on the first date? If not, how many dates do you typically wait to kiss? And what the hell do you talk about? I am so clueless...
Re: Can we talk about dating dos and donts?
With my current guy, I didn't offer to pay on the first date, but I tried to pick up the check on the second date (he flat refused, but I tried). My opinion is that for the first date, whoever initiates it should pay (unless he refuses, then let him). We exchanged a very sweet little peck on the lips on the first date, but the "real" first kiss was the 2nd date. If you two are compatible, conversation will flow. I had mentioned my divorce when we met (before our first date) but I tried to avoid all that stuff. We stuck to basic getting to know you stuff, like colleges, major, jobs, sports, pets, etc.
IMO - There are two things you do not offer on the first date: Help with the check and your vagina.
I see nothing wrong with sharing the check if you see eachother again, but I honeslty never offer until we are al least on our 3rd date.
Use common sense. Don't worry so much!
OMG that was funny. I'll be laughing about that for the rest of the day.
This just made me LOL! I am not really worried per se.. just trying to get an idea of what is going on in the dating world.
First of all, let's address safety. I suggest making up a "fake" email account that only has your first name linked to it and using that for your correspondence. I know my regular email has my first and last name linked on the account--presto, anyone can google my name and find info about me. Second, always meet at a public place on your dates. Don't let a guy pick you up--A) you don't want a stranger knowing where you live and
if the date sucks, you need a way to bail. Don't give out too much identifying info i.e. the exact place you work, etc. I don't want to sound like the crazy lady, but there are wierdos out there!
As for the dates themselves, I always offered to go dutch. I never expected a guy to pay for me. If the guy insisted on paying, I let them. But I didn't go into thinking that he should. That is just me. There are some ladies on here that will say the guy should pay. To each their own. In terms of kissing on a first date, see what you feel like doing. 99% of my dates I didn't kiss on the first date but I really didn't feel a desire because I still wanted to get to know them better. I have kissed on the first date though. Sex on a first date? Hells to the no!!
In terms of what to talk about, I usually try to get to know them better and see what we have in common. I tried to stay away from really personal questions (i.e. why did your last relationship end, etc) but I have asked when their last relationship was. I usually talked about "safe" topics: what do you do for fun, job stuff, maybe a funny story or 2.
Hope this helps!
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
I disagree ... you OFFER to pay the check, but if he takes you up on this offer, you decline the second date.
Call me old fashion, but I expect the guy to pay for the first date. After that...it's nice if he does, but I'll offer. I did on my second date last week because he got an expensive parking ticket on our first date and I felt so bad (I told him he didn't have to pay the meter...so it became a joke between us).
As for kissing on the first date? I'm fine with it...if it's what I want to do! It shouldn't be expected and on many first dates I haven't...either because there was no chemistry or we just didnt'.
I did on last weeks first date though!
Why? I am sorry but I work full time and I support myself. It is not a man's job to pay for me. Do I think it is polite if a guy pays--yes. But I wouldn't turn down a second date because he took me up on it. Wow, I feel like we are setting women's lib back 20 years....
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
I have heard this before. I like what a pp said about whoever asks the person out should pay on date #1. Totally an opinion. I have never dated a guy that would have let me pay for the first date. Even when I used to offer.
ETA: I would never offer if I wasn't ready to pay up.
Well, I think what she's saying is that its the "gentleman" thing to do is pay, even if I offer... and any man who would take me up on that offer.. I have to be honest I probably would be taken back and turned off by it. I know its silly and an antiquated way of thinking, but I'm just being honest.
Paying for dinner or drinks is overrated! Just eat and run! Everybody wins!
...
.........that was a joke.
Funny thing is, I have guy friends who WOULDN'T ask a woman out on a second date if she acted "entitled" to be paid for in regards to the date. I have to agree. I am dating a person, not an ATM.
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
I'm with you on this. I think it's rude not to offer to chip in -- and if someone takes me up on it, I'm not the slightest bit put off. I think it's incredibly rude to just assume you're getting a free drink/lunch/dinner/etc.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
Amen, sister.
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
I 100% agree with this.. I would of course OFFER! That would be incredibly rude not to and I would never act entitled either.. Just saying if he said "yeah, okay..you can pay" .. I'd probably be a little shocked is all...
I'm not saying that I would pay the whole bill, I offer to split it or to pay for my share if it was way more expensive than his. And yes, I have been out on dates where guys agree to this. Or if he buys the first round of drinks, I pick up the second round. I don't see anything wrong with this. A relationship is a partnership. And yes, in my mind that includes money and paying for things. I am not helpless.
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
I always offer to pay. I have never assumed the guy is going to pay.
The BF told me that he appreciates the fact that I offer to pay. Sometimes he will take me up on my offer, but most of the time he tells me that he will pay.
We went to lunch today and I fully intended to pay, because he paid for breakfast, lunch and dinner yesterday, but I left my debit card at home. After the lunch, I thanked him and told him that I am paying for the next meal.
For a first date, I stick to sports, races, activities, hobbies, interests and pets.
I have never kissed on a first date, but I am not opposed to it.
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
I just realized that I have a weird protocol for paying on first dates. If I picked the place, I offer to pay since it feels like a jointly-planned effort. If he picks it, then I tend not to. I'm also more likely to offer if I'm not feeling much chemistry.
I'll kiss someone if I'm feeling it, no matter which date it is.
I do expect the guy to pay on a first date, however, I do offer to help pay. I don't think any guy I've been out with has ever let me pay on a first date. After the first date I completely expect to take turns paying, or split things or whatever.
I don't have any rules about not kissing on the first date. If there's chemistry I say go for it.
Interesting how we all have strong opinions about who pays for the first date. Personally, I think it?s nice if the guy insists on picking up the check on the first date ? I always offer to ?split it?, but am honestly disappointed if he doesn?t offer to pay. It?s a little old fashioned I guess, but it?s a nice gesture, and I also think it?s a good indicator of how interested he is.
I agree with those who said to offer to split but let him pick it up--I'm not going to put up a fight over the bill! As for talking, just be yourself and let conversation flow.
We were told in our sorority rush that the B's were off limits: Boyfriends (ex's and sex) and Bank accounts. Booze was also on the list but that doesn't apply here. I'd keep exes, sex and money off the list of things to talk about (for the most part, but if divorce was listed on the website it's ok to mention but I don't like to get super into it).
I also signed up for some sites to "see what was out there" and I met several people. I quickly realized it was too soon for me but it was good to know that there are relatively normal people out there.
Oh, I am far from helpless. I just think a gentleman would and should pay for the first date. And I might be biased, because my ex paid for nothing and we spent so much of our relationship with me carrying the financial responsibilities of our family, because he had no money and he had *** credit. I want to know that the man I am with as my "partner" can hold his own financially, and that includes taking me on a proper dinner date.
I did pay my half on date two and have paid half on many things since. BF is of the "man should pay" mentality, but I always find ways to treat him to dinner even if it means going to the market on my way over and getting the food to cook. We are also moving in together and he wanted me to not pay part of the mortgage. I made it very clear that I wanted to pay my fair share. Always have, always will.
Expecting the guy to pay on the first date has nothing to do with entitlement.
So what message are you sending when you don't offer to pay? That you CAN'T hold your own financially? And "holding your own" insinuates that you can meet someway half way--not cover someone 100%. So, pretell, if expecting a guy to pay on the first date doesn't have to do with entitlement, what exactly does it have to do with?
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
If you reread my first post, you'd see that I DO offer, but I feel a gentleman should decline the offer and pay.
Expecting a guy to pay on the first date has to do with tradition. And while, if you knew me beyond this message board, you would know that is quite odd coming from me, because I am one of the biggest non-traditionalist (and contrary to what you insinuate from this post, I am quite the feminist as well), I still feel it is a nice and appropriate -- and for some on this board, expected -- gesture.
To clarify my real position on this (besides my vagina joke) I USED to alway offer to go dutch. I stopped for the following reasons.
#1) Most men would either laugh at me (in a nice way) or just flat out refuse to let me pay.
#2) The few that did take me up on my offer turned out to be losers and eventually took advantage of my generosity...
So, it is based off of my personal experience. I am self sufficient and can take care of myself, I do not need a man. So, if a man is offended by the fact that I do not offer to pay half for a first date, that is fine. We can both find people that fit us better.
After date #1 I am more likely to insist on paying for something (drinks/coffee/dessert) I can't honestly say that I offer half of the check, but I would not be offended. With my current BF I offered to pay for a round of mini golf on date #2 (he had paid for dinner).