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My H has changed, so have my feelings....I'm so confused
Those of you who know my story....
My H has been in counseling for his anger issues. I've noticed that he has made a lot of improvements over the last month or so. The kids have shown more of an interest in spending time with him, and he has also demonstrated a little more maturity towards me.
However, my feelings towards him have completely shut off because of everything that he's done and all that has happened over the last 8 months. We've been separated all that time, even though he has continually tried to "win me back" and make improvements on himself.
I spent Thanksgiving alone with my kids and my family, for the first time in 10 years. My family does not want to see H - he is not welcome at any family function anymore. It was very difficult. It felt wrong.
Yes, I have been seeing someone for a few months. H has been free to date, as well, while we have been separated. I do have feelings for this other man, and he has been a good friend of mine for the last 3 years, before all of this happened. We've had our own ups and downs, but nothing that hasn't been able to get worked out. My family and friends like him a lot.
I just don't know what to do. My upbringing tells me that I am supposed to stand by H and accept him back into my life, if he's making improvements. I just don't think the love is there anymore. Just thinking about being intimate with him makes me cringe. (He LEFT me when I had my tubes tied because he was having "issues" with my family.) I just cannot forgive him for all of these things that he has done.
Re: My H has changed, so have my feelings....I'm so confused
Are you in counseling at all?
I was in pretty much the same boat. We did a year of counseling and he had started to show some improvement but overall I just couldn't get past all of the hurts. I had shut myself down. My counselor was a huge help in making me realize that it was okay, I did my best and it was pretty much "too little, too late"
I was seeing a counselor, but she really wasn't working out. I posted the other day about her. She was always validating H's abusive behavior and making me feel like his actions were my fault, somehow. Like if he did something abusive to DS, she would say, "Well maybe he thinks you coddle your son too much." Seriously. She was no help. I am trying to find a new counselor ASAP.
My advice: New counselor ASAP, stop dating new guy and don't plan on making a decision about your marriage for another 6 months.
I don't think that with only one month of good behavior under his belt, you can trust that your husband has changed. Plus, one month of being nice to the kids isn't enough to make everything up to you. Don't worry that you aren't falling head over heels for 30 days of good behavior.
You shouldn't be dating new guy - I don't care how long you guys have been friends. You aren't ready to date anyone - especially if you are describing your brand new romantic relationship as having worked through some problems already. There shouldn't be speed bumps already. You are not thinking clearly and if you really want a future with this guy, get therapy, get clear and get a divorce.
Get a new counselor to help you stay clearheaded and focused.
ditto
I completly agree with that. Also, why are you even dating someone else at the moment? Your kids must be really confused. End you marriage once and for all if that's what you want, spend time with yourself and then you can start dating again.
I'm really quite stunned that you supposedly want to work on your marriage, you have kids, but yet you're dating someone already. Huh? If you want to work on your marriage- then WORK ON IT, which means not dating. That adds so much confusion to the mix, it's ridiculous. And the fact that you can't see that is amazing.
Especially when there are kids in the mix.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I've had feelings for SO for a long time. It feels right. And, there are always speed bumps in any relationship. Our problems are related to my separation/divorce situation. I also don't understand why everyone on this board seems to get the side-eye when they start dating before the text book "6 month" time period. It seems like everyone here waits a very long time post divorce to date, and that's fine for some people, but if you found someone you want to be with, why would you run away from that?
My very good friend recently divorced in February and she's marrying her high school sweetheart this month. They found each other again in March and fell head over heels. She didn't wait. It felt right for her, just like it does for me. Every story is different.
I guess with H and me, it's too little too late. I already have feelings for someone else and I don't want to stop seeing him.
THAT'S where my side-eye comes from.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Every situation is different. You are right... but the motto I try to live by is: Live by the rule, not the exception. Let me tell you why I think (and the other ladies here would probably agree) you should not be dating now.
You said yourself that you are confused about your marriage. Meaning you have not completely let go. Even if you are 99% done with your husband, that 1% can ruin any new relationship. You have to be 100% free of your husband, any feelings for him and any confusion surrounding your divorce/separation. It is what is best for you, your kids and the only fair thing for your new SO.
That piece of you that is still questioning your decision to leave H is going to poison your new relationship. Maybe it wont destroy it... but If this man really cares about you he will wait for you to work out your issues.
I am being honest, not mean. We all had something to fight through at the end of our relationships. We are coming from a good place, promise.
I really don't understand why you don't see anything wrong with dating other people when you weren't entirely sure you were done with your marriage. FWIW, I think your husband is a total jerk and I hope you divorce him and I'm glad you're finding a new counselor, because your current one sounds like an ass, but you're being incredibly selfish in the way you're going about this. Since you have children who depend on you for their physical and emotional well-being, you'd better have a reason for making a life-changing decision that goes beyond your "feelings".
Also, I would be very surprised if this:
...doesn't turn out to be a disaster.
I started dating about 3 months after separation, and 1 month after the official paperwork had been filed so I'm not one of these people who thinks that people have to wait 6 months before dating. But, I'm still giving you the side eye for a couple of reasons.
1. I don't have kids. You do. You are not just making decisions for yourself, you're making them for your children too.
2. I was 100% sure I was done with my X. I knew I was done probably 4 months before we separated. I was never unsure about my relationship being over and I haven't felt conflicted about it since. You have said yourself that you're still feeling unsure about your feelings.
I think that if you like your new guy, you owe it to both of you to work through your feelings before pursuing the relationship further. You can't give 100% of yourself to the relationship if you're still dwelling on your X. I also agree that you need to find a new counselor, one that you're comfortable with.
Well, you are basically the poster child for why not to start dating so soon. You still have guilt and unresolved feelings over your marriage and you aren't 100% sure you are done with, adding another person into the mix does not make that any less complicated.
Add to that, when you are putting time and energy into a relationship that detracts from time and energy you could be putting into yourself. You should be examining what you contributed to the demise of the marriage (and by that I'm not saying it ended because of you, I'm saying figure out how you wound up with a jerk so you can see the warning signs more quickly next time). You're skipping the phase where you should be working on yourself and are therefore missing a lot of lessons that could benefit you in the future.
Not to mention if you have been friends for so long and are so right together, he should have been willing to wait for you to sort things out and get back on your feet again. I do believe some people are so emotionally checked out at the end of their marriages that they can date pretty quickly without hurting themselves more or ignoring problems, but everything you've posted does not make it sound liek you are ready to be dating.
The fact that you are dating someone else shows that you really DONT want to work things out with your husband, and there is nothing wrong with that.
If I was you I would divorce him, break up with the boyfriend, find a good counselor, and spend some time alone while working through any unresolved issues in therapy for a while. Once you are actually happy with yourself and your life then think about dating again.