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Why should I have to ask?
My husband says that he will not give me oral sex unless I ask for it. He says he loves doing it and he gets pleasure from it, but he will not do it unless I ask for it. He says the same about back rubs, foot rubs, etc.
The way I feel is that those things should be things you do because you want to pleasure the person you love - I give him oral sex and back/foot rubs without him asking me all the time because I love him and I want him to feel good. I don't want to have to ask him. He has not given me oral sex in 6 weeks and its really driving me up the wall (especially since like most women, I only orgasm when I have oral sex).
Am I wrong in thinking I shouldn't have to ask? Should I just get over myself? Or are those things things that you should do because you want to and because you love the person?
Any advice?
Re: Why should I have to ask?
No I don't think you should HAVE to ask, but I think sometimes it is good to ask him for what you want. Him saying that you need to ask is one thing, but him NEVER giving it unless you ask is a little weird/extreme. Sex shouldn't be built on a bunch of rules where you HAVE to tell each other what their every move should be before they do it. That would get tiresome.
That said, I think I might start asking if I was you...6 months and you don't O without it, why on earth are you not asking? or just shoving his head down there by now?
Does he say that you turn him down when he just goes for it? or is that not an issue?
I guess I should just come out and ask. I don't know why I haven't. Maybe I'm just stubborn.
I guess I just wanted to know if I was wrong in thinking the way I do - and how I could approach talking to him about it.
My H hates initiating because he is afraid he will get turned down. He never knows when I have a headache or stomachache, etc (frequent problems for me...) and therefore he often waits for me to initiate. You need to see if you have set up any patterns that make him nervous to initiate, and if so, address those roadblocks with him.
You need to have a talk with your H about how often you want it, and say "Look, I generally need to orgasm ___ many times a week, and if you could help me with that through oral, I would really like that." He might initiate more if he realizes how often you would like it.
Yes, you should not have to ask, especially if that is the only way you climax. Make him a wish list and laminate it, so you can hand it to him next time he approaches you with an erection.
Yes. You should get over yourself. He may want you to ask because it turns him on to hear you ask him. If it didnt make him happy to make you feel good then he wouldnt do it at all. Be thankful for what you have. This seems so small of a issue to me.
All of this.
This is definitely a case of cutting off your nose to spite your face (or your clit to spite your orgasm)!
You are literally saying "He should know when I want it and do it and if he doesn't, it means he doesn't love me! So I am going to do without my pleasure until he figures it out." Sounds kind of silly, doesn't it?
Instead of this ridiculous stalemate where you are the only one suffering, try this:
"Honey, I am uncomfortable asking for oral sex. So I am going lay it out this way -- I want oral sex EVERY TIME we have sex. If I do not want oral sex, I will let you know at that moment, but the default is that oral sex is ALWAYS expected."
If you want other forms of physical contact (massages, footrubs) you can tell him that you want a backrub once a month and a footrub every two weeks.
Read "The 5 Love Languages" and learn to communicate your needs because NO MAN IS A PSYCHIC. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
So if someone waits for an invitation/request to perform a sexual act, they're a controlling and bad lover?
I don't think that is what she was saying. OP's H didn't say he doesn't mind, he told her he loves it. Yeah, if he really loved it so much, why does she have to ask every time?
This. It's not rocket science for a guy to get, but I guess you have to spell it out for him..