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WWYD
I've been on here a few times in the last few months. Many of you might remember me. H & I are splitting up, although I don't know how soon.
H has a history of psychological problems. In the past he had to go into counseling for suicidal thoughts - so he might have had manic depression. I'm not 100% sure but I believe he also said he was diagnosed as being mildly bi-polar at one time. Also, He's had epilepsy since he was 8, but has only had 4 seizures in his lifetime. He's 37 years old. The last seizure occurring last spring. Since the last one - I've seen quite the change in him - among some of these changes he's stated to me that - "he's lost his love for me & that he feels numb". About a month and 1/2 ago he stated that he wanted to seperate from me - then further announcing not even 3-days later he wanted to completely dissolve our marriage. Mind you, I'm coming to terms with all this - I've seen a lawyer - made copies of all our finances - made copies of his check stubs - etc. Everything the lawyer informed me that I would need to do. So I'm set for whenever he starts this. Problem is - he hasn't even started anything. No lawyer has been contacted on his end - aside from him talking to his brother and his family - nothing has been done. I guess you could say that I'm still on the fence about it so I wasn't planning on filing anything - at least not yet. I've been keeping track of his cell phone records - who he's calling - who he's texting, etc. No where have I found that he's contacted anyone for legal action. Just last week he stated that he wanted to be 'divorced' before Christmas. I honestly believe that he doesn't have a clue how this works. I take that back - I know he doesn't have a clue how this works.
Side note - he's also gone thru a dramatically stressful year. Lost a job he had for 13 years, being laid off and on unemployment for approx 3 months, had an accident in our back yard involving him getting 12 staples on his head (LONG STORY), finding & starting another job, having immense stress at this job, having a seizure, getting laid off from job, having his father hospitalized after a heart attack, getting another job only to find out we'd have to move nearly 2-hours away for it, having both his father's parents die within 2-weeks of each other, having his brother & his dad in an auto accident a day after his father came out of the hospital from having stints put in - I think that might be about it. All this happened in one year. It was after all this that he decided we needed to seperate/divorce.
This caught me by total surprise, I mean we've had our problems but divorce? Like I said - I've seen a lawyer and am doing what I need to - to protect myself. Problem is - after talking to my family - they are concerned. They think that there's something else going on here. More psychological. I almost feel I owe it to him to get his a$$ into counseling. Mainly because I don't want to see anything happen to him. I'd rather be wrong - than right meaning have him harm himself and end up in a world of hurt. I still do care - it's not like I can shut it off & I know this still could will most likely end up as going our seperate ways and I totally understand that and I know I'll be okay. But if you were in my shoes - what action would you take?
Re: WWYD
Why are you waiting for him to take legal action? Why don't you file?
You can't force his ass into counseling. If you want to give the relationship one last chance, tell him that he has to get into a counselor or you will leave. Then leave when he does nothing.
It seems like there must be more to the story. At the very least he needs significant help.
I believe in for better or for worse, sickness and health. Plus, if you love him, you will want to help him, even if you dont end up together.
I would try to get him help any way I could.
It doesn't sound like there is abuse or cheating (?).
It does sound like he is depressed. And it sounds like he has a lot of reasons to be depressed.
When you've been married this long, you need a ticker to remind you.
Baby Boy M - 08/01/2013
The bolded is important for you to realize. You can talk to him and people close to him and try to get him into counseling, but in the end, it must be his decision. You cannot force people to get counseling, people have to want help and want to change.
Im sorry but you sound like you need some counseling yourself. WTF is wrong with you? You are sitting around waiting for him to tell you when he feels like it is a good time? Do you know how pathetic that sounds? He doesnt want to be married to you anymore, he doesnt love you, yet you are still there waiting to get permission as when you can file and leave?
Sad
You cant make him go to counseling.
This is a manipulation technique.
Also YGPM.
Definitely. That said, I really hope that he does get counseling regardless of whether or not the two of you stay together. A close friend of mine sabotaged his marriage before committing suicide a couple of years ago. His wife and some of his friends even kind of knew what he was doing, but it was like watching a plane go down. He was set on the outcome.
It is beyond horrible to say, but there's a possibility that your DH just wants to tie up loose ends before doing something to himself. Either way, he needs help.
Are the two of you still living together? What's the daily arrangement? It worries me that you two have talked so little about his situation that your not sure of his diagnosis. Mental illness has a huge stigma attached to it, but if he isn't being open with you, he's probably not even being open with himself about it. It's the kind of thing that you really have to understand and willing to fight before there's any chance of recovery.
As for the WWYD part of it - I've been in a relationship with someone whose mental illness became apparent in the course of our 3 year friendship and then 1 year relationship - though we weren't married. I begged, coerced, yelled, screamed, threatened, cried and eventually let go. If he does not want help, then go find your own lawyer.
Here's the thing - if he is suffering from any of these things and they aren't being treated, of course, his mood is going to be different and he's most likely going to be saying things he doesn't mean.
We are still going to seperate, as I feel like I have to take myself out of the situation, as it is not healthy for me. But - before I go - I want to make sure he gets these things checked out. I have a feeling this isn't something that just started. It's starting to look like it's been going on for years with him. I know he said before that it was a pain in the a$$ getting his meds worked out, which is probably why he has either been reluctant to go back or maybe it just hasn't occurred to him that there's something wrong.
I definately don't want him to do something to himself and me not try to prevent it. Like I said - either way - we could still end up split up - but I want to make sure his mental status is okay.
Thanks for all your comments - I'll take it all in consideration.
Staples in head + seizure + mood disorders + everything else seems, well, sad.
Does his GP talk to his neurologist talk to his psychiatrist talk to his therapist? I mean, this all has to be connected.
I'm sorry you're going through this and it's fine to be done, it just seems all rather sad and, well, I wonder if he's really gotten the right treatment all along the line.