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Daddy Issues...
Hello 
Ok so, to make this very very brief, I'm having a bit of the Daddy blues. Like many I've grown up in a single-parent-single-income home ever since my biological father left when I was about, 3 or 4? (I'll refer to him as just "Father"). I was always the daddy's girl and it hit me very hard when my father left. my mom told me that, since I was so young, I would always wait up for him late at night thinking he would walk in any minute but when it finally hit me that he wasn't coming back I cried for days.
However a few years later my mom remarried and I had a new "Daddy" (I still call him that now even though I'll be turning 19 this saturday, and they've been separated for quite some time) and he's been such a wonderful father to me; I love him very much and he makes me feel so special. But, things happened and they had to divorce; I still don't know all the specifics; some of it was for religious reasons (which I'll go into a bit later) and it was a very hectic time but their separation was reluctant but mutual. So, since my freshman year of high school I was again without a father.
It was very hard during those years; I was in a very good college-prep program and most of the students in my class had PARENTS (as in, two). I felt like the odd one out, like I wasn't meant to be there and it was very disheartening to hear other people talk about their dads when I didn't really have one of my own. I always said to myself that I have a heavenly father, and it comforted me a little, but it was very very hard for me.
When graduation came around I saw my Father again (both him and a half-sibling which I didn't get to meet, but my sister got to talk with him); I was a little shocked and didn't recognize him at first but he told me he was proud of me and that he was sorry he never came to see me. He was a little scared of what my mom's reaction would be, which was understandable since she can be...difficult. My little brother was with me and I guess if he hadn't called out to him I never would've seen him that day. He gave me a card with $100 inside along with two messages, one from him and my half-brother and he kissed me on the cheek before he walked away. Honestly I thought I'd be mad if I saw him again since I felt like I wasn't important to him but I was pretty calm and a bit happy.
My siblings and I thought we would just keep it a secret from my mom and I slipped the $100 in her purse, but it was barely a week before she found the card and exploded. She was FURIOUS, and she said a few hurtful things but when she calmed she came back and told us that we were right not to tell her. Strangely I haven't heard from my father since then so it's left me a bit confused on how he really feels about the three of us (but like I said, my mom can be difficult and stubborn, particularly where my father is concerned).
BUT, about a month ago my stepfather called my mom up (her reaction was the complete opposite, just so you know) and at first I was a little reluctant to talk with him. I still couldn't understand why they separated, but unlike my father my Daddy called us practically everyday, checking up on us, asking how we were doing, ect. He's always been like that and I've really missed that about him; he never stopped thinking about us, and even though we weren't his biological children we were very close to his heart. He stayed with us for a few days, which again I was a bit hesitant about but after a while I grew very accustomed to it. It was just like before, and I felt happy calling him "Daddy" again, which also made him very happy as well. Now he's trying to get himself a place here where we live to be closeby (which I'm ecstatic about). As a sidenote my brother refuses to talk to him, which I can't understand...He's also become a bit spoiled and he's just a very big pain and it makes me angry how he's so cold to him but my Dad's pretty cool about it; it's just the way he is.
Now, the reason I'm feeling blue is that I really miss having a father around and I can see that my mother still loves my Dad and my dad thinks they'll remarry but she's reluctant to. I didn't explain this before but we're an Apostolic family, and in this particular doctrine once you marry that's it. My mother is free to remarry since both my Dad and my father were previously married (they're wives are still living); it's funny though, since my mom had been told before she married my father that it wasn't right but she was young and married him anyway. I actually never really had a word for our faith until the 9th grade, so when my dad left I just thought the church was taking my daddy away from me. my Dad is also a bit skeptical of our faith so that's also another reason why she won't jump back into a relationship with him. I'm also very religious and it hurts that my parents can't be together the way I'd like them to be and it's also gotten me thinking of the future: If I get married, who's going give me away? who will I have the Father-Daughter dance with? Should I bother continuing a relationship with my father? Even he's done wrong by us I still want to include him, when the time comes...Any thoughts?
Thanks,
Brittany
Re: Daddy Issues...
Lurker here, but you don't NEED to have someone give you away. You could walk yourself down the aisle. You could walk in with your fiance. Or you could always ask your mom or your brother. And you don't HAVE to do a father-daughter dance. We didn't. My dad and I don't speak. He was invited to the wedding, I was pleasant with him, but we didn't do any of the traditional father-daughter stuff. No one batted an eye.
As for the rest of it, it sounds like it's not going to work out with your stepdad and your mom, which doesn't preclude you from having a relationship with him. Your brother's relationship with your father and stepfather are his own, so be sure you don't put your own feelings on him and wonder why he doesn't react the same way you do. Honestly, I would suggest at least a couple of counseling sessions to talk about this. It sounds like you've been hanging on to these issues for a while, and it may help to talk to a (secular) counselor and get some advice for moving on. Good luck.
I'm thinking if you're about to head off to college - it's time to let the idea of 'daddy' or 'father' go.. Stop holding onto the negatives that you've been through and grasp it as a positive. You are not alone in this world when it comes to "single parent" family/income and when you find yourself in college you'll see just that. 50% of people today get divorced. Its tragic but that's life.
I am not one to back down on my own personal beliefs, but I'm also not one to judge others for their beliefs. If your mom and dad love each other then they will put that difference aside and simply be together. The acceptance rate on religion is disheartening. Why does everyone HAVE to believe the same thing to get along or be together? Eh - se la vi.
When thinking of the future wedding - be open to differences. You do not have a "traditional" life so why would you want a "traditional" wedding? As PP said you do not have to have your father walk you down the isle - you could walk yourself - or have your mom do it - someone VERY close to you - a best friend - your groom - whomever. OR you could invite both of your fathers - they both walk you down the isle - and when it comes to the "dance" do a line dance or something completely unique that leaves everyone in awe. And stop worrying about your future wedding - college first
GL
QFT
You're 19. It's time to stop worrying about Mommy and Daddy and start really engaging in your new life as an independent, separate adult.
"most of the students in my class had PARENTS (as in, two). I felt like the odd one out, like I wasn't meant to be there and it was very disheartening to hear other people talk about their dads when I didn't really have one of my own."
yeah-life sucks sometimes. you just need to learn how to get over it and learn that not everyone has the same family/life etc... you're 19 and you're dwelling on 2 major negatives in your life-rightly so-you've probably never sought any kind of professional help to sort out your feelings. it would be a great idea for you. i'm not saying this to be snarky-it' sjust the truth.
and why on earth would you slip the card in your moms purse with the $ if you wanted to keep it a secret from her?
c'est la vie
Please don't take this the wrong way but, you need therapy. I'm not trying to be snarky here but it will help you.
I grew up in a situation similar to your (minus the religious aspects). my biological father (aka sperm donor) left my mom when i was 2 for some chick he met on the internet. When i was 3 my mom remarried my step-father, who to me is DAD. for me he is the one that taught me how to swim, ride a bike and sneak my veggies to the dog. he changed my diapers and didn't leave when things got hard. when i was 10 him and my mom divorced but he stayed in my life, every weekend we went to his house. my mom is remarried again but her current husband is not a father figure to me and he knows that.
My Bio-Dad left two kids and a wife without a look back. then when i graduated high school he tried to come back into my life. for me it wasn't an option to let him in. in my eyes i had a dad who was there for me all the years this stranger missed. and now that i was 18 and the hard part was over the stranger suddenly cared about me. I DONT THINK SO!
i ended up going to therapy because my mom's multiple marriages left me with trust issues. I felt like i couldn't get close to someone because they would just leave as soon as i loved them. after a few years of therapy i realize now that i am not my parents, and i wont make their mistakes.
I met an incredible man three years ago and i love him completely and i now he is not going to run at the first sign of difficulty. We got marred in july and to answer your question about who "gave me away" i had my mom walk me down the aisle, my dad (that i grew up with) and my moms husband where both there as well but for me my mom was the only constant in my life, and i felt like she was the only one with the right to give me away. if i where you i wouldn't worry about it to much now, when the time comes you will know. maybe for you you'll have your brother do it or both fathers.
but it will be okay, just stay strong. and find someone IRL you can talk to.
I agree with others - don't get hung up on these "roles" that you think every dad should have. Every parent is different, and even the ones that are around aren't going to behave how you think a perfect mom or dad should.
I learned long ago that just because you're blood relatives, doesn't mean you'll be close. Thankfully, you can create your own "family" and put whoever in it (relatives, friends, pets) in it that you want.
And please don't get hung up on a wedding. It's one day and you're free to make the rules. My parents are still together and my dad is wonderful, however we're not a touchy-feely family, so a father-daughter dance would be torture for both of us! So I just didn't have one. Who cares? Put the people who are important to you in your wedding, regardless of their official "role".
I'm so confused by this. She was married and divorced twice but marriage is "once and that's it"? How does that work?
In any case, let your mother work her own relationship out. If you want your former stepdad to be your dad, then let him have that role in your life. Then move on...you are growing up.
Both the father and the dad had been married before, and their first wives were still alive, so in the churches eyes, both men still belonged to the wives of their first marriage, not the OP's mother.