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Between a Rock&Hard Place .. Advice Please?
At this time in my life I dont know who else to turn to discuss this and I'm hoping you ladies would be willing to give your two-cents ...
H and I are living with my parents to save $$ for our own house. We've been looking and I contact a company for a preapproval on a mortgage, to make a long story short - on the credit report they found my H has a mortgage in foreclosure. H admitted to it and said he had been meaning to tell me btu did not know it was going into foreclosure (he had signed his parents' mortgage for them a few years ago)...
Met with a lawyer today, and bascially the ILs are so far into the foreclosure there isn't much we can do to save ourselves (well more so, my H). To protect our assets they need to be transferred to my name. Once the home is sold (we are pushing ILs to agree to this) it is likely a deficiency judgment will be made against my H to cover the remaining cost to the mortgage company they don't get from the sale, meaning they will garnish my H's wages - ultimately leaving H and I to live on my income alone.
Not only do I feel betrayed that H and his family never told me any of this prior to our marriage or anything ... but I also feel a huge black cloud over H and I for quite some time (10 years? due to credit).... How will we ever move forward in life ... How will we ever get a home of our own ... be able to afford starting a family ....
My parents feel it isn't in my best interest to stay with H due to deception of this information and the way he doesn't quite stand up for himself, show ability/motivation/determination to move forward in life start a family, have a house, etc. etc.
I dont' know what to feel ... one hand I'm super pissed and ready to boot him, next minute I feel it isn't entirely his faul he didnt ask Qs and he was just being nice signing the mortgage blah blah ....
Two-cents from anyone?
Re: Between a Rock&Hard Place .. Advice Please?
Wait, are you saying that your parents told you to get a divorce because he didn't tell you he was on his parent's mortgage....way to stand by your vows. You know..good times and bad, richer or poorer, etc. etc.
I think that you need to stand by your husband and work this out. Also you never want to have to rely on 2 incomes for a mortgage. If you can't do it with just one, then don't. But that is just my opinion. You can still buy a house and just add DH to the deed I believe and have the mortgage in your name only. That way if something were to happen to either your or DH's job, you will be able to afford your house on only one income.
Also, are you 100% sure they will garnish his wages. I believe there was a law that stated that they couldn't go after homeowners after foreclosure for the difference. But that may have expired.
H and I did not get a divorce, we are still married and still living together, I'm just having alot of doubts about our future that is all. If I had known about all of this prior to getting married, would I have married him .... I dont know ... but now that we are married and we did take those vows, I do stand by them ... I just have alot of doubts about our future happiness resulting from all of this .... I'm just venting and looking for perspectives/viewpoints/thought-provoking comments ....
We met with a lawyer today that explained to us if a deficiency judgment is made against my H for the difference after a sale, then yes, they will garnish his wages. Which could potentially put a huge strain on us.
I like your point about not relying on 2 incomes to support the mortgage, I never thought of that - if we couldn't afford a mortgage on my income alone, then we shouldn't have one. I just have a lot of student loan debt which is why I was concerned ... I guess I'd have to really sit down and look at our expenses .... thansk for bringing up this point!
You married a dud.
Listen, lying by omission is still lying and that's a helluva doozy. I'm siding with your parents here - I mean, you've been with this guy for 10 years, he hasn't done anything with his life other than make piss-poor financial decisions (and you live with your parents for cryin' out loud...). He ain't gonna change, and if financial stability is important to you, well, there's your answer.
You aren't in any position to buy a house anyways if you can't support yourselves now. I know I sure as heck wouldn't be purchasing a home with someone who has a long history of financial goofs unless the mortgage was in my name alone and I could afford it on my own.
ETA: If I was in your shoes, I'd find a cheap apartment and move out of my parents' house. One, because that's what married adults should do, and two, to see if he could get his shiit together. If he pulls himself up by the bootstraps and starts correcting his past mistakes, I'd then start seeing a financial counselor together, as well as a marital one to discuss the lying issue. If none of that is up his alley and he reverts back to sad-sackitude, then, yeah, I'd probably leave him. Having a house and kids is important to me, and I wouldn't be able to adequately have that with him.
personally, i have to agree with your parents. i think this shows a real lack of charater in your H, as your parents pointed out. it doesn't matter that your H didn't think it would end up in foreclosure, the fact that he hid something like this from you is just terrible. having a life with this kind of person is sure to end up in furture disappointments.
if you want to stand by him through this, i certainly wouldn't judge you. i think in some ways it is noble. for me personally, i couldn't do it.
Your husband probably should have told you he was on their mortgage but if I remember correctly, he didn't know they weren't paying it, right? (I saw your post on the buying a home board yesterday). Is there any way at all it can be salvaged through loan mod or anything. Could you do a short sale?
ETA: I am not a big proponent of divorce except for in extreme circumstances such as abuse, drugs, cheating, etc. I don't think this qualifies.
I would be pissed. How does this not come up when you are living with your parents to save for a home???? As a signer on the loan the loan people had to be trying to contact him for payment.
I do not know if it is divorce worthy at this point but I would be very cautious as to what else he has been meaning to tell you?
First - to clarify to pp, H and I have been married only one year. We did live on our own for three years while I was in grad school but then when I got a job back in my hometown, my parents invited us to live with them to save up, so it hasn't been a 10-year downhill battle, in that case I'd probably be more pissed/upset/lost, but we are "newlywed" so I'm OK with the fact we live with my 'rents for some time to save up.
We want to do a short sale to get out of all this, but his dad would have to agree considering they are on the mortgage together, jointly. This is a struggle. Additinoally, it still creates the issue of H getting the deficiency judgment and still owing more $$ to the mortgage co.
In response to another post ... we have had no other problems in our marriage. He is very faithful, heart of gold (Which is what I think caused this problem in the beginning!), and no drug use or anything of that nature .... just this mess ...
While one side of me says stay with him, through thick and thin we are married and this isn't entirely his fault .... the other side of me says I won't have as good of a life with him as I "deserve" or feel I "deserve" (i.e., nice house, comfortable living, etc. etc.) - - though, I know not everythign can be what I dream it to be ......
I really want to beat the idea that home ownership is the Way To Go out of every American's head. It's not. Not every person should buy a home.
http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,2013850,00.html
The loan company did send mail and everything to my H, but to his parent's address where he does not liev anymore .... they threw out all the mail ... H did not know this was happening and he wasn't the type to ask questions and be on his paren'ts back ... he trusted his parents that everything was being taken care of and there was no problem..... he did not know about the foreclosure status until we ran a credit report for our own mortgage and saw it
Interesting .... thanks for sharing!
Actually, it is his fault. Burying his head in the sand and making a dumb decision doesn't absolve him of responsibility. Nor does it excuse years of lying to you.
That whole paragraph makes me so sad, especially the last sentence. You're trying to convince yourself to settle because he's a goodhearted person (and, most likely, your first love). There are lots of goodhearted men out there, but I wouldn't marry them if they weren't good partners.
And I stand by my comment that married adults don't live with their parents. I lived in my hometown for a while, but I didn't move in with my parents. If you can't afford to stand on your own two adult feet, you shouldn't be married or buying a house.
yeah, but he still didn't tell you he singed for them, right? that is the issue, not the fact that it is in foreclosure.
Your parents are right. Your H lied to you, and not about some small thing. You don't co-sign on a mortgage and then turn your back and assume all is hunky dorey. I mean really, if they needed him to co-sign he should have known they were already in trouble.
Your H can't blame anyone except himself. He fvcked up, big time.
And why would you H be the only one responsible for paying the deficit? Wouldn't his parents be equally responsible? Would he consider suing them?
Also, how old are you if you don't mind me asking?
They can choose who to sue since both are responsible for the loan. They probably would sue her H since his parents are probably "judgment proof" (ie-no income or property worth anything that isn't exempt).
This man lied to you about finances and then stuck his head in the sand and ignored something he already knew was a problem due to the fact that he had to co-sign a loan for his adult parents. To me this is indicative of how he was raised--to be financially irresponsible and ignorant to the point of self destruction.
Why did his parents need him to co-sign the mortgage anyway? Assuming you're not 20 and they're not 40 year olds still making a name for themselves in this world, what kind of irresponsible adults are they to need their son to sign for them? This to me would have been a major red flag if he had told you upfront. The fact that he hid it from you and didn't think it was a big deal is an even bigger red flag and that he ignored the situation and is now in dire financial straits is a red flag on fire!
How old are you? You already have student loan payments that you're going to have to make so it's not smart to get involved in homeownership with someone who will be unable to a be on the mortgage or contribute to it. What if he just ups and leaves you one day? Then you're completely up the creek without a paddle. This man was dishonest to you, don't buy a home for him to live in and potentially suck you dry.
If you're going to stay with him you need to get serious financial and marital counseling. He needs to stay out of his parents finances so that you can make a life together. Do not buy a house with this man.
All of this is true even if he did it to be nice to his (financially irresponsible) parents. I am sorry you are going through this.
ITA with all of this. And this is your DH's fault, if he didn't know what questions to ask than he shouldn't have signed a mortgage document.
Besides the obvious issue that you and your H didn't fully discuss one anothers financial situation, the bolded screams red flags to me on your end.
What if your H loses his job in a few years? What if you lost yours? These real life situations right off the top of my head could force you to not be able to afford a home if you depend on both salaries.
You should never second guess you marriage based on not being able to have the 'things' "you deserve". I can't say it enough that it makes me so sad that you either want to be with him, or maybe not since you can't have nice material things with him. Sad.
I completely understand you feeling betrayed by your H not telling you about doing this. That is a huge financial decision that you should have discussed together (assuming by one of your responses that you were already living together) since it ultimately effects your (you and DH) future. You have every right to be pissed.
But, this is all in the past, none of it can be changed and I think although you are hurt, this is being blown way out of proportion. Yes, you guys will have to suck it up and rent longer than you would have liked, but if he is as amazing as you say he is, to me this is just one of many bumps in the road that you will come across. Not that I agree with poor financial decisions and lack of communication regarding those decisions, this is so incredibly minor in the scope of financial issues. Once the house is completely foreclosed/sold, it will only be on his credit 7 years.
I also agree with what Kuus said...sounds like there are not enough boundaries between your parents and yourselves. And I really can't believe your parents are suggesting that you leave because of this. Yes it sucks, but life is about making mistakes, learning from them and moving on...
How old are you and your H?
How much money would your H be reponsible for paying back? 20k? More?
I would try to work this out if I were in your shoes, but I don't know if I could ever get over the lying/lack or trust. I am not sure I could ever forgive him....