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Am I the only one
I honestly didn't care about my divorce. I never cried, didn't lose weight, didn't feel like my world was falling apart, never worried about paying the rent and taking care of DD by myself.
I guess I just realized I was better off alone than with my EH. We didn't get along so I wasn't happy with him. I am happier without him.
Maybe this is why I don't date...because I don't need anyone to make me happy. I make myself happy.
It just sounds like so many of you have this "pity party, table of one" attitude and are so worried about dating, etc. My friend is like that. It drives me crazy. Every time we go out it is always about meeting a guy. I could honestly care less. But then again, she didn't want her divorce either. Maybe that has something do with it. Who knows.
Re: Am I the only one
I lost weight because I wasn't stress eating anymore. I was very confident in my decision to have him move out and for us to get divorced. I did have a few "woe is me" days, though, despite knowing it was for the best.
It sounds like you were very much over your H when you got divorced. A lot of us had the rug pulled out from underneath us, which is a very different feeling.
Do you think part of the reason you don't feel compelled to find a partner is because you already have a child? Would you feel differently if you were childless and wanted to have a child?
It just sounds like so many of you have this "pity party, table of one" attitude and are so worried about dating, etc.
This is pretty judgmental.
Every person is different, they grieve different and their relationships ended differently. I would say you are not in the norm.
I was blindsided. I was not prepared to have everything change in one day, but it did. The man I was married too lied, cheated and worse. I was in love with a monster and had no idea. So yes, I was depressed and threw myself plenty of pity parties. I also brought myself back up. My finances would not have been a problem had it not been for my X, honestly he is the reason I am in debt, but because I was smart I will be able to get out of the hole within the next year.
I do agree with you on one thing, I do not NEED a man to be happy. I am in a relationship now. I started dating a year of working on myself. I love my BF, but I do share your attitude that I do not need him. I would be sad if he was gone, but I honestly do not think I will ever be "devastated" like I was with X, because I am a lot stronger. I could live alone and be happy. My BF adds to my life, but I am complete without him.
I was happily married so the divorce caught me off guard and I went into shock and hence my "divorce diet"(but then again, I stop cooking gourmet meals for stbxh at the same time which could also be a contributing factor). However, I never cried and embraced moving on and immediately jumped into a new social life, joining events and making new friends. A lot of it has to do with the fact that I been through something worse than my divorce and I survived and knowing this, I know I can make it through this. Also, no matter what, I want my son to have a good life regardless and this is a very motivating factor.
I have also been known to be much dissociated with my own feelings; this was a coping mechanism in order for me to survive growing up so it is a tool that I subconsciously use. I am going into therapy to take the hard layers off of my heart because I truly want to be in a very loving relationship one day and it won't work if I keep a hard heart.
It's a wonderful thing that you have such a fulfilling life. You have a job, no debt, and a child. A lot of us don't have that. While I am fine with the decision I made to leave and am not looking for someone to date right now, there are a lot of aspects in my life that I'm not content with.
I had to take the first job that came along after my divorce and I hate it. The road to establishing my career is going to be a long one and I have educational debt that I'm currently too poor to start paying back. I've never had a child but definitely want to be a mom one day and that day will be a long time in the future.
I'm not sitting in the dark crying and not eating and throwing a continuous pity party. I know I'm on the right track for myself, but it still sucks sometimes. I'm glad you've got it all together, but many of us don't have all that you have. Kudos to you, but please respect when someone needs a pity party once in a while.
I honestly cannot answer that. I do know that I didn't want to have an only child. I definitely wanted more children so going by that, maybe I would feel differently. But I also wouldn't wait for a man to be a mother. I would have either adopted or gotten artificial insemination.
First of all your post is super judgmental and you should be way nicer to your friend. I will say I did have the same feelings as you as I wanted out of my marriage, it was emotionally abusive and I was lucky to come out of it pretty unscathed.
Now the first break-up post divorce was awful. I think there is a huge difference in reaction between those who are the leavers and those who are the levees.
Also there is nothing wrong with wanting someone special in your life. It's fine for me right now being single and I enjoy my life, but as the years go by, and more and more of my fun single girlfriends get married or my gay friends find their life partners and then people start having babies, I find myself the odd one out.
I want to have someone to come home to, have children with etc. I think that's a perfectly natural thing for people to want and you really shouldn't slight people for their feelings.
I experienced a lot of relief when I made the decision to divorce because it was a horrible situation, and a lot of my grieving had been done while I was still in the relationship. I didn't spend a lot of time crying or mourning him or the loss of our relationship. The most difficult thing for me was and probably still is that I would like to have more children and a family eventually.
I don't continuously throw myself pity parties or go out on the prowl for men, but I do want to meet someone again someday. Since I am only 29 years old I think the next 50 plus years would be pretty lonely if I never found love again.
It has taken me a very long time to come to grips with everything I went through, from ignoring everything that was wrong with XH because I was afraid to be alone, to dealing with the fallout of being in an abusive relationship. I also have come to the place where I am happy and content with myself, alone, which is somewhere that I have never been before in my entire life. however, that being said, I still would like to meet someone eventually and get remarried one day.
wedding, correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you have somewhat of an epiphany not that long ago where you realized that you have put up a huge wall around yourself and developed an "I don't care" attitude about dating because you are actually afraid of getting hurt? I thought you said something to this effect awhile ago and I remember thinking that it was very refreshing that you had finally gotten real with yourself.
Do you want to have another child? Or has that ship sailed?
If push came to shove and I couldn't find a suitable partner within the childbearing years I have left, I probably would go the route of artificial insemination also. But it's not ideal since I would want someone to share the joys and responsibilities of parenting with.
I don't need a man to make me happy but I do enjoy having one around. It seems like you're very closed off emotionally and judgy of other people that seem to be overly emotional. Everyone is allowed to grieve the loss of their marriage in their own way and if they eventually get to a healthy place in their life, does it really matter how they get there?
I left my marriage and knew we were not good together, but hell yes I cried, lost weight and had a pity party... at least for awhile. But I was coming out of a codependent relationship and now that I'm in a healthier place, I know that I would grieve the end of a significant relationship but probably not to such an extreme.
It's great that you don't need a man to be happy but do you think might have such a huge wall around you that you're not open to the possibility of being vulnerable with a man? It's a risk but there are so many great rewards along with the drawbacks.
I'm not saying I don't have debt and my life is perfect at all. Cause it isn't. I am just happy with it.
I'm sorry if I sound judgmental and I agree that I can be from time to time. But some of you sound so sad and it depresses me to read it. I understand that it will take time to move on but some of you (not all) just constantly whine and complain about the same things and aren't doing anything about making yourself feel better.
As far as my friend is concerned, she knows how I feel and I have told her that she needs to work on herself and stop worrying about meeting someone. She was blindsided like most of you were.
achase - I did put up a wall but it came down. I didn't have it up because I was afraid of getting hurt. I didn't get hurt with my marriage. I had it up because I didn't care. I still don't.
No way. I turned 40 this year. I wouldn't have the patience for a newborn.
I think some of the women's wounds are still fresh. This board will always have women who are sad... it is just the nature of the board. I actually see lots of positive posts! Maybe I am just a glass half full kind of lady.
THIS exactly. As someone who is relatively new to this board your post is somewhat hurtful. We come here for support and to know that we aren't the only women going through a painful time in our lives. Its very theraputic to have somewhere to go, yes even if its just a message board, to vent our feelings and sadness. Instead of coming down on everyone, you should realize that you are a very lucky woman to not have the reactions to divorce that a lot of us are having (weight loss, stress, constant crying, etc).
The decision to divorce was mine and I am completely over my STBX...however, the stress and grief I have is due to the fact that I will not see my son everyday now that we will be "sharing" him. Also, the stress of having to be the one to make the decision to do a short sale on my home and lose TONS of money is a huge burden that I will carry for a long time. I just think of all the time and effort I have put into my marriage and my home and that is why divorce is a very sad time.. to say the least.
I agree with this - the board will always have women at all stages of the process, pre-, during, and post divorce. The ones who are post- and "over it" should be the ones who can provide the most support to the ones who are pre- and during. I come to the board to OFFER advice as well as occasionally ask for it - because I feel like I have something to offer having gone through the process.
Having said that, I was also the "leaver," and though I had a few months of sadness, I had gotten part-way over the marriage before I even left it, so I didn't have to go through the period of shock that many, if not most, women here did. I consider myself lucky, and I would never prance around talking about it or asking "why isn't everyone else reacting like I did?" (and I consider it kind of insensitive that you seem to be doing that in your OP).
It's cool. I mean, I think you should just be thankful for the control you have over your emotions re: your divorce, etc. There are other people who have had a similar experience, yes, but obviously not everyone does. And that's okay.
We cool, we cool..
Please forgive me if I am really off but perhaps your wording on how it depresses you to read some of the sad stuff other ladies are going through is actully a trigger that you have not yet dealt with your real authenic feelings? It is definetly making an impact on you one way or another otherwise it would not have bothered you. Mabye you are purposely not gettng in touch with those feelings because you know they are going to hurt? I do know one thing for sure is that nothing lasts forever, even feelings.
It was stressful. I had 3 - 4 months of hardcore "am I doing the right thing" feelings. Once I went to therapy, it got much better.
I gained weight. I wish I had lost some.
I was more financially worried than I was emotionally worried for myself.
But overall, it is the best decision I ever made. Hands down.
Perhaps this is why I am so hesitant to marry my awesome SO? Or I'm just not ready...
I think everyone handles life events differently.
I would have thought I would have responded more like you as I am an independent woman who tends to be more rational than emotional in all aspects of life so honestly I'm a little taken aback by my level of grief/emotion.
I am devastated that my marriage is over. To the point where I am physically sick (At first it felt like the floor was literally shifting under my feet, I'd become dizzy and sick to my stomach - that initial reaction has thankfully passed). I married my best friend who promised to be a great father. I ended up with a man who did not adjust to as I expected to parenting, began to emotionally distance himself, and then sought out the single life shortly afterwards. I would NEVER have predicted this.
I have no plans to date and will be happy to just focus on my boys and my career indefinitely.
I will adjust and probably have a better life after everything settles but the pain, at times, right now is indescribable.
Once i made the decision to file, I was ok with it and never shed a tear. But 2011 had already had so many downs that I was ready for anything to happen. STBXH lost his job in Feb due to drug use, March we found out my 22 year old brother had nasalphalangeal cancer and was a stage 4, April my dad had to have 2 verti in his neck replaced with rubber stoppers (brother threatened to no do chemo if dad canceled his apointment), April-I found out I was pregnant, May we had a freek snow storm of 6 feet in one night then it all melted the next day and we ended up with water in our house, my parents and my brother's house. June STBXH caused my misscarriage, and moved out. July was calm Aug 1 STBXH was served with papers. I know i am better off with out him, and have my family by my side. October I got a restraining order on STBXH and we found out my brother's tumor is gone, hopefully in Jan we find out the cancer is gone too. and hopefully Dec 11 we will get the good news that STBXH is in contempt and the judge will grant the divorce! It is different for everyone. We had been together for 10 years married for 2, but the 8 years before the marriage were the best years with him.
Not everyone has a sense of relief when their marriage is over. Even if you are the one to end it, it is not always a choice that you want to make. I ended my marriage, but I stilll mourned the life we used to have and the life I had imagined for us when we got married. Sure, it was a relief to not deal with the BS portion of our relationship, but that doesn't mean you won't have moments of despair when recalling the good times. IMO, it's part of being a human to be upset and depressed after losing someone you once loved, even if you don't anymore. Sometimes you love and care for a person, but you know that you can't be together for whatever reason.
Also, what is so wrong with wanting a new companion? I myself have been single for years, but I get wanting to search for a new partner and dating potential men.
WTF wedding18, are you high?
There are a lot of people on this board. Some of them have been divorced for a couple years, some are thinking about divorce, others are going through it. Some women decided to leave, others were left and blindsided. In other words, we each have our own story and our own way to deal with it. If you think this board is full of complaining women, then post somewhere else.
No Land, I am not "high" just voicing my opinion. some of the ladies on here sound truly pathetic and do rather pathetic things in my opinion, such as contacting the OW. Not saying everyone is complaining but some of the ladies on here are really whiny and instead of commenting on everyone's post, I chose to generalize.
This is a public board and I am entitled to openly voice my opinion. You may not agree with it but I don't really care. I will not stop posting on here.
I think everyone is different, how they handle things, their personalities, and their situations are different, so divorce is harder on some people than others.
i was the one who wanted the divorce, i was on cloud 9 the moment i had made up my mind and told him, i never cried either. I felt nothing for him at that point besides pity and occassionally disdain.