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Self esteem issues?
My FI and I have been having some issues when it comes to sex. It's been going on for awhile and somehow it has spiraled out of control to the point where we just don't talk about it. I hate it because we used to have a great sex life! When we first got together, he was the best I've ever had.
Once we moved in together (a year+ ago) and I really got comfortable in the relationship, I gained some weight. Not a ton, but about 15 pounds. I've always had trouble with my body. I've never been "overweight" but I've always been self conscious. My FI always tells me I'm beautiful and thin but I can't wrap my head around it. I think our sex life started to dwindle when I gained the extra weight.
He still tries to initiate it but I always find a way out of it. And when we do have sex I feel like he doesn't care as much anymore about pleasuring me because I don't really want to have sex to begin with. I don't understand what's wrong with me! I have a wonderful fiance who compliments me all the time about how beautiful I am yet I'm still self conscious. Self conscious enough that I don't even want to have sex.
I just want to get back to where we were in the beginning. We really did have great sex and there's no reason why we can't have great sex again. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get over these self esteem issues and just go for it? The tension between us keeps building and I know it's my own fault but I can't break the mold. Help...?
Re: Self esteem issues?
Maybe you should see a threapist to nip this issue in the bud; sounds like a bit of a self esteem/low confidence issue to me. GL>
FFS. If she's not even overweight, then she doesn't need Weight Watchers.
cms, why is it that you feel that you need to look a certain way in order to deserve, or even have, sex? On some level, is female sexuality to you more about being observed and desired than about being present in your body and enjoying sensations?
If this really bothers you then watch what you eat and excercise ten minutes a day. If you have only gained 15 pounds then it shouldnt be hard to loose. After my son I kept on around 15 pounds and when it finally really started to effect my self esteem I researched excercise in the areas I needed to loose weight to feel good about myself agian. Then I started a quick 5 minute daily excercise of 10 reps of 5 different motions. I also Watched what I ate. I dont consider this dieting, just watching what I stuff in my mouth. By making these two small changes I lost 10 pounds and muscled up considerably. I dont think you have a big self esteem problem. Your just like any other girl who wouldnt be happy gaining 15 pounds. Try this and when it starts to work keep at it. Dont stop and think the weight will magically stay off. I believe your sex life will lift back up when you see results, unless there is more to your problem. Good luck
Well, I want him to be attracted to me. Even though he verbally says he is, I still feel like I'm unattractive. I have a picture in my head of what I used to look like, and what I look like now. I haven't gained that much, but I feel like I used to be ten times more attractive. I guess I have it stuck in my brain that if I don't see myself as attractive than how can he?
ReturnoftheKuus got it on the head it sounds like.
cms, sounds like you have an image of what you, as sensual, sexual woman, look like, and when life changes your body shape, you feel as if you are no longer that sexual woman. Instead of having your sexuality depend on your looks, try to discover what it is about that is sexy. Do you smile when you're enjoying sex? Do you laugh? Do you make cute sounds? Again, note that I didn't say to ask your partner, ask yourself. What do you do that makes you feel sexy.
If that's difficult at first, trying wearing something to bed that makes you feel sexy. But I recommend spending some time reflecting on what is sexy about the inner you, as corny as that may sound. You're more to your sexuality than just your appearance.
You need therapy. Like yesterday.
You are allowing your self esteem issues come between yourself and your fiance and a healthy sex life. You know that this is destroying your romantic relationship - let's look at this from his perspective: You guys fall in love, have a great sex life, move in together and then you start avoiding sex. Wonder if he is starting to feel like you don't find *him* attractive?
Get to the root of this before it destroys your relationship.
Agreed! You need to talk to someone ASAP! There is NO shame in going to counseling at all and I think it is the best thing for you to do. I struggle all the time with self esteem issues and I decided to go to a counselor just before the wedding because the planning stress started to increase the problem. I am so glad I talk to someone and I feel so much better about everything and more comfortable in my own skin. The biggest difference between your situation and mine is that my self esteem didn't really effect our sex life but had I let it go further then I did it would have. Face the problem now and find ways to eat better and feel more comfortable with yourself and please stop weighing yourself for a little while just make changes to your day to day life to improve your health and see how you feel not how much you weigh. I am not telling you to never weigh yourself again just stop for now and make changes to feel better, I say this because if you are like me you can feel good after you eat a healthy meal and workout but the second you step on the scale all that feel good goes away thus stoking the negative fire inside.