Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: A humble lurker offering
That is a good one.
Who are you and why do you lurk? I think you should come out and play.
LMFAO!!!!
Now I am going to go read the thread. *rubs hands together evily*
IMHO, when the children have grown up and moved out, I've noticed many empty nesters feel like they need to provide...so they don't feel left out. They still want to help the family. I don't know what this feels like (yet), but I tell DH that I can't imagine for 18+ years helping out your children, and then one day letting them go to be financially independent. Personally I would still try to help if I could...at least I would offer.
To me, mother helping to bring over things...is harmless. Not something to take her aside and tell her they feel its charity. Maybe he wants to provide for his own family, okay I get that, but when your wife needs socks...you don't say, "You have enough." Kinda douchey
The main reasons are that I rarely feel like I have much useful to contribute to the conversation since you all have this on lock down, and that I don't get to be consistently on here. Some days it's often, and sometimes I'm off for days. So I pop in and out and read things when I have time. I'll feel less creepy posting now that I've said hi though.
Do. We don't bite. Often.
At some point, it has to stop. I think it's okay for your children to be aware that you are there to support them, but I think you can do a pretty severe disservice to them if you continue to help them out or offer to help them out. Part of being a parent is being able to let your child(ren) go and give them the independency they need to make it on their own without you.
I got the feeling that the towels at least were just a gesture from the mom to help them settle in. My grandmother bought me a dishtowel, oven mitts and set of wine glasses when I moved in to my apartment because she asked what I needed and those were the things at the top of my mind that I hadn't bought in the 3 days we'd been in the new place.
When DH and I bought our house, my parents came over and helped do some work on it before we moved in. They took a trip to the hardware store while I was at work to pick up some things (change the locks for us, garage door openers, light bulbs) and let us keep it as a housewarming gift. It's not that they doubted we could afford it on our own, it's just that they wanted to make a nice gesture.
I also don't think bringing food items that can't be purchased locally could be considered not letting go and letting their children live independentaly. I buy my mom a pound of Dunkin Donuts coffee everytime I go to visit because she can't get it in our hometown. It's just a nice thing to do.
If the parents were paying the bills and buying lavish appliances all the time, that'd be one thing, but a few towels and food items at Thanksgiving should not be considered charity.
DH and my mom have a friendly running feud because they have very different ideas about what a necessity is. My mom shops at Costco. My husband was raised by people who wash their zip-lock bags.
But they are two well-adjusted people with a great relationship. That's the difference here. Their ideas of what is appropriate is absolutely not the problem in the other thread.
So if DH and his MIL have a problem, they talk to each other. It also helps that if my mom gives us a gift, it's a gift and not a crazy power grab.
It's nice because I get to stay out of it.