Starting Over
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Kinda a poll
Were you a trainwreck during, after your marriage, or both?
I was definitely a trainwreck/clusterfvck situation during my marriage. Unbelievable the things I did to get that man to love me and respect me. But once I was done, I was done. I spent the last two years of our 8 year relationship (married for 5) going to therapy and getting my ish together. Once I left, I continued with my therapy and rebuilding my life. I had zero trainwrecky situations during my split and divorce. I was just done with the drama. And to date, I don't date drama even if I am casually dating. I am all dramad-out.
Re: Kinda a poll
Both. I did some crazy shiit when we were married. I am normally a very good communicator but it's embarassing the levels I stooped to trying to get him to talk to me. He would just shut down completely and act like I didn't exist. I remember shouting at him, pulling on his arms, all trying to get him to talk to me (why I dunno). He locked me out of the house one night and i crawled through our bedroom window to get back in (again, a proud moment).
After my divorce I felt like I held it together somewhat but there was so much drama still dealing with the visitation days. Times were always changing. He wouldn't leave when he was supposed to. He would show up and behave erratic. Knowing what I know now I definitely would have handled things differently.
I also think that I was on a fast track to just get into another relationship and I thank my lucky stars everday that nothing ever happened in that department (when I was in that frame of mind). I really just needed to be alone and focus on myself and my child. Being in a relationship was the last thing I needed.
Now I am in a much better place and, while I'm sure there's always more I can learn, I live a calm, drama free life and I intend to keep it that way.
Oh hell yeah, I was a trainwreck.... It began when I started counseling and realized how screwed up our relationship was... after I moved out about a year ago there were still some trainwreck moments but they tapered off around July/August and I've been living the drama free life since and couldn't be happier.
Ick... just remembering some of the things I said and did make me cringe but if I had to go through it to get to where I'm at it was worth it.
I was maybe a closet trainwreck? lol. I'm embarrassed at the things I put up with, and at the time, I didn't tell anyone what was going on.
We're JUST starting our separation, so we'll see how things go. I think I'll be ok.
Oh my train wreck self was all over TIP. I was a large, gaping wound. It took me the better part of a year to gain acceptance of the situation and get back to my normal self. Honestly, the only thing that stopped me from making some colossal mistakes was my pride. I refused to let XH see me break. Counseling helped a lot too, from the healing side of things. I needed to dig into the Why and How before I could move on. And I needed to get my self esteem back before I could date. I truly considered myself unworthy of any man....if a loser like my XH didn't want me, and I wanted him, WTF was wrong with me? That was the lengthiest process. I still struggle with it, but that's another subject.
So, yeah, I can relate to the train wreck milestone of the grieving process. It's what you do from there that's important. Do you sit down in your muck and defend it, or do you recognize that you're wallowing in shiit, stand up, and walk away?
I know I was. I was constantly anxious. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Had to beg for his attention, just like achase said. I felt like I was the nerdy girl in school trying to impress the big man on campus. I even stopped watching shows/movies I liked so I could sit with him and watch whatever he wanted - it was the only way I got to spend any time with him. I felt like I was always putting on some kind of crazy show to try to get him to notice me. One year on Mother's Day when he did absolutely nothing (no gift, no card, no breakfast, not even getting up with our son, who was a baby at the time), I threw a plate of pancakes in the floor to get his attention because he was stonewalling me. CRAY-ZAY! I know now he was having an affair at that time, which I didn't know then. He has a certain behavior he exhibits when he's cheating. The night I found out he was cheating with a coworker, he was egging me on and being verbally abusive and rather than completely lose my shiit on him, I poured out the beer he was drinking, which is only available in 1 place in the entire US, which happens to be across the country from us.
Now, it sucks that he's left me with 2 kids to raise on my own, but my anxiety has been cut by about 75%. I never realized he was the catalyst for all that, I thought it was ME! I thought I was going crazy. Now I feel healthier than I have felt in 10 years. I also don't have the urge to throw perfectly good plates and beer and breakfast food in the floor. LOL
I honestly don't think I was a trainwreck before or after? I mean, I felt like a train hit me right after the divorce for a few weeks, but I then learned to pick up and move on with my life...I handled the divorce as best as I could, while still getting a few things off my chest to XH.
I don't feel I was a trainwreck during my marriage either. Ultimately, I just think we weren't happy. There wasn't anything bad or desperate about it. I remember people often saying "Oh, you must be in the honeymoon period!" during the first year we were married. I never felt like that except during our actual honeymoon of 1 week. I remember people saying that being married was the greatest thing ever! And I kept waiting and waiting for that feeling to come...and it never did.
I didn't realize how happy and stress free life should be until quite a bit after the divorce.
I wasn't really a train wreck but I've been through a lot of bad stuff in my life so this was just another thing to get through. I thought I did a really good job of hiding how miserable I was but after I found out that I really didn't hide it well at all.
Definitely during my marriage! The amount of crazy stuff I put up with and did because of his addiction was insane. Without going into detail, I'm very lucky that neither of us got in trouble. I put up w happy ending massages and was so manipulated that it wasn't until recently that I actually realized it was cheating!
I put up with so much and thought I was crazy for being upset and miserable. So happy I woke up from that nightmare!
Definitely during and after. I was always taking care of things. I worked 2 jobs to pay of HIS debt and give HIM money to go out and have fun. Then after he left me with a 2 month old, I was in this phase described by my family as a walking zombie. I couldn't take care of myself let alone my child. I didn't eat for 2 months and threw up everyday from being so upset. I finally got to a point where I became so mad at him that it snapped me out of my zombie like state, I took charge of my career and taking care of my son. I did however turn his world upside down like he did mine and wiped him clean, ruined his career and left him with nothing.
3 years later, I'm over my marriage, damnn sure over him and doing really well for myself and DS. I'm also at a point in my life where I'm able to hold my head up through whatever comes my way.
I wasn't ever married, but here are my experiences.
Trainwreck? Yes. During the relationship I would do all shorts of BSC things to get him to pay attention to me. After we broke up it got a little better but didn't help that we were still sleeping together. Fast forward to me being pregnant. Imagine a 7 month pregnant woman with a belly banging on some guys apartment window to get him to talk to you because he wouldn't answer his phone. Yep, that was me. I'm not proud of it at all.
Thank God I got over that before DS was born. I feel very calm now and see no reason to EVER be in a position to act that way again.
Neither for me. I didn't have much emotion going through the divorce process. I felt sad on my divorce day but at no time did I think the world was ending.
I have had my moments here and there where I get sad and shed a tear or two but I hardly consider this a trainwreck situation.
I would never say I was a trainwreck, but I was allowing behavior that I would never allow now. I had a bit of denial, and should have stood up for myself more often. Though I neer acted trashy, or like a complete idiot. I got a lot of info all at once, since it was delivered from the police, but had I found even ONE of the things he had hidden from me I would have left just the same. I got right into therapy and came back stronger than ever.
I never ignored my THEN deal breakers. I have more deal breakers now, since I can recognize emotional abuse a lot better than before. I used to think it had to be verbal toungue lashings and bullying... now I know it can be much more subtle and manipulative.