Starting Over
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Leaving on Saturday
After lurking on this board for a long time, I will finally be joining you. I have finally found the strength and courage to leave my controlling, manipulative, and emotionally abusive husband. An old friend (who is also recently divorced), is letting DS and I stay with him until I can figure out a place for us to live.
I'm nervous, because I'm moving out Saturday while my husband is at work, and he has no idea I'm leaving. I didn't want to tell him because I knew he'd just get angry and try to talk me out of it.
I'm scared, because I have no job, and without the generosity of this friend (who is my best friend's brother, and like a brother to me, also), I would have no place to go, either. I'm scared to start all over, even though I'm excited, too. I'm mostly scared of how my husband is going to react when he gets home and sees that we're gone. Do I leave a note? Do I answer his phone calls? I'm so nervous, and I'd really appreciate any advice from anyone who has been in this situation. How did you handle it and also, how do you wish you would have handled it?
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Re: Leaving on Saturday
Have you talked to an attorney at all? I would be careful about just packing up and leaving without telling him. In some states that wouldn't fly. I was the leavee (not a word, but you know what I mean) rather than being the leaver, but the FIRST piece of advice I got was to not leave my home because it could be seen as me giving up my rights to it. Just be careful and make sure you're protected!
I wish you the very best of luck!
I don't know your situation but have your talked to a lawyer? I'd get legal advice before
1) leaving the martial home (if you own it)
2) taking DS away from your StbX
Imagine you came home and he and DS were gone? Also moving in with a man (even if it is 100% platonic) will not look good in the eyes of a judge when your StbX is arguing for custody.
I don't care about the house - it's in his name only, and that's not really a concern, but I just really feel like this is my only option to be able to leave. The situation I'm in right now is not good for my son or for me, and I just know if I don't go on Saturday, I'll be stuck here for many more months/years. I haven't talked to a lawyer because I can't afford one, and I'm hoping that staying with my friend won't affect custody, because honestly, me leaving is definitely in my son's best interest, and I'm hoping it will only be for a month or two until I can save up enough for a security deposit on an apartment.
Really - it is so important that you talk to a lawyer BEFORE you move out. Sometimes whoever leaves the marital home can affect the entire divorce. You should be able to get a free/lo cost consultation with a family law attorney who can explain to you exactly what the ramifications of your choices will be.
You have come so far, take this final step to make sure you aren't shooting yourself in the foot. You can probably get an appointment before Saturday.
If you and your son are in danger, I would not hesitate to leave. If that is the case, please call a domestic violence agency or women shelter in your area for help with your legal rights. I didn't have to pay as it was provided by the agency.
I was in this unfortunate situations and one day left right away with nothing beside the truck I got away in. The domestic violence agency has helped me with the paperwork and legal stuff. They did it all and I didn't have to have contact with my ex husband ever again. I didn't have a child then but it is not okay to leave the child in danger either.
I agree that you need to talk to a lawyer before you move on Saturday. You have plenty of time, call a lawyer and see if they will help you find someone that will let you pay on a sliding scale or someone who will give you initial advice for free.
I agree--first call a lawyer. Tell them the situation quickly in hopes that you can get a free consult.
But, if you feel like you are in danger, do not hestitate to leave and do not answer his calls. Limit the number of people who will know where you are to only those absolutely necessary. If you fear he may become violent with you, he may become violent with others to get to you. The safety of you and your DC are the most important thing when you decide to leave an abusive relationship.
If for some reason your exit plan does not work, it does not mean that you're stuck in this situation. Saturday is not a magical day--you can leave whenever you want, whenever you are ready. What is so special about Saturday that you want to leave then? Talk to a lawyer, see what the best exit strategy is. The lawyer may suggest cleaning out half of the joint bank account, filing for divorce that day, filing to seize his assets, etc. Be prepared to do what you need to do.
Before you leave, make copies of taxes, financial statements, and take birth certificates and passports for your and your DC. If your abusive H is like any of ours, he may withhold these things from you to get what he wants.
Please report back when you're safe and/or have talked to an attorney.
ETA: If your H knows you're on this website, delete where you said you will be staying. Please.
First of all, congrats on making the first step, I know it is hard! Ts and Ps heading your way!
Second, agree with PP!!!! Contact a lawyer! And a DV agency. I am not a lawyer but I would wonder if you can legally take your DS away from H without telling him. Is that considered kidnapping? I know you are scared but decisions you make now could affect your for years. Thoroughly research before you do this. I would think a DV agency could direct you to a lawyer who could give you advice for cheap.
I would leave a letter, but I wouldn't tell him where you are staying.
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
I don't have any further advice to add to what the other ladies have posted. I just want to wish you luck and to keep your strength and resolve up. You've no doubt have gone through a lot already. Best of luck with the next few days/weeks!