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I think my marriage is over...
I'm really struggling with this, but if I dig deep down I'm pretty sure we're getting divorced.
We have a young son (see ticker). I'm currently a SAHM, but have very employable skills (teacher). We are young in general - I'm 25, H is almost 25. I have no family here, in this state - all of my family lives 3,000 miles away. I am thoroughly heartbroken, but I know that from this point forward it is his choice. I have done everything that I can do, so at least I am at peace with that.
Does anybody have any advice? I have a phone consultation with a divorce attorney tomorrow, just so that I have a better understanding of *if* my H chooses divorce where that will leave me and what that will mean.
Has anyone else here been the one who didn't want the divorce?
My heart is breaking...
Re: I think my marriage is over...
You both have a choice in this. He can ask for a divorce, as well as you can. I fail to see how you think you have no voice in your marriage.
Sit down with your spouse and talk. You need to be honest and upfront, and ask your H where your marriage is headed.
If you believe your marriage has ended, and it is time to move on, then you should initiate the divorce, not wait for him to make the decision for both of you. Make the decision together.
Either way, the two of you will have to communicate - you have a child together, and that is something that will not ever change.
I feel for you - it is an awful place to be in. Been there, done that, have the divorce decree. It is not easy or fun.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I didn't see my divorce coming and I was happy in the marriage. It was practically overnight that my stbxh completely rejected me in every way for who knows what reasons. It has been 5 months since the news and I was so heartbroken but yet I am doing really well right now. We have a 14 months old son together.
The best thing you can do is to take care of yourself, know your rights with a lawyer and get everything in writing (you get what you negotiate for and not what you rightly deserve).
What is helping me going through this is to focus on what was important each day at a time and try to do things/activities that are healthy for my son and I. I also immediately went looking for a good therapist and have been seeing her weekly for the last 5 months and it?s been a lifesaver.
I don't want a divorce - he is the one considering it. That is why I say the choice is his. I know that I have a choice, but my choice is to stick together and work through things.
We have had plenty of talks, and when I ask where our marriage is headed he says "I don't know." I still love him, I am happy (aside from when he goes from "hot" to "cold" like he is right now), I love our life together. I don't want a divorce. But he claims that he is unhappy. Then we fight, make up, and go on being happy, he tells me he loves me, he does the little things, etc. And then a switch flips in him and he goes from being happy to unhappy and unsatisfied with how things are.
So, he is making a decision. He is confused about how he feels about me - he "loves me as a sister, not a wife" or so he says.
We have plenty of talks, but sometimes they just don't go anywhere. He is a thinker and it takes him a long time to come to a decision, or to find the words to express how he's feeling. I find this incredibly frustrating, as I want to talk until the problem is resolved, but I know that that is not what works best for him. He does have trouble putting his feelings into words more often than not.
So, I know I have a choice. But right now the choice is his - I just need to know if I'm going to have a partner who is working on bettering our relationship/marriage as much as I am, or if he's going to choose to not work at it and go through with the divorce.
And you're right. This is an awful place to be in, and it is certainly not easy, nor is it fun.
Thank you, it is comforting to know that I am not alone. I know that we have had our problems, but I want to work through them, however long that takes. He is losing patience/can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I think a therapist is on my list of things to find as well.
I am currently going through the same thing with my H right now. I moved to my parents house a few weeks ago so we are currently separated. This was all his decision, I wanted to stay and work on things but he did not.
After trying to change his mind for months, I eventually gave up and decided I can't fight a battle with no one to fight against.
Why does your H want the divorce? Is it a major issue you two have or a few small ones? Was this sudden or did you see it coming?
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I was not the one who wanted the divorce, but my husband made it hard for me to do anything else. He left for another woman, although he denies that she's the reason. Our youngest son is only about a week younger than your child. When he first threatened to leave, our baby was 9 months old.
Is he open to the idea of you moving back home? I hate to bring that up, and from someone whose husband has chosen to live across the country from his kids, it's NOT easy to do on a day-to-day basis...but I also know that it's not easy to be a single mom with no support system nearby. My family has been WONDERFUL throughout this whole thing.
I could've written this word-for-word. In the beginning, I didn't want my marriage to end. XH moved out and on with his life, leaving me little to no choice. Over the course of a few months I came to realize that he wasn't the person I wanted to be married to, and I filed for divorce. I'm 1000x times happier today than I EVER was in my marriage.
Yep, that's exactly where I am now! I remember when we were first separating and I saw your sig that said "When 3 become 2 life has never been better" and thought I'd never get to the point where I felt that way, but I really do. He'll be here for his visitation in a few weeks and I DREAD him jacking up the really great groove we've got now. The kids and I are all happy, and we're all doing so much better. Less anxiety all around, less tantrums for DS, you name it. I keep remembering all the bad stuff, and it just solidifies for me how much better off we are all going to be when this is all behind us!
He wants the divorce because he "isn't happy." In my opinion, you choose to be happy with what you have/don't have, or you choose to be unhappy with what you have/don't have. He's brought up divorce before, saying I was selfish (not cleaning enough, not cooking enough, on the computer/phone too much, etc.) and I have changed all of those things. So now I feel as though he's seeking an alternative reason to not be happy with me/our marriage/our life. His parents also enthusiastically encourage him divorcing me - needless to say, I haven't been on the best terms with them in the past, but am trying my darndest now (and have been for a while).
We have worked through all of our issues. No more financial disagreements (how one or the other of us spends money), very rare parenting disagreements (we had quite a few when our son was first born), we communicate well, we fight fair, I have done the best I can to make amends with his parents, etc. What the biggest underlying issue is is that he believes he is no longer IN love with me - which is mostly caused by him being unable to forgive me for the hurt I caused him in the past (with his parents, mostly). I also have quite a bit of weight to lose, and I think that that may change how he feels about me, too (as shallow as that sounds), but it is a slow progress. On the upside, I am down 8 pounds in the last 2 weeks!
It's always sudden. We've had these kinds of conversations before, but they always resolve with us making up, him promising to "do better," him resolving to push divorce out of his mind and be happy with our lives and perhaps revisit divorce in 6+ months (long enough to see if "trying" is working or not). But he goes from hot to cold in the biggest way possible. Sunday night we were saying I love you's, Monday morning he was hugging and kissing me on his way out the door, saying he couldn't wait to see us for lunch. By Monday evening, I could tell things were changing. By Tuesday he had gone cold. So, it's always sudden when it happens because things go from being SO good to the complete opposite with really no warning signs.
I'm sorry you were put in that situation.
This is the hardest part - he wants to remain friends. He wants to have a great relationship with one another. He wants to be amicable. That is all fine and dandy - I hope that we can remain friends for the sake of our son. However, I truly believe it to be in my best interest to move home. To get back on my feet, to have my family's support (my dad and two younger sisters, unfortunately my mom has passed away), to be able to grieve the loss of my marriage as well as have the heartache of our "break up." To have a stable support system not only for myself but for my son as well. I know that this will break H's heart to not see his son every day, but that is when I have to get "mean" and tell myself that he is making the choice right now (to get a divorce) to not see me/his son every day.
I don't think that I could do it here as a single mom. My support system is H. And if we get a divorce, I know that I won't be able to move on properly with him still fulfilling my "support system" role.
ETA: sorry, I didn't finish my original thought.
I feel horrible pulling DS from H, but I believe that that will be the best move for myself. Right now, H is fine with me moving back home. However, he is also under the impression that we will just "pass" DS back and forth about every 2 months. I don't quite have the heart to tell him that that's not how it works, and that would NOT be in the best interest of everyone involved, particularly our son.
I think I am slowly coming to realize that H isn't the person I want to be married to. He is no longer the same person that I did marry. I can hold out hope that things will get better, but I know that that is simply a hope that may/may not come true. That's not to say that if he came home from work and said "I'm sorry, I love you, let's make this work" that I wouldn't be jumping for joy on the inside. But by him becoming "cold" and truly showing me how he feels about me, it is becoming easier for me to distance myself from him and slowly view him differently. I know it will be a long, sad road of heartache to truly get over him and our marriage. I can only hope that, at some point, I can also say that, like you, "I'm 1000x times happier today than I EVER was in my marriage."
This is exactly how my STBXH acted as well. He was all over the place with what he wanted. His decision that he wanted a divorce was made after just days after he was telling me how much he loved me. I swear he has some sort of personality disorder because of how hot and cold he runs.
Right now I'm feeling so relieved to be away from that craziness. It's impossible to live with someone who never knows how they feel about you day to day. It was so emotionally draining and very toxic. I would really love if he would see a dr about his moods but he doesn't think anything is wrong with him.
I know how tough this is but I think eventually you'll be happier when you're not on this roller coaster with him. I miss my H terribly but now that I'm not living with him, the stability has made all the difference in the world. Just try to take things a day at a time and put yourself and your child first. Don't let him take you on his roller coaster ride of emotions.
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I am willing to bet that "WE HAVE WORKED THROUGH ALL OF OUR ISSUES" really means You have done all the changing in this marriage.
My marriage was exactly like this. He would complain about something, I would fix it and then he would find something else to complain about. It was also a very roller-coaster relationship where I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I also got the "I am not in love with you" line so many times I can't even count. I get it. You don't want your marriage to end. However, I left because I finally realized the following things:
1) He does NOT love me and never will love me the way I needed to be loved
2) I was prolonging the inevitable. I could have dragged on that relationship for another 10 years if I wanted to but that is exactly what I would have done. We would have divorced eventually. Better now, when I am still young and have a lot to offer to myself and someone else.
3) Marriages shouldn't be that hard.
4) My ExH was a selfish manipulative jerk so he was never going to file for divorce. He just got his kicks (self-esteem) from seeing me agonize over the instability of our relationship
It took me a while to get out because I needed to get my head screwed on right and my finances together. Please please go to therapy because even if you are not ready to leave now, you will find yourself again and you will get the strength to leave instead of waiting for your H to make the decision for you. He never will. He is selfish. This situation is working well for him.
I think most of us can identify with you. My XH did the hot-and-cold thing before asking for a separation. I can see now that he was trying to force those feelings, but they didn't really exist. He'd be able to "pretend" for a couple of days, and then he was back to his miserable azzhole self. My heart broke when he moved out, but it was almost a relief in a way. It gave me time and space to really see what the marriage looked like. I came to realize I had put up with much less than I deserved. It took me a while to get over the hurdle that divorce =/= personal failure. But, when I reached my max in terms of what I was willing to endure, I'm the one who filed for divorce. I knew there was no coming back from the hurt and the pain he had caused.
In my case, the hot/cold and "I'm unhappy" and "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" were all because he had a young woman he was dating, but didn't know which of us he wanted. I made the choice easier for him.
I spent months in that awful no-man's-land of separated-but-working-on-it. I lost a ton of weight and did the whole self-blame thing too. I literally thought I could keel over and die from the sheer heartbreak of it all. It really wasn't until my therapist told me that I needed to take control of my own life, and stop letting it happen to me, that the lightbulb started to turn on over my head. I felt SO much better when I did. A marriage, well, a happy one at least, shouldn't be that hard. No one should have to try to love their spouse.
I think if you recognize that his "hot" periods are him faking it in hopes that his heart will follow, you'll gain better clarity on the situation. He doesn't want to be the bad guy and end the marriage (at least at this point), so it's up to you to end the emotional torture. I think you know the divorce is inevitable regardless, so why waste more time in your misery?
I think your main concern right now should be where you are going to live if you do get divorced. If your family lives 3,000 miles away it is probably going to be legally difficult for you to move and take your child there. Is that something you have considered?
I just quoted these parts from Bowie's post, as I think she is right on.
I had a similar situation with my ex-common law partner, in that he never could move past some anger and resentment he had for a couple issues (though he said he had) and he turned away from me, rather than toward me. He would try and force things, to a degree, but it was never quite enough. While he was never "cold" or threatening of ending it, or even an azzhole, he would become more distant and there was a severe chasm between us.
I finally had enough - reached my own max limit and was emotionally on empty so had in many ways already grieved our relationship ending - and it all came to a head one day where I pushed at him to be honest with me, and he finally was honest that his heart was not in it, he still held too much resentment and had shut down and had no desire to work through things, though he still had continued to say he loved me, and I moved out from our home that night and stayed with my parents.
I am grateful that things ended. It was a huge burden off my shoulders I did not even know was there. I had spent months, heck, a couple years, trying to be the best possible partner I could be and where there were criticisms I gave 110% to "fix" it from my end. Thing was, I was constantly afraid of rocking the boat or asking for what I needed - and there certainly were things. I gave, gave, gave and asked for nothing, and it was not enough. I continued to be rejected. He was unwilling to go to counseling, or even read any books with me, etc. We could hang out as friends comfortably, but intimacy was out of the picture.
Truly, it was amazing to finally have things at an end and to be me again. I felt 1,000 times better being on my own again and I also met my now-husband a while later, and WOW, what an amazingly different experience altogether to be in such a healthy, emotionally connected and aware relationship with an emotionally mature and self-aware man. I am accepted, loved, cherished and given lots of affection, attention and intimate conversation & connection (and of course it goes both ways). It feels natural, not forced like that ex relationship was. It's like a whole new world I would never have known if I had not taken control of my own emotional health again. I look back and actually feel sad that I wasted so much time staying with someone where it was all so forced!
My ex is also happily engaged to a lovely woman now, and I am very happy for him.
To speak a bit about your comments about choosing to be happy or not happy. The thing is, I have learned since then that while happiness is a choice, if someone is in a situation that is not working for them it is not so easy to "just choose happiness" when they are in that context. Rather, they need to make the choices that will work for them - THAT choosing happiness. Your husband is saying that he needs to make a choice to end this relationship in order to get there or at least try to get there, as he is not happy in this marriage, for whatever his reasons are. He may have a hard time just listing "evidence" as to his unhappiness, all he knows is that this is not working and fitting for him, and he does not believe for whatever reason it can be "fixed". Sometimes people DO just know this in their heart. Marriage should NOT be this hard. It should NOT be hard work to "be happy", for EITHER of you. I do believe no one should be "forced" to stay in a relationship they are not happy in. While even healthy relationships take effort, I just do not believe that force, or "hard" work is a natural byproduct of those healthy relationships.