Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Update/follow up to "I think my marriage is over" post from yesterday
H came home last night and said he wants a divorce. I asked him what is different this time as opposed to all of the other times that we have broached the subject. He said that all of the other times he had let me talk him out of it.
We are sleeping in different beds/rooms - last night was the first night. He's been very apologetic. He says he is sorry. He says he feels guilty. He says he hopes we can continue to be friends. I do, too, simply for the sake of our son. I do not want to be like his parents who cannot even look at each other, be in the same room as each other, or, heaven forbid, even talk to one another. He says he still cares about me and wishes me the best.
I leave to go to Washington next Saturday. He has to go OOT for work this upcoming week, so I said I would stay to take care of the dogs so that we wouldn't have to worry about boarding them. Plus then I have longer to pack up for DS and I to be gone. My intention is to use this as a "break." I told him (and he agreed) that I do not want to finalize anything or sign any paperwork prior to me leaving. He knows that I will not take DS and just not come back. I would be lying if I didn't have a small glimmer of hope that by taking this break (at least a month, probably more) he may pull his head out and realize everything that he is sacrificing by choosing divorce. But I know not to get my hopes up. But, like I said, I'd be lying if I didn't have some little tiny bit of hope that that is what happens.
We are going to do Christmas this weekend for DS. I feel awful that H won't get to see DS for Christmas, see his excitement, take him to Santa, etc. etc. But, I also have to remind myself that this is what H is choosing.
He told me that he would assume our debt (credit cards) if I forgave him of child support. I pretty much laughed in his face. Just because we are being friendly/amicable about this doesn't mean that I'm going to be nice when it comes down to my son and custody/visitation. I met with a bankruptcy lawyer this morning to talk about my options, and I'm having a phone consultation with a divorce attorney in about 30 minutes.
At this point neither of us wants to "lawyer up." He would very much like to be able to settle this with disillusionment papers and use a joint lawyer to help us with the custody arrangement and act as a mediator for us. I would prefer this, too, but I just wonder if his thoughts on this will change once he realizes that if I choose to move back home permanently (that is what this visit will help me to decide), that I will seek majority custody of DS and H will only see him, basically, spring break, a chunk of summer, and either Thanksgiving or Christmas. I think that if he realizes that that is what my intentions are, his parents will highly encourage him to fight this out with a lawyer, which they will pay for. I guess we will just see.
I am devastated. I feel so sorry for our son. I am heartbroken. I am still very much in love with my husband, and I know that not only do/will I have to grieve the loss of the marriage and life I had envisioned, but I am also going to have to grieve and deal with the heartache that this "break up" is going to bring. I miss him...
Re: Update/follow up to "I think my marriage is over" post from yesterday
A few things you should be aware of:
1. This is a "break" to you, but it sounds like your husband is done. Don't expect that to change.
2. Don't feel bad that your husband won't see ds on Christmas. Focus on enjoying your Christmas with your son. I never get my ds on Thanksgiving. First year was hard, now I do things with other friends/family on Thanksgiving and we do a big Thanksgiving with my family on Saturday. My ex never sees ds on Christmas; he gets Christmas Eve. My bff is from divorced parents and she reminded me repeatedly that it isn't about the day you celebrate, but the fact that you make it special. Focus on that.
3. Don't worry about being "friends" worry about being "friendly" for the sake of your son. I'd bet at least half of us said we'd be friends with our ex and I have a feeling that didn't turn out to be the case.
4. Child support is not yours to waive. He needs to pay that. It is money owed to your child, not to you. The court won't say, "Well the debt you are assuming is like what you would pay in child support so .." They are two completely different matters to the court.
5. Lawyer up! It sounds like you want two different things, and one lawyer to help "mediate" can simply say what your options are and then you guys have to fight it out on your own. I was lucky because my ex gave me whatever I wanted since he cheated and didn't want his family to find out. So we could simply have one lawyer draw up the papers. But unless you see eye to eye on everything, you need a lawyer.
Oh, and just some encouragement, since my last post was very business like. I know it sucks and I know you will take time to grieve. I don't know your backstory, but know that your life now (for you and your ds) is what YOU choose it to be. What do you want? What would you like differently than what you would have had with your husband? Find ways to make those things happen.
This is easy for me to say now, because I am two years post-divorce, but I was actually just talking to my mom on my way to work this morning and we were saying how my ex did me a favor by having an affair. I never would have had as bright of a future as I do now had I still been married to him. And I really mean that.
Thank you. My H is under the impression that if I move back to Washington we can still have 50/50 custody. That we can just "trade" DS every 2 months or so. I just don't have the heart to tell him that he's *** nuts if he thinks that that is "in the best interest of the child."
However, honestly, I do not know where I will choose to live. My family is offering their support, their home, etc. now - but we will see after I've been there for a month how things really are. For all I know I may very well just find myself, DS and one of our dogs (the one that will be "mine" after this is all said and done) a little apartment and create our own life here in AK.
I know that it sounds as though he is done, and, to be entirely honest, I don't expect that to change at all. He may regret his decision a bit (as he misses us/DS and all of the things I took care of around here) but I sincerely doubt that he will reverse his decision. Particularly so because he has his parents rooting for our divorce.
Thank you, those are questions that I will really have to think about before I can answer. But I do know, and recognize this, as a sort of a fresh start. Sure, I will be in debt. Sure, I'll have a little guy tagging along. But it *is* a fresh start, and it will be what I make of it.
You need to talk to a lawyer before you move to Washington (if that's what you decide to do). From my understanding, a court can block you from doing that.
Lawyering up is not a bad thing here, especially because you're at a high risk of contention. When one party doesn't want the divorce and there is a child in the mix, things can turn nasty in a hot second.
You are welcome. I know everything is hard and confusing and scary now. I cried myself to sleep for weeks because I didn't know how I was going to do it on my own. But you figure it out. You really do.
I went back to grad school, got a new job, started going out with my friends again, started dancing again. I met a wonderful man who we will be moving in with in Feb. We have been together over a year now and there are days that I have a ton going on and it is overwhelming and I say to him, "This is my life. It is crazy and packed and overwhelming sometimes. Wouldn't your life be easier with someone who was more simple?" and he always tells me, "It isn't about being simple. It is about him loving me and that means loving all of me ... my whole package ... my crazy school and work schedule, my son, and all the rest that comes with me."
Sorry, what does contention mean?
This trip (in a week) is not me moving permanently. It is allowing me to be around my family and support system to help me. My H has been toiling over this for the past year or so - he has had time to come to terms with what is going to happen. I have not. This trip is also allowing me to see what life would be like in Washington *if* I choose to move. I really do not know at this point in time where I will be living a year from now. But I don't want to move back home only to realize that it isn't all that great and *maybe* staying here wouldn't have been so bad. It's an expensive move to make...
Oh man, I just replied to your post from yesterday!
I agree with everything formerly AK wrote.
Especially about the child support issue - that is the child's right, period.
Get a lawyer - your own lawyer, and I also highly recommend counseling for you. This next while is not going to be easy, and professional help can be a wonderful way to work through some of those feelings and ups and downs.
I am sorry you are going through this.
I know that everything seems "friendly" with your husband for the moment, but please do one thing to protect you and your son, if nothing else. Make him sign a piece of paper that you are okay to take your son to Washington. You will want to do this for each visit to Washington, and as well as if you decide to move there. Without this piece of paper, if he suddenly decides to go off the deep end (and we've seen it in the best of situations with exes) he can bring legal issues about and accuse you of kidnapping. I hope this doesn't happen, but please protect yourself with written documentation!!!
I didn't want a divorce either. I thought for sure he would change his mind. 2 months after 4 months after he walked out on us, I realized that he had been cheating since the day I met him which had me running to a lawyers office to file for divorce.
It's hard raising a child on your own but if it weren't for living with family and them helping me through my ups, downs, I don't know where I'd be. It has also helped me with childcare for DS when I work overtime on evenings and weekends for the extra money.
Also with living at home, it helped me clear my debt, put money aside for cushion and now buying my own house. It does have a down side as no one ever wants to live at home once they have been out on their own but without it I wouldn't have been able to have a true "fresh start".
Ha. Sorry. I thought it'd be easier to just update in a new post.
Thank you, I will be sure to do that!
This is what I'm afraid of. No, I don't want to go back to living with my dad. But I also, deep down, think that that's probably what is best for both me and DS. However, there is also a piece of me that thinks it might be kind of nice to just stay here in AK, get an apartment, get a job, and move on. Not only nice, but it would make the whole custody/visitation thing a whole lot simpler, too. God this sucks.
Oh honey. I am so sorry. I went through almost the exact same thing a few months ago. It is devastating. My son was 1.5 years old. Several months later I am trying to heal but it is so hard. But I know it will get better with time. I am in counseling and taking anxiety meds to help me sleep at night. You will probably want to be around close family to help carry you through this. In my situation my Fi left me for another woman. So that made things even harder. My gut told me something was going on but I didn't get confirmation until a week after I moved out and he was already openly dating her.
Just to let you know from everything I have heard the courts usually give the mom much more time with young children. Young children need to bond with one parent and to accomplish this they cannot spend a lot of time apart. Typically in a young child you shouldn't even really be spending more than a night at a time apart. Maybe two nights. So if he agrees to let you move and he doesn't move back he probably won't see your son much unless he comes to visit him in your town.
Also, I don't know if you know this but because your H has allowed you to move back home if you file for divorce and custody in your city that sets the precedence that is your child's place of residence. You probably need to do that if you think your H would give you any hassle about living in that town.
This is pretty much what I did however it was not across states. It was just moving to a different city. But my lawyer told me that if you move and file the papers in the new city that establishes where your son will have to live until a final agreement is signed. It's called a temporary domestic custody order I believe. If your H has any indication that you might move out of state and he hasn't objected than that is your ticket to do what I suggested. If you do this and later decide to move back to your H's town then you can always do that. But if you don't set this up in the beginning he can prevent you from moving.
I would really recommend verifying all of that with a lawyer. Each situation is different and it's important to never assume things.
Dont take legal advice from anyone who isn't a lawyer in your state currently practicing family law.
Ditto this. For example, most states got rid of the tender years presumption ten years ago so that part of the post wouldn't apply