Trouble in Paradise
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: TIP on MM
Me neither. The "it'll help you, but hurt your DH so don't do it" is confusing to me. She already broke trust and hurt him. I think he has a right to know. I hope my DH/SO/FI would respect me enough to tell me the truth and let me decide if I want to stay or leave.
UGH! I know!
Honestly, I would hate my H more if he cheated and I found out he tried to cover it up and hide it from me. It's so disrespectful and selfish. The spouse has a right to decide if they want to be married to a cheating douche.
When you've been married this long, you need a ticker to remind you.
Baby Boy M - 08/01/2013
Nope, she said "We never actually had sex, but came close."
You can get STDS from "close, but not quite sex."
I've been trying to type this, but I feel like I am not getting the words right so I keep deleting it. I'm going to try again here.
I think that there is a certain amount of martyr-ness that comes from the "don't tell" perspective. Like, that camp wants to say, "Don't tell, and you have the live with the guilt every.single.day because you deserve that for your cheating behavior," and that's almost like, "Well, I did this horrible thing but I will live with the guilt for the rest of my life, and that's punishment enough."
Does that make sense?
That could mean anything from "we only had butt sex" to "he started to unzip my pants before I put the brakes on."
It says volumes about her marriage, and honestly, marriages of the don't tell camp. I cheated on XH, and up to a certain point, when I kept saying I would stop, I wouldn't have come clean without being asked. Volunteer information? Hell no. Maybe suck it up and live with my lie? Hmmmm, ok, yeah that's easier.
With DH now, if a man so much as touched my arm I'd freak and tell him. This shiit doesn't just happen. A one week affair my fvckingass. That OP's mess was a while in the works, and just came to a head before she shut it down. I guarantee it was inappropriate for weeks/months before her "week long affair".
"Don't tell, it will only hurt your husband."
Pretty sure she ALREADY hurt him by cheating and will continue to do so by betraying him by keeping this secret. That is the dumbest reason on there.
I'm with the girl who said he has the right to know so he can make an informed decision about whether to stay. He has a right to choose and she is taking that away from him by keeping this secret.
Makes sense to me.
And from the update:
She still doesn't get it. She's being selfish - lying to advance her own wants. Her being the martyr of her own character flaw ("I cannot hurt my family!") is just extremely distasteful. She doesn't love her husband enough to put his need-to-know above her keep-the-status-quo desire.
And I'm still not buying that anyone wouldn't want to know if they'd been cheated on - either so they can fix what's broken in the marriage or leave it. I just cannot fathom the logic behind "I love my husband and don't want to hurt him, so I'm not going to tell him that I exposed him to STDs." Sacrificing your partner's health in favor of your own personal gain is not love.
Ugh, rug sweepers. They piss me off.
Seriously and the biggest surprise is that one poster in the thread who basically said, "yeah it's probably best you don't tell him" and she's been cheated on by her DH. She did chose to stay with him so does that indicate that she would have rather not known? I don't understand the logic.
Yeah, and I know it's a common response on these boards, but it always blows my mind that people actually believe someone who has been cheated on doesn't have a right to know and make the decision about staying in the relationship for him- or herself. The idea that telling compounds the first bad decision is horse manure.
My favorite of the update is, "I've never been a cheater and I don't see myself as a cheater and I'll never do this again!" So it makes it okay not to tell her husband because she's in complete denial about herself.
I think that makes sense, but I don't know if that's the only reason that people would want to keep it a secret. It's also very selfish. You open your mouth and pretty much your whole world is turned upside down in that moment. There's a lot riding on it.
This is what I think the "don't tell" people are missing. So what if she wouldn't do it again? She did still do it once. Isn't that bad enough to be relevant information?
And lol at her husband potentially having had an affair, too.
So - higher probability that he'll choose to stay, right? They just might be birds of a feather.
Though, if I was her I'd make an appointment with an OB/GYN to get checked out. Maybe she'll have time to reflect on her decision to not tell her H while she's getting her vag swabbed.
I was really surprised by how many people said keeping it a secret was the right thing to do. I'm actually a member of SI and my H cheated on me once. I know TIP might judge me for it but I made the choice to stay and it was definitely the right option for me. It wasn't easy but I'm glad I did it.
But I'm glad that I got to make my own choice about whether to make that relationship work or not. I can't believe so many people advocate that he shouldn't be told.
And I also have a hard time beleiving that an indiscretion like this just stays in a vacuum and doesn't somehow affect other aspects of the marriage.
BFP #4 It's a BOY!
CP: July 2011
BFP #3: 11/3/2011 M/C 12/12/11
We miss you and love you always, little firecrackers!
I'm not saying it's the only reason they don't tell, and yeah - I get that there is a lot riding on it. At the same time, isn't all that actually riding on not having an affair moreso than making sure your partner doesn't find out about an affair you already had?
KWIM?
I cannot understand the "We talked about it and agreed that neither of us would want to know unless there was sex." SAY WUT?!
I don't get how she can be POSITIVE it will never happen again when she says she never thought she would have one to begin with. There is no guarantee she won't do it again. If she can do it once and lie about it, she can do it again, no matter what she wants to think about herself. Even if she won't, he deserves a chance to decide if he is willing to forgive and work on it, or if the trust is broken.
Does it suck to hear you were cheated on? yes. However, I think it sucks more to live a lie. I just hope if he DOES ask, she tells him the truth rather than allowing him to think he is crazy for being suspicious. I'm sure she thinks it was all well hidden, but cheaters aren't as sneaky as they think.
This does not seem healthy. Freak and run to your husband because someone touched your arm? That screams of insecurity not fidelity.
Omg, relax. I mean, if someone touched me in that way. I guarantee that OP has some big warning signs that she let pass before those kisses. Someone doesn't just up and kiss you for no reason.